Page 48 of Fever Dream
“Of course. That’s what friends do, right?” There’s a soft smile on his face and I latch onto that with everything I have. I want to hug him, crush him to my chest and not let go but I hesitate again. I don’t know how much this reveal is going to change things between us, particularly with how physical we’ve always been with each other. He may not want that anymore and though it will absolutely kill me, I know I have to respect it.
Although if anybody is not going to worry about boundaries it’s going to be this infuriating, beautiful guy.
The rest of the walk back to the hotel is quiet but it’s not awkward any longer, more contemplative. At least on Casey’s side. I guess I’m still feeling a little out at sea over what he’s really thinking. How I wish I could know what’s going through his overactive mind right now.
We get ready for bed on autopilot but I’m conscious of giving him space and making sure he has time to get dressed before we climb into bed together. The space between us feels vast and I take a small amount of comfort from the blanket of night that surrounds us.
I know Casey is still awake because I’m familiar with the soft sounds he makes when he’s asleep. But all is silent on the eastern side of the bed as we both stare up at the ceiling.
“Harry?”
“Yeah?”
I hear movement on the bed and assume he’s shifted to face me. Looks like we’re going to talk this out after all.
“So, are you like … fully gay or do you like … swing both ways?”
It’s a fair question so I tell him, “I’m fullygay.”
“Right. So like, you only have sex with guys kind of gay.”
“I’m not sure what other kind of gay you’re thinking of there, Case.”
He laughs, the sound soft and sweet. I relish it. “Yeah, course. Sorry. That was a dumb question.” He’s quiet for another minute before he asks, “So, do you, like, have a boyfriend?”
“I basically spend every waking moment with you, Casey. When do you think I have time for a boyfriend?”
“Yeah, that makes sense,” he says. “Is it because of me? That you don’t have a boyfriend? Cos I take up all your time?”
I admit I had started quietly panicking at the direction of Casey’s question so I’m relieved when he clarifies. “No, Case. It’s not because of you.”
“Good. That’s good.”
“I have had boyfriends in the past. But I was single when I came over to Australia.”
“Right,” he mulls. I can almost hear his thoughts, turning over themselves. “So, that guy tonight. The one at the bar.”
I shift onto my side, mirroring him even though I can only just make him out in the dark room. “What about him?”
“Would you have gone home with him? You know, if I hadn’t interrupted you?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “Maybe. I was thinking about it.”
“I thought you weren’t into hookups.”
“I’m not really. But that doesn’t mean I don’t hookup or that I haven’t in the past. I just prefer relationships over casual sex. But it’s been a while since I last had sex, and I guess I … miss it.”
“Oh,” he says. Oh what?Whatdoes that mean? Oh if I could have any super power it would be reading this guy’s mind.
“It’s just, I thought you were going to go home with one of those girls and I thought it would be a bit sad coming back to an empty hotel room by myself.”
Casey sucks in a tiny breath of air at my words. “I wasn’t going to hookup with one of those girls, Harry. I’d never just ditch you like that.”
“Oh.” Now it’s my turn for the vague answer. Really? He really wasn’t going to hookup with one of those girls?
“But if you did want to … you know, hookup with a guy … you know I won’t stop you, right?” His words are tentative, and I don’t like the way they make me feel, like they don’t sit right in my stomach or something.
“I’m fine, Case. Nobody died from lack of sex.”
