Page 47 of Happily Ever Witch
Everything in the Diamond Kingdom appeared frozen, in fact. The spectators, the water of the Pool of Tears, the scorpions skittering around the sand. Even the air went still. As if time itself had just… stopped. The only two things still moving were Bluebeard and a stranger in a gigantic, purple hat.
Bluebeard was in the middle of his own execution and whatever was happening was still the worst thing that had happened all day. He could already tell. No question.
The newcomer frolicked up the steps to the sand castle’s porch, nonchalantly twirling a katana-style sword in his hand. He stopped directly behind Bluebeard’s betrothed. “Off with her head!” He shouted happily and swung the sword at the Queen of Diamonds’ throat.
It sliced through skin and bone. No way could she survive that kind of blow. Bluebeard cringed. Shit. This was going to put a real damper on the wedding plans.
The Queen of Diamonds kept standing there, even though she was already dead.
The hatted-man’s head tilted in confusion and then he laughed. “Oh! That’s right. I forgot.” He patted his torso, feeling for a large pocket watch hanging from a chain. He depressed the stopper on the top of it.
And time restarted.
Jerking back from her frozen state, the Queen of Diamonds’ head finally slipped from her neck. Blood spurted out everywhere, her body collapsing like a puppet with the strings cut.
The reanimated citizens of the Diamond Kingdom screamed at the sight. Most ran away in panic and confusion. His former-future-wife’s decapitated skull hit the ground, rolling into the sand face-first, and Bluebeard knew the engagement was definitely off.
Damn. He sagged back in his restraints. So close.
The wedding-crasher-who’d-killed-the-bride grinned like a lunatic. Hewasa lunatic. He wasn’t that big, but he pulled attention to him like he was lit with a spotlight. And that pocket watch thing was a neat trick. The stranger seemed middle-aged, with thick, white hair. He covered it with a ridiculously large top hat, but furry tufts still popped out all over the place. Bluebeard wore captain’s regalia every day of his life and even he thought it was weird as hell.
But not as weird as the lunatic’s eyes.
His pupils were spirals. Fuckingspirals. Curving black lines, cutting through solid white. No irises, no pupils, just the gentle, constant movement of the curly-cues as he stared downat Bluebeard. Each tick of the pocket watch’s second hand seemed to match pace with the swirl of his eyes.
Those bulging eyeballs, synched with that damn watch, scared Bluebeard more than anything he’d ever seen. And he’d had fifty-eight divorces.
“Hello, Bluebeard.” The crazy guy said in a merry voice. “I’m the Mad Hatter.”
Perfect name for the nut. Bluebeard had to admit it, even through his fear. Branding was everything in the modern world and this lunatic had nailed it.
A red-headed, bland-looking teenager dashed by. The Mad Hatter’s horrible eyes sighted on her. Instantly, she was on the ground, screaming. Her whole body seemed to shrivel in on itself, as if it was being sucked dry by some unseen force. Within seconds, all that was left was a mummified husk, dressed in a modest apron.
“Delicious!” The Mad Hatter sucked on his fingers, like he’d just enjoyed a satisfying meal. “Good magic refreshes me, you know. Even these bigoted humans have a bit, whether they like it or not. And I do enjoy the taste of fear and innocence, dolloped on top.”
“I taste terrible.” Bluebeard assured him, quickly. “Hardly any innocence, at all.”
“Oh, you’ve been a troublemaker, alright.” The Mad Hatter wagged a damp finger at him, in a scolding manner. “When we rigged that rabbit hole to bring you to Wonderland, we didn’t expect you to crash down in the Diamond Kingdom.” He tut-tut-ed, like Bluebeard had deliberately screwed up his plan. “It took us days to find you.”
“Sorry.” Bluebeard got out, because what else was he supposed to say?
“No harm done. We needed to get this, anyway.” The Mad Hatter picked up the sparkly crown from a puddle of blood, shaking off the gore. He casually tossed it in the air and caught it again. “Mimsy news, my friend. Maryanna the Queen of Clubs would like to speak to you.”
“Is she married?” Bluebeard asked, always ready to give romance another go.
“She is!” The Mad Hatter grinned with festering insanity. “To me, as a matter of fact.”
Well, scratch that idea, then.
“Congrats.” Bluebeard wished he’d just died with the mermaid. It would’ve been way less painful than whatever befell him next. He already knew it was going to be a bloodbath. “Sure. Sounds… mimsy.” There was nothing to do but nod and play along with the madness. “Let’s go meet your Mrs.”
Chapter Ten
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