Page 1 of Your Biggest Downfall
1
austin hart
I hadn’t planned on organizing my new stepdad’s retirement party, but his retirement from the NHL was definitely something worth celebrating, regardless of whether we won or lost the game. I wasn’t only Ledger’s teammate, but my mom was married to him, so I was almost obligated to throw it together. I just didn’t expect to be the one putting it all together myself, so I’d reached out to Nova for help, and she jumped in eagerly.
I picked up two coffees, making sure to add extra sugar to hers—just the way she liked it—and headed to a table in the corner. We were at the cafe where my mom worked, though she had the day off.
I settled into my seat and waited for Nova. Barely a few seconds passed before she walked through the door, and my heart did a little flip when I saw her. She was the one person I couldn’t get enough of, like I needed her as much as I needed air. She was dressed in plaid slacks and a long-sleeved white shirt, her black hair cut into a sleek bob. She looked... perfect.
“Hey.” She greeted me in that raspy voice of hers that always sent a shiver down my spine.
“I got you coffee,” I said, standing up to pull out the chair across from me for her.
“Thanks. You didn’t have to,” she said, glancing around the cafe. “Where’s your mom?”
I shrugged. “Doctor’s appointment, I think.”
Nova’s green eyes widened. “Why? Is she okay?”
I let out a sigh. “Yeah, she’s fine. She’s... pregnant.”
Her mouth fell open. “That’s huge news.”
I shrugged again. “Yeah, I guess. I saw it coming.”
“So . . . we’re not happy about it?”
Finding out about them had been jarring—I’d walked in on them, no warning, no gentle lead-up, just an abrupt shock. I kept hoping things would settle, that we’d find some kind of new normal. With the baby on the way, I didn’t feel like I had a place in their lives anymore. I was exhausted—bone-deep, can’t-shake-it-off tired. Watching them build this new life felt like I was constantly on the outside looking in. No amount of sleep seemed to fix this weight pressing down on me, this heavy feeling of being left out.
“No,” I admitted, barely meeting her eyes. “I’m not happy about it... But it is what it is.”
Nova looked down, fidgeting with the notepad she’d pulled from her purse. “Are you sure we should be planning this?”
I sighed, nodding. “Yeah. Whatever I feel, it’s still a big deal—retiring from the NHL isn’t just another day.”
She reached over and grabbed my hand. “I’m here for you, Austin. I’m always here for you.”
I looked at our fingers intertwined, noticing the shake in my hands. It had been two days since I’d had a drink, and recently, I noticed if I didn’t drink every day, I started to feel sick... physically. The first thing that happened was the shake in my hands.
“Nova.” I looked up at her, ignoring my hands for now. “Over the past year, after everything happened, you’ve been the oneperson I could count on. The one person who’s always been safe for me.”
She smiled, her eyes warm, and gave my fingers a squeeze. To anyone walking by, we probably looked like a couple, but that wasn’t it. Nova was my best friend. The one who filmed those goofy behind-the-scenes videos for the team’s social media. The one who pretended to roll her eyes every time I called herCoach Novaafter she shouted unsolicited advice from behind the camera. The person who always handed me a water bottle with a teasing “Don’t let me down out there” right before a game, even though she wasn’t serious. Could you be in love with your best friend?
“I like spending time with you, Austin,” she said softly, her voice dipping in that way that always made me pause. “When you found out about Ledger and your mom, I was glad I could be there for you. I mean, I couldn’t let my favorite defenseman fall apart on me, could I?”
Her smile was small but steady, the kind that reminded me why our banter, our fun, and everything else about her had gotten me through so much.
I’d decided to book a hotel room this past weekend because I didn’t want my mom looking for me, and Nova came to stay with me. We spent our time watching movies and hanging out by the rooftop pool. It was purely platonic, yet I could feel we were skirting a boundary.
“Am... Am I important to you?” I asked, the words slipping out before I could stop them. It was a stupid question, but I couldn’t hold it back.
Being around Nova was like breathing fresh air after feeling suffocated for so long. She was magnetic in a way that made her the center of every thought, every quiet longing I’d ever had. She was everything I’d ever wanted in a person—kind, sharp, with this easy warmth that made me feel like I belonged. Whenwe were together, it was like I mattered, like I wasn’t invisible. But that feeling only made it harder to ignore the truth gnawing at me: I’d spent my whole life feeling like I came second to everyone.
The weight of it was heavier now with the baby on the way. It was like every rejection, every person who’d pushed me aside, came rushing back. My narcissistic grandmother, who’d left without a second thought. My mom, who always seemed to prioritize work and, more recently, her romantic relationship. Ledger, who hadn’t once considered how I’d feel about him and my mom. And my dad—no, my sperm donor—who hadn’t even stayed long enough to see me grow up. I was never enough for any of them.
I just wanted, more than anything, to feel important. My mom had always been my biggest supporter. However, with a baby on the way and her relationship with Ledger, things were changing. I wanted to feel like someone’s first choice.
Her expression was filled with an empathy that made my chest tighten. “You are so important to me, Austin,” she said quietly, her voice steady but filled with a warmth that I felt in every corner of my being.
