Page 12 of Sorry, Not Sorry
Delilah stared in exasperation at her sister. Had Salome been listening to a single word she’d said? And how exactly did she think quoting her own words back at her was supposed to help?
‘What I’m saying is I’m not prepared to push women who aren’t getting what they need from their partners to just suck it up. We both know where that can lead.’
She’d already said too much, Delilah thought, getting up from the couch and walking over to the window. After a few moments, with her back to her sister, she said in a low voice, ‘The bottom line is Polly’s not changing her mind unless I agree to all her conditions. The woman is heartless – she really had me fooled with her smiley, happy-clappy, long hair in bunches, fluffy hearts vibe.’
When Salome made no comment, Delilah turned around and leaned back against the wall with her arms folded. ‘D’you know she had the nerve to accuse me of not being impartial because I’m, quote, carrying relationship baggage? Talk about inappropriate! I have never discussed my love life with Polly, and I haven’t got a clue where she got that idea.’
‘She’s not wrong, though, is she?’ Salome murmured. Delilah looked aghast but her sister shook her head. ‘I said what I said. Let’s be honest, sis. You have dumped every single man you’ve dated, bar none.’
‘And for good reason!’
‘Really?’ Salome sighed. ‘Sweetie, you’ve been in and out of relationships since you were seventeen and you’ve always got an excuse for why it didn’t work out. I’m not being funny, but have you honestly never considered that you’re the only common denominator?’
‘What does that mean?’ Delilah demanded, beginning to regret not going straight home from the office. So much for this being a safe refuge. Why the hell was everyone suddenly ganging up on her?
Salome tucked her legs under her and gazed intently at her sister. ‘Like Polly said, she has a duty of care to you as well as your clients, and it sounds to me like she’s trying to do right by both sides. Del, you can’t be an effective relationship counsellor if you’re in denial about your own relationships. Instead of throwing in the towel, show her you’re ready to work on yourself.’
‘How exactly am I supposed to do that?’
‘Well, first of all, agree to therapy! I don’t get why you are so resistant to the idea.’
‘Because I don’t need someone else to tell me what I already know about my life and there’s nothing to be gained by constantly raking things up. What’s done is done and talking about it endlessly won’t change anything! Who knows what bringing up the past will do? Think about it, Sal! What… what if it means they don’t think I’m fit to do this job?’
Salome’s voice softened. ‘Hon, nobody understands better than me how hard it is to open up to someone about what happened. We’ve had it tough, but we need to deal with it. I’ve told you a hundred times how much it helps me to practise mindfulness and check in with Alison every two or three weeks. Del, you haven’t made peace with the past – you’ve just buried it, and when you squash things down, they pop up somewhere else. Please listen to me. Therapy will help you and make you a better counsellor.’
As if she sensed Delilah weakening, Salome persisted. ‘Alison says that when we don’t deal with the unresolved issues in our past, they will keep haunting us and driving how we feel and behave.’
Delilah stared in silence at the floor, absorbing her sister’s words. Whether or not she agreed with Salome – and she didn’t – there was no denying that she was fast running out of options. Was it worth opening up to a stranger and risk losing her job? On the flip side, if she didn’t show willing to meet Polly’s conditions, she’d be out of a job anyway.
‘If I agree to therapy, do you think that might swing it?’ she said slowly.
‘It’s possible.’ Salome sounded dubious. ‘But therapy’s required as part of your training, so just doing what you’re supposed to do isn’t going to impress Polly. If you ask me, you need to come up with something major to show her you’re serious.’
Delilah frowned. ‘Like what?’
‘Let’s think about this logically,’ Salome mused aloud, twisting her wedding ring round her finger. ‘Polly’s concerned you’re letting your relationship history get in the way. So, you need a plan that says you agree that’s a real possibility and you’re taking steps to address it. You know, like in an interview when they ask you about your weaknesses and you pick something and then immediately say what you’re doing to improve it.’
‘Um, hello! This is not an interview, and I have no idea where you’re going with all this.’
Salome fell silent, and her brows knitted together in thought. After a short while, her face lit up and she pumped a fist in triumph, looking more animated than Delilah had seen her in ages.
‘I’ve got an idea! You know how whenever you dump a man – which we’ve established you do regularly – you block his number, totally ghost him, and never ever give him a reason why – which even you must admit is not only weird but deeply unfair. Well, here’s the thing. You can prove your emotional maturity to Polly by apologising to these poor blokes you’ve hurt and explaining properly why you dumped them. It will be a fantastic learning experience and prove you’re taking accountability for how you’ve handled your relationships.’
She beamed at Delilah, who was staring at her in horror.
‘You must be out of your frigging mind!’
‘It makes perfect sense,’ Salome argued. ‘If a guy broke up with me without a word of warning, I’d be mortified and probably blame myself. So, you can also look at this as doing the poor men a kindness while you’re showing your supervisor you are serious about your career.’
‘First of all, it’s a ridiculous idea, and secondly, what makes you think I’m sorry for dumping them? Even you’ve called some of my exes weird.’
‘Some, yes. But not all. At least think about it.’
‘No! And even if I am sorry about one or two of them, apologising after all this time would be humiliating and make me look weak!’
Salome shook her head. ‘No, hon. Like I’m always telling Maya, being able to say sorry when you’re wrong is a sign of strength.’
‘Yeah, well I’m not five years old,’ Delilah said swiftly. ‘You can’t seriously be suggesting I go looking for every man I’ve ever dated?’
