Page 64 of Try Hard
“Damn. Terrance is smooth,” I laughed, impressed.
“He is indeed. Perhaps you should take a leaf out of his book.”
I shot her a look. “I don’t think it will work the same way if I say that to Fia, Mum. I already know she’s got the world’s best laugh, and I know the woman behind it.”
“You know what I mean. You’re just being stubborn to try to protect yourself, but you don’t need to. Stay soft, darling. Let Fia see those parts of you.”
I snuggled Herc tighter again. The last thing I needed was to be late picking Ophelia up because I had a breakdown on the living room floor over how perfect she was.
Mum sighed sympathetically. “I know you’ve historically not wanted to talk about it, but you and I both know that Ophelia Pendrick is the benchmark you’ve held everyone you’ve ever dated to, constantly waiting for it to feel like it did when you wanted her.”
“Yes, well, that was hardly fair to them or her. It wasn’t like we’d dated or been particularly close. Sure, I knew her well enough, but it’s like holding people to a ghost, isn’t it?”
“You were young and naive, and holding onto your first experience of love. We’ve all been there.”
I eyed her. When Soph and I had been younger, she and Dad had worked hard to keep us out of their problems. We’d grownup thinking we had the best, happiest parents in the world. When the cracks started to show, and we’d been adults, they’d both still been reluctant to share much. They were desperate to keep us out of their relationship problems. Of course, we’d picked up more, understood more as adults, but they both respected each other too much to do or say anything that might tarnish our view of the other parent.
“Was it like that meeting Terrance?” I asked her, trying to convey that I was ready to hear the answer, that it wouldn’t change my impression of her or Dad.
She considered me for a long time before she tilted her head to the side. “A little. More that it felt like I was cheating on your dad. We’d been together for so long and that life was all I knew. Every time Terrance showed me the kind of love I’d been wanting, I felt guilty. Of course, that’s all in the past now, but feelings are complicated.”
I nodded, suddenly looking through her as I thought about Ophelia and the version of her I’d spent my twenties dreaming of, comparing everyone I met to. “I like Fia in real life even more than I liked the memory of her.”
“Then you’re on the right track. Sure, you’d built up a version of her in your head, but, so long as you’re not holding her to that version, you’ll be okay.”
“Yeah…”
The first woman I’d dated at uni—someone I’d met at the gym—had called me emotionally unavailable. She’d asked over and over again if I’d left a girlfriend back home or something. I hadn’t realised what was going on until she’d pointed it out. It felt terrible, but I’d finally put the pieces together and realised I’d been waiting for Ophelia to walk through the door. I’d wanted someone who made me feel the way she did when she looked at me. Even then, I’d known it was foolish, and, now, I knew that teenage emotions and first crushes and their associatedhormones had impacted all of that, but, knowing it was a thing hadn’t meant it went away. So I never dated seriously. It wasn’t hard. I was busy, on the road, and making a name for myself, and, in truth, I hadn’t been ready to settle down. The thoughts of doing so had only kicked in over the last year or so. I’d been late to the party, but I’d made it in my own time. And now, here was Ophelia again, someone Iwantedto come home to.
I looked back at Mum, thinking of the time I’d fallen apart on the phone to her, crying from my tiny room in halls about how some girl with red hair had asked me out but she wasn’t Ophelia. I’d talked about Ophelia before that; Soph had talked about her constantly. I’d never admitted to having feelings for her, though. And I’d begged my mum not to tell Dad or Soph.
Mum shook her head. “I never told anyone,” she said, reading my mind. “Your dad would have forgotten to keep it a secret and Sophie… I love her, but she’d have made some crude joke about picturing Fia while you slept with someone else or something.” She shuddered, clearly not wanting to hear her daughter make such a joke or think about her child in bed with someone.
I laughed. “Actually, it turns out, she might not.”
She watched me, seeing through the forced levity of my statement. “Explain.”
“Oof. Are you sure you want me to?”
“There’s really nothing you girls can say that will shock me anymore, Eve. I’ve been around the block. And you should hear some of the things my friends come out with. Book club has never looked so saucy.”
I couldn’t help laughing. Herc shook from the force of it, his head lolling about happily. “Noted.”
“Hm. Don’t let it get out, though. Irene, at least, is trying to maintain the image of being respectable.”
I shook my head. Irene was one of the most uptight women Mum knew. Perhaps that was why she needed such an outlet. “I don’t think your youngest daughter was going for a similar level of respectability when she told me she…thoughtabout Ophelia.”
Despite the distaste on her face from fully catching my drift, Mum didn’t miss the way I defaulted to Ophelia’s whole name. I’d let my guard down in my jealousy.
Thankfully, she didn’t comment on it.
“Perhaps we should give Fia a trophy of some kind,” she suggested. “I don’t think the two of you have ever fancied the same woman before.”
“Fia wouldn’t want that trophy.”
Mum laughed. “Smart woman. But, let me guess, now, you’re getting all up in your head, worrying about being with her when Sophie liked her too.”
“Likes, maybe? When we ran into her at Dad’s she told Ophelia she looked incredible.” Which she did, but that was beside the point.
