Page 58 of Sorry, Not Sorry
The waitress went off and Noah, his lips twitching, reached across the table for a quietly seething Delilah’s hand.
‘The cheeky cow!’ Delilah fumed. ‘Imagine! She seriously thinks it’s okay to flirt with you while I’m literally right here! And who the hell would risk their life eating one of those dusty cakes that look like they’ve been sat there for days!’
Noah burst out laughing and Delilah glared at him for a moment, and then reluctantly smiled. ‘Sorry, but it’s so annoying when someone thinks they can just come on to your man like that.’
‘Hey, don’t apologise to me. It’s actually quite nice to see you get a bit jealous. At least it shows you care.’
‘Of course I care,’ she protested. He raised an eyebrow, looking unconvinced, and Delilah added quickly, ‘I just don’t want us to rush things. That’s all I was trying to say before.’
The waitress brought their tea and while Noah emptied three sachets of sugar into his mug and stirred the contents vigorously, Delilah gnawed her lip anxiously. Her communication skills toolkit wasn’t doing much to help her find the words that would keep Noah happy and give their relationship space to deepen at a pace she could handle. It wasn’t unreasonable for Noah to doubt her commitment, given their history, but with so many things in her life out of kilter, she couldn’t help feeling pressured by the weight of his expectations.
Delilah stifled a yawn while trying to focus on Noah’s story about an incident at work. Being in love hadn’t improved her poor sleep patterns which, if anything, had worsened over the past few weeks. Broken nights filled with vivid, tearful dreams she couldn’t recall when she woke up were leaving her drained and unsettled, a state of mind not helped by the uncertainty of her job situation. Knowing she had to speak to Polly was one thing, and doing it was another. In the meantime, with no definitive answer about the status of her stalled career, Delilah felt stuck.
But it wasn’t the frustration of treading on verbal eggshells with Noah or even the uncertainty surrounding her job that was really throwing Delilah off balance. As much as she tried to deny it, the situation with Arne was weighing heavily on her. While she hated his intrusiveness and feared his tactics, she also knew he was right that their sessions had only scratched the surface. She still couldn’t explain the fury Arne had provoked in her that day in his office, and she was troubled by the way things had ended. If she was honest, she was also badly missing having someone objective she could talk to about the conflicting emotions building up inside and the nagging fear that they would overwhelm her.
Delilah’s positive mood of the morning was changing along with the rain that had now turned into hailstones noisily battering the café windows. She knew she should talk to Noah about the worries pressing on her, but she dreaded the idea he might think she was blaming him or their rekindled relationship. Listening to him with half an ear and injecting the occasional murmur of agreement, she stared into her half-empty cup, rehearsing different scenarios for communicating with Noah.
‘Hey, Earth calling!’
Startled, Delilah looked up. ‘Sorry,’ she apologised. ‘I was listening, I swear. My mind just wandered for a second.’
Noah leaned in, his eyes bright with excitement. ‘Well, stay focused cos there’s something I want to tell you. Remember that surprise I mentioned?’
‘Remember I hate surprises?’ she countered, smiling to take the edge off her words.
‘Well, you’re definitely not going to hate this one! Drumroll, please… Okay, never mind. Guess what? I’ve booked us a trip – five whole days in Morocco! We can finally have that honeymoon we cancelled. I’ve got the time off work, and we go next week. I know you’ve been feeling down about not working so I thought a few days off with just the two of us would cheer you up. Now, imagine you and me walking through the souks of Marrakesh, then chilling on a beautiful beach.’ He grinned and bowed. ‘Go on, here’s where you tell me what an amazing boyfriend I am.’
Delilah dropped her cup onto the saucer with a clatter and stared blankly at his jubilant expression. With so much uncertainty in her life, the last thing she felt like doing was going abroad on holiday. It was clear Noah expected her to be elated by his news when all she felt was dismay, and the excuses came immediately.
‘Noah, that sounds expensive. I can’t afford?—’
‘You don’t have to. It’s my treat!’ He looked so pleased with himself that she felt awful for not jumping with joy at the prospect of a few days together in the sun. She looked through the window where the hailstones had turned back into sheeting rain, struggling to find the right words.
‘I don’t – I don’t think this is the right time…’ she started hesitantly, turning back to face him. ‘I need to speak to Polly, remember, and, um… well, you never know. She might still want me to come back to work, and I’ll need to be available. Besides, I’ve put in some job applications, and I should stick around in case I get called for an interview…’ She tailed off with a helpless shrug.
‘You’ll have your phone on you, and we’ll only be away for a few days,’ Noah said patiently. ‘Nothing you’ve said can’t wait until we get back.’
When she still looked troubled, his expression shifted. ‘I thought this would make you happy, so why are you looking like I’ve just offered you two weeks of hard labour?’
She dredged up a weak laugh at his attempt to lighten the mood but couldn’t find the words to reassure him.
‘What’s going on, Del?’ Noah’s face had lost its humour.
Delilah suddenly felt exhausted. She rubbed her temples, feeling guilty for seeming unappreciative, and wishing she could be anywhere but here. Noah was trying to be supportive, but she had so much on her plate already without the added stress of managing his emotions.
‘I thought we’d agreed to take things slow,’ she said finally.
He looked pained. ‘No, you said that, not me. I don’t get it – why are you being so negative? I’ve been practically living at your place, so how does going on holiday for a few days suddenly become a problem? Jesus, Del, it’s not like I’m asking you to marry me!’
Delilah flinched as if he had struck her and turned away, staring at the rain-soaked pavements outside through a blur of tears.
‘Can I get you some more tea?’ The waitress appeared at their table and Delilah shook her head without turning.
‘We’re fine, thanks,’ Noah said heavily.
Delilah blinked back the tears and turned back, and after staring at her curiously, the waitress shrugged lightly and walked away.
‘Sorry,’ Noah muttered. He rubbed the back of his neck and exhaled loudly. ‘I’m just frustrated. What’s going on in your mind, Del? Please talk to me.’
