Page 74 of In the Safety's Zone
“Yeah, your girl.” He’d been serious for so long today I forgot his ass was a fool.
“She don’t even like being famous. Hates that I don’t let her pay for anything and tries her best to take care of me the way I do her.” I felt a smile growing on my face the more I talked aboutAphrodite. Bringing her up made me want to see what she was up to.
“I can see that about her. She been in the spotlight her whole life. I’d be tired of that shit too if I were her.”
The man cave had all of Antwan’s jerseys from high school to now. His trophies and awards were displayed and his Super Bowl rings were in locked cases. His Super Bowl MVP was in the center and I knew he wanted to get back to the championship and go for another one.
I took a deep breath and got to the last thing I needed to talk to Antwan about. “I got you something.”
He rolled his eyes like I’d called his ass broke. “Bruh, I thought we talked about this mane. Ain’t no need fuh you to spend ya’ money on me, Ant.”
“It ain’t like that I promise.”
I held out my hand with the envelope in it and he was looking at me like I was a process server trying to get him for child support.
“The fuck is this, Ant?”
“It’s good I promise.”
He snatched the envelope out of my hand and tore it open before he scanned the contents. When he didn’t say anything for a minute I started to get nervous that something was wrong.
“Ant, what is this?” His voice was tight as fuck and I didn’t understand why he looked angry.
“It’s the first payment I’m making to repay the money you put out for my living expenses at LSU. I know how much shit was costing and since I fucked up and played around, you shouldn’t have to take that loss.”
He put the check back in the envelope his face getting tighter and slid it back toward me. “Anthony, I’on’t want your money.”
I left that shit on the counter because we had similar temperaments and he was about to piss me off. “I know you don’t.”
“I did that shit to look out for you. Have I ever wanted anything for looking out for you?” That nigga had his finger pointing at my face and even though he wasn’t close to me, it felt disrespectful as hell.
“No, but maybe it’s time that you do.” I folded my arms across my chest angrily matching his aggression.
“What that mean, man?” I could tell he was doing his best to keep himself calm but my words were going to send him over the edge.
“You think I don’t remember but I do. Little as I was I remembered. The water. How you made sure I was fed—”
He stood up straight like talking about this had spooked him. The anniversary was coming up soon and we both got fucked up around that time of year. ’Twan would shut himself away and I would drink myself into a stupor so the nightmares didn’t keep too hard a grip on me. We both needed to do better about how we coped but that survivor’s guilt was a hell of a paralytic.
“Anthony, man, you ain’t gotta—”
I slammed my hand on the countertop ‘cause our emotions were too high to turn back from this conversation now.
“NO! I do. Our fucking mama and daddy left us. TO FUCKING DIE, ‘TWAN. You fucking put me on your back and climbed fucking trees as the water got higher and the bodies floated by. I remember that shit. And through it all I kept hearing you say, ‘Just hold on, bruh. We gone be good. It’s gone be okay’. And I believed it because I knew you’d never lie to me. You went through hell to make sure I lived. And you think some fucking MONEY is too much? I owe you my fucking life, Antwan. My fucking LIFE!”
He came around the side of the bar and got in my face. “You don’t owe me shit! How you think I would’ve felt if I wouldn’t have been able to do everything I could for you? You think I would’ve been able to live with myself if I had left you behind? Left you to DIE? Fuck outta here, Ant. You were my first best friend. Hell, you’re more my kid than Jill’s or that nigga she let knock her up twice. You gotta see and understand that I ain’t a hero. I had your back out of love. Nothing more. Out of realizing we were gone be okay and not thinking of anything else but that thought.” He jabbed his finger into the side of his head and I could see the torment he was going through.
“You shouldn’t have had to do that.”
I was angry, but not at him. At them. At them for putting my brother in the position he’d been in to have to save us. To take his time feeding me as the wind howled and the news reports got progressively worse. As we watched our neighbors pack up and knock on the door but we couldn’t open the door and tell them she wasn’t home. So we stayed. Stayed when the wind got harder and the water got higher. Stayed when the power went and the food was gone. Stayed when we had to get out of the house by a window. That kind of weight would’ve been too much for anybody, but for two boys who had to figure shit out on their own it was more than oppressive.
“I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I’m your big brother, it’s my job to look out for you. If I hadn’t done everything I could so that we could’ve made it out, do you think my ass would’ve been able to look myself in the mirror? Young as I was, you think I would’ve continued to live if you hadn’t? They would’ve pulled our bodies out of the fucking waters clinging to one another because THERE WAS NO WAY FOR ME TO LIVE IF YOU WERE GONE!”
Antwan had tears running down his face and I couldn’t think of doing anything else but giving him a hug. We held on toeach other as tightly as we had when we were on that tree: like we were one another’s lifelines. I didn’t know if the anguished noises were coming more from me or him but they were loud. And as I gripped my brother and cried I didn’t feel the shame that always came when I thought about how we’d survived. My heart was overwhelmed with gratitude of still being here. The shame of having survivor’s guilt for how I’d thrown away the opportunity I’d been given. I cried for the little boy who could protect his little brother better than their parents could. Who’d been so parentified at a young age that he never really had a chance to be a kid and it turned him to behaviors that were against how he was at heart. I cried for what we lost and what we’d gained throughout the years. And hoped I’d have the ability to make him even prouder of me than I could feel he already was.
I felt arms come around us and I could only imagine that Rye and AP heard us and thought the worst. ‘Twan pulled back and gripped the sides of my face forcing me to look at him.
“I wouldn’t change a fucking thing, you heard me? So stop thinking that you need to change anything about you. You’re already the man you were supposed to be. The shit you went through made you stronger. Built you tougher. Sharpened your mind so you knew not to fall for bullshit or be a brat your whole fucking life. Take the lessons as just that and walk with your fucking head held high. If you owe me anything, you owe me that. I saved your life, so now you owe it to me to live this shit to the fullest. Love your ol’ lady, earn your degree, make this fucking money, win some rings and put one on her finger. Be the fucking man our father never was. That’s what you owe me, Anthony.”
