Page 43 of Your Biggest Downfall
“I don’t understand it. I’m just trying to fucking escape, and I thought I was doing the right thing by showing you how I liked to run away from my problems.” I paused. “I hurt you. I shouldn’t have fucked you in the bathroom.”
She turned away from me and walked into the room next to the kitchen where a bed was. Was I supposed to follow her?
“It wasn’t just you, Austin.”
Fuck it. I was following her.
“I know, but it was me. I put you in a vile situation. You deserve so much more from me, from a man, from anyone, Nova. Fuck,” I cried. “You’re my friend, and I fucked you, and I fucked it all up.”
She turned back around, her eyes soft again as I took a bold step to close the distance between us.
“I don’t want to fuck it up with you,” I whispered as I wrapped my arms around her.
“Fuck what up?” she asked hesitantly, still staring at the floor.
“I don’t know. I can’t—” I closed my eyes. “I don’t do relationships, Nova, but if I ever did, I’d want to do it with you.”
She laughed and pushed away from me. “Go home.”
“What?” I threw up my hands in shock.
“Come on, Austin. You’re immature. You need to figure your shit out before you come fucking up my life.”
“I don’t understand,” I said, my voice breaking.
“You not ‘doing’”—she held up her hands in air quotes—“relationships isn’t because of some choice the world has put on you. Treating me like I was another puck bunny tonight was shitty. I thought this friendship was different. I planned your stepfather’s retirement party. We help each other in times of need. We were fucking friends,” she said, scolding me.
“We were. We can still be,” I quickly added. “I came over here to take care of you.”
It was true. I wanted to see if she was okay, if she needed a shower. I wanted to make sure I did the right thing.
“I told you. My father was a rapist. I can’t let myself be one or even close to it.”
She opened then shut her mouth, her eyes wide. “Austin, you’re not a rapist. Let me make it very clear. I consented to having sex with you. I consented to doing drugs with you.”
“I know you did, but?—”
She held up her hand. “But nothing. I said yes. You didn’t rape me. You are not your father. But taking me in the bathroom, using the trust we’d established to convince me to do blow—that’s not how I deserve to be treated. I want to surround myself with people who want to sit around and listen to me talk, have a glass of wine. I want people who add value to my life and give me some semblance of normalcy. I am not the sex-in-the-back-of-a-bathroom type.”
“I know, but?—”
“You cannot be the person I need. Please leave. It’s four in the morning. I’m exhausted.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to leave. I can stay and sleep on the couch. Fuck I’d even sleep at the doorstep to make sure we finish this conversation. I want to show you that I can be that person.”
“You can’t be.” She sighed. “That’s the problem.”
Nova held open the door for me. “Leave, Austin.”
“I won’t leave, Nova. I’ll be right here.” I pointed outside the door, and she shook her head.
She didn’t believe me? Fine. I’d show her I was serious. I wanted to finish this conversation. I had so much to tell her.
“I promise. I’ll do anything for you—to fix this,” I said as I stepped into the hallway, but she shook her head and shut the door.
I pressed my back against her door and slid onto the floor. I rolled my head, resting it against the wood. I would fix this in the morning.
17
