Page 39 of Sorry, Not Sorry
She recounted the details of her meeting with Remi, and Arne listened intently. ‘So that was that. We said our goodbyes and parted with no animosity on his side,’ she concluded with a pensive smile.
‘And how do you feel now you have his forgiveness?’
‘Happy. Really happy. Also relieved that someone actually accepted my apology without throwing what I did back in my face.’
‘And how does it feel to know Remi is still in love with you?’ Arne probed gently.
She stared up at the ceiling and cast her mind back to the conversation in the restaurant. ‘I was surprised although, looking back, maybe it shouldn’t have been a shock given how keen he was for us to meet up. Actually, if I’m honest, I also feel a bit sad. He’s a sweet guy and it would be amazing if I felt the same way about him, but I don’t. It feels a bit like I’m throwing away something good.’
‘Did you ever love him?’
‘No, not really,’ she admitted slowly. ‘I’ve been thinking about how messed up my expectations of relationships are.’
‘Can you tell me more?’
‘Well, it’s a bit like Goldilocks.’
Arne still looked puzzled, and Delilah grinned at his blank expression. ‘You know. The girl in the fairy story who broke into the house with three bears. When she tested their beds and food, everything was either too hot or too cold. Anyway, the point is, Goldilocks had a set idea of what she wanted, and didn’t compromise until she found the right fit.’
‘In what way do you see this fairy tale applying to your past relationships?’
Delilah stretched out her cramped legs and wiggled her toes. ‘I feel like I have certain expectations with relationships and if things go off-script, my first instinct is to shut it down.’
Arne leaned forward slightly as if keen not to miss a word. ‘Go on, Delilah.’
Delilah hesitated, distracted by the intense attention. But her curiosity to explore feelings she had never articulated before overcame her uneasiness.
‘I – I do want to be loved,’ she said hesitantly, ‘but not too much. Otherwise, it gets really uncomfortable.’
‘And what is it that makes love feel like too much?’
The words spilled out before she could censor them. ‘When I feel smothered. When I’m not in control. When – when love can really hurt me…’
The stark silence that followed felt so painful Delilah could have groaned. Why the hell had she said that? Suddenly, she felt so exposed that she wanted to melt into the depths of the armchair, and her mind raced through a hundred scenarios in seconds. What would Arne think of her admitting such a thing and how could he ever recommend to Polly that it was safe to send Delilah back to work?
It was as if a shrill voice in her head was screaming at her. Nobody in their right minds wants a messed-up relationship counsellor. She pulled her knees up to her chest and clasped them tightly, hiding her face as if that would protect her from the vicious words she was directing at herself.
When she eventually looked up, it was to find Arne watching her. He didn’t appear shocked, and his eyes reflected only warmth and concern.
‘It took courage to admit this, Delilah. Opening up with honesty and showing your vulnerability is a strength, particularly when you seek deep and authentic connections with those you are supporting.’
Arne’s voice held no hint of judgement, and Delilah slowly released her grip and tried to focus on his words.
‘I hear you recognise that intense love can feel overwhelming for you. How do you think this might show up when you work with clients?’
Intrigued by the framing he had placed on her unguarded admission, Delilah tried to quiet the internal voice berating her so she could mull over Arne’s question.
‘I suppose it might trigger me if I think someone in the couple is being controlling or exploiting the other person’s love for them…’ she started, and then sat bolt upright as realisation dawned. ‘Oh my God, that’s what I did with Janine and Brian!’
‘They are your clients?’
Delilah nodded absently as her mind raced to connect the dots of a pattern she could see for the first time. ‘They’ve been married for a long time, and Brian is really fixed in his ways. He’s used to laying down the law and he knows Janine worships him, so he gets away with it. He only agreed to counselling because she watched a YouTube show about being more assertive in your marriage and then threatened to leave him if he didn’t change.’
‘How do you think your biases came into play with this couple?’
‘I should have been facilitating their communication, but I took over…’ Her voice tailed off as things came into focus.
‘Polly was right,’ she breathed, shaking her head in disbelief. ‘I was so bent on getting Brian to admit he was in the wrong that I didn’t hold Janine accountable or even encourage her to explore her part in why their relationship had become so toxic.’
