Page 23 of Happily Ever Witch
The Caterpillar exhaled vapor from his hookah. “Gads, no. I ran, as well.Nothingcould save the party after the witch appeared. It was a social disaster, through and through. The Heart Kingdom will never live it down.” He seemed perversely pleased with that harsh judgment. Probably because it would give him something to talk about for weeks.
Like the March Hare, the Caterpillar spent most of his time traveling from kingdom to kingdom. They were part of Wonderland’s exclusive Tea-Partier set. The elite group was welcomed by all the queens, for their rich gossip, sharp wit, and flawless taste.
Sadly, Lily didn’t have time to enjoy their jaded vitriol today. She hadn’t been expecting their visit and she still needed to finish some dull reports. She flipped through the piles of financial documents she was supposed to sign off on, barely listening to them. “What is a lobster-quadrille and why am I paying so much gold for it?”
That money could go towards her raise. She deserved one, for all the work she did.
The March Hare and the Caterpillar exchanged meaningful glances, as if silently judging hersodéclassé. It was no secret that they’d been hoping Grimhilde the wicked witch would become queen. She was semi-retired and had an estate in the Spade Kingdom, where she was hard at work on her memoir, said to be entitled106 Uses for a Still-Beating Heart: Life Lessons from the World’s Wickedest Wicked Witch.
Personally, Lily planned to hire a ghostwriter for her own autobiography. No way was she putting in all the effort to type a manuscript, even if she was obviously a historic figure in the making.
In any case, the Tea-Partiers disliked witches. But they disliked everyone. And Grimhilde was President of the Cauldron Society. Such a notable title and lofty position appeased their snobbery and anti-witch sentiments. She’d gotten their vote for Spade Queen. Unfortunately for them, no one voted for queens and Grimhilde was too busy chronicling every second of herlong, malevolent life to be interested in court politics. They were stuck with Lily on the throne.
The fact that Lily had worked her way up the aristocratic ladder rankled the Tea-Partier set. They endured her, because they were dependent on all the Queens for their livelihoods as judgmental gadflies. William --whose name wasneverto be shortened to Bill or Will-- was the worst of the lot. Thankfully, the condescending lizard wasn’t presently there for tea. If it was up to William, he would ruleeverything.
Still, Lily didn’t let any of their attitudes bother her. She aspired to their parasitic examples. Being a professional hypocrite looked way easier than doing paperwork.
“I should have the lobster-quadrille, then?” She guessed.
“Youmusthave a lobster-quadrille, regardless of the cost.” The March Hare insisted in a firm tone. “Not having one simply isn’t done. Why it would be a never-ending embarrassment for the Kingdom of Spades.”
“Neverending.” The Caterpillar concurred. “And you have enough problems around here. If you cancel the lobster-quadrille, you might as well invite a witch to tea, like poor Alice.”
That comment sent both him and the March Hare into a fit of world-weary chuckling.
Lily sighed and initialed the exorbitant estimate for the damn thing.
“I suppose the Heart Kingdom now falls behind the Club Kingdom, when it comes to places I most dread visiting.” The March Hare lamented. “The Club Kingdom is filled with the unpleasantest people in Wonderland, no argument.”
“Ghastly people.” The Caterpillar agreed. “Even worse than the zealots in the Diamond Kingdom, who hate magic for no reason at all.”
The Tea-Partiers were the one non-human group in Wonderland that not even the Gyre could completely exclude. They were too influential.
“Better those beachy bigots than the Club Kingdom’s cold-fish citizens and those bloodsucking roses.” The March Hare gave a shudder. “The gardener should be fired. But at least that murderous pigeon is just thehelp. No one’s inviting him to tea.”
“Thank God for that. He’d surely feed the other guests to his evil flowers or wear dirty overalls to the party. It would be a scandal!”
Lily ignored their byplay. “What about a brillig?” She asked, still consulting her papers. “Do I really need two?”
“You really need three.” The Caterpillar scoffed, puffing his hookah. “They’re positively mimsy!”
Lily should have become a nurse, like her mother wanted. It would have been so much less work. She okayed the brillig, as well. “I think we’ll have to close some schools to afford it all, then.” Otherwise, she wouldn’t get so much as an extra coin in her pay this quarter.
The March Hare shrugged. “It’s for the betterment of everyone. I’m sure the children will pick up reading and such, as they go along. But, a brillig is essential for the Spade Kingdom’s future.Everypowerful ruler should have one.”
“Three.” The Caterpillar chimed in. “She can’t be cheap about it.” He paused. “Not sure where she’s going to find them,though. William already got the best ones for the Queen of Clubs.”
The March Hare rolled his pink eyes. “That lizard is always social-climbing. It’s unbecoming of a Tea-Partier.”
Lily rubbed her forehead in agitation and crossed out a few schools on her budget. Why couldn’t someone else deal with this crap? Wasn’t the whole point of being queen that you could do what you wanted? Why did she never get to do what she wanted?
Leaves from the Tumtum trees drifted down, some of them landing on the table where they were having tea. Since it was always autumn in the mountainous Spade Kingdom, the leaves were forever falling. New ones just instantly grew to take their place. No one paid any attention to the phenomena.
Likewise, no one paid any attention to the serving hag who came plodding over with a fresh plate of apple pastries. Lily couldn’t keep track of the castle’s staff. It was too much work to even try. Still, this woman seemed completely unfamiliar. Maybe she was new? Jesus, why did someone hire a new servant who was six million years old?
“Wishing scones.” The hag set the heaping tray onto the table. She wore the red-and-black, spade-patterned uniform of the palace staff. “You eat one and dreams come true.”
“I wish for a trip to a faraway land.” Lily muttered and grabbed herself a wishing scone. Apples were popular in the Diamond Kingdom, because they were always in season. The kitchen stuck the frigging fruit in everything. The apples in these pastries were perfectly baked and delicious.Thatmust be why the hag was hired. She was a wonderful cook.
