Page 126 of Isolation
Raven doesn’t have to respond. Every specialist I spoke to said the same thing. You are supposed to avoid trauma triggers, not indulge in them.
Her biggest trigger is, and will always beme.
She was right. I don’t deserve her forgiveness, and I don’t deserve to say those words to her.
The thought of how mylovedestroyed her is ripping through me. The worst thing I ever did to her wasloving her.
My love is tainted, but somewhere along the line, Raven accepted this tainted love of mine.
Whether she knows it or not, she hates herself for accepting this flawed love while hers remains pure.
Is that why she keeps hurting herself?
“Did you ever engage in self-harm before, or is that new?” I ask that question a little too quickly.
Raven’s head snaps towards me. She quickly shakes her head. “I-I... I-I’m not,” she stammers before gaining control. “I am not trying to hurt myself. It.. it’s just a coping mechanism to keep myself centered and lucid, so I don’t do anything stupid.”
“Stupid, as in hurting me like you tried to hurt your mentor when you felt threatened?” I ask plainly. “You view me as a threat. You hurt yourself to suppress the instinctive urge you feel to hurt me.” There is no disdain in my voice. I am simply stating the facts.
Raven will continue to hurt herself as a reminder to stop the reflexive urge she feels to hurt me.That's the fact.
I kept thinking that time will heal all, but everyday she has been getting worse. One day, I am going to cause her to snap.
She already came pretty close last night.
I chalked it up to anger. That could have been true if it was anyone other than Raven. Knowing who Raven is and how she acted last night, it’s clear that she is breaking.
“Milo,” Raven’s eyes widen. “That’s not true.”
“If it’s not true, then let’s seek professional help. We can fix this together.”
Raven takes a sharp breath at just the idea. “No, Milo!”
“I have been speaking to a great therapist. There is also a center we can visit—”
Her terror-filled eyes mull over my face. “See, this is exactly the problem,” Raven’s voice starts shaking. “This is why I am telling you all of these things. You keep looking at me like I am Tessa. Like I am a problem that you need to fix when it was the years of treatment that exhausted me when I didn’t see results.Thatwas the reason why I felt hopeless. It wasn’t because of what happened between us.”
“Last night, you told me that you blame me for scaring you," I argue. "It’s clearly not a manageable kind of fear. The last few weeks are proof of that.”
“But we were together last night. I didn’t experience any symptoms afterward.”
“That’s because you experienced it beforehand,” I say incredulously. “Raven, you went off the charts.”
“So, I am not even allowed to be upset at the things you have done?” she asks angrily.
I rub my temples, trying to reel in my thoughts. “Of course you are. But last night was extreme. Not to mention, sometimes you experience symptoms, and sometimes you don’t. It only needs to get out of control once for you to hurt yourself. You have already been doing that.”
“I might have some adverse reactions,” Raven's voice rises out of anger, “but that doesn’t mean therapy or conventional treatment is the answer. It never worked for Tessa. It didn’t work for me either. I despised every moment it. It was a horrifying reminder of potentially living Tessa’s life. Why can’t you accept that everyone copes differently?”
An argument is warring in my head, to find holes in what she is saying. But none are strong enough because she has a point.
I realize that I am fighting a losing battle with this topic. It doesn’t mean that I’ll stop fighting.
“You won’t become Tessa. I won’t let you. I will be there every step of the way.”
Raven looks at me with disappointment. She looks crestfallen. “After a lifelong struggle with Tessa, I thought you, of all people, would understand me.”
I do understand. I don’t want to force her after what she has been through, but I also don’t see another alternative for us.
