Page 108 of Try Hard
Annoyingly, my therapist had once said a lot of the pain I felt was around the fear of intimacy, of the ways people might use that against me. She hadn’t been blaming me, simply pointing out that, after people had done exactly that, it made sense that it was something I’d struggle with. I hadn’t wanted to believe her—hadn’t wanted to believe any of it. Mostly, I’d wanted it not to be a thing. I wanted to reclaim my body and my mind and my life and make the rest of it go away. It didn’t work like that.
And it didn’t quite work like that with Eve, either. How I’d have loved to just have her cure everything simply by being her lovely self and back in my life. But brains were complicated.
It was easier with her. I could let down barriers, let her in, and, every time I did that and it went well, I was more comfortable letting more of them down, but even Eve Archer wasn’t some magical panacea. I liked finding my own healing with her at my side, though.
I grinned up at her. “Maybe I’ll show you at some point.”
She pulled back, eyebrows arched. “You know, Ophelia, I’ve already been itching to join you at the pool, you didn’t need further lures to get me there.”
She was so impossibly spectacular. I’d felt like a supernova, but what was she other than the entire universe? Light and life and the unfathomable existence of reality. The most perfect confluence of all that life could be. “You like saying my name, don’t you?”
“Yes.” She was confident in her reply but an adorable splash of pink bled across her cheeks.
“I like yours too.”
“I’m glad.” For just a second her brow furrowed and she rolled off me, onto her side, pulling me with her. “I’m hoping you’ll want to stick with me and my name for a while.”
My heart ached at the hope in her voice, and my throat felt suddenly thick. “I’d like that. But, you know, being with me means… sacrifices, I suppose.”
She frowned like I’d never said anything more ridiculous. Ironic really, since she’d known me when I was a kid and I’d undoubtedly said some ridiculous things back then. We all did.
“How’d you mean?” She leaned up on her elbow, keeping her other arm draped across my waist.
I let out a heavy sigh. “Well, sex.”
“You don’t want to have it?” she asked like any answer to that would have been completely acceptable to her. How was she real? How could I ever deserve this?
“Uh…” I looked down, suddenly flustered. Though, given the way we were lying, the move essentially had me looking straight at her cleavage, and that was not helpful. At least, not at that moment. “I do. With you. But… I don’t think it can be impromptu or unplanned. That might take the sexy out of it.”
“Ophelia,” she breathed, moving to lift my chin, to meet my eyes. “I mean this in the most patient, respectful way these words can be said: we’re talking about getting to have sexwith you. You can choreograph the hell out of it, ask for anything and everything you want from me, and I’ll do it all. Having you in anyway is a fucking gift. I want to give you everything you need so that you can enjoy it.”
I winced, not at her words, but at the annoying, drilling voice in my head, some unpleasant concoction of my exes and the doctor and my meanest internal narratives.
Eve stroked my face so gently it felt like she thought I might break. “Or we can do nothing more than this.”
Immediately, I shook my head. “Not tonight, but I want to. I just… I need…”
“Safety. Exactly like everyone else does in relationships, in sex. And there’s nothing wrong with asking for that. Even if you hadn’t had the experiences you’ve had, I would want you to ask for everything you need.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes.”
The pounding in my head that matched the pulsing of my heart was making me dizzy. It wasn’t fair to Eve. She wasn’t the one who’d made me feel this way. She didn’t deserve to be forced to live with the consequences of someone else’s actions.
I could feel her watching me as I warred with myself. Eventually, she wrapped her arms back around me and pulled me into her. “Every single person in the world is bringing their own experiences and context to the table every time they interact with someone else. We are all carrying what other people have done to us, and everyone we form relationships with is helping us navigate that. The fact that you’re being so open with me about what you’re carrying is a gift I do not take for granted. I wish I could make it all better for you—I wish I could go back and prevent them from hurting you—but, since I, apparently, can’t do that, I want to help you carry it now. I want to know what you need.”
The tears that sprung up were unstoppable. Still, I tried before they leaked down my face and onto her navy blue tank topor her bare skin. She was being so lovely and she’d just taken a shower, she didn’t need my salty tears ruining that.
“What if it makes things… not enjoyable for you?” I asked quietly. Sex had only been about how enjoyable I could make it for my ex. I’d been ruining things when I didn’t want to have sex, so he’d… helped himself get what he wanted. He’d pressured me when I was in pain because it didn’t really matter what sex was like for me. He was in the wrong, sure, but we also lived in a world that told him all too often that his pleasure was the only one that mattered—that told me the same thing.
Eve ran a hand down my back, breathing purposefully to calm me down, to ground me. “I have never spent one minute around you that I haven’t enjoyed.”
I laughed a little wetly. “Even the moments when Sophie was flirting with me?”
She growled a laugh, gripping me tighter. “I still enjoyed you in those moments. That was the primary motivator behind me not enjoying Soph in them.”
“Sex is a little different, though…”
