Page 46 of Happily Ever Witch
By the second day, a sheep with knitting needles stuck in her woolen hair and three shrieking elves had joined the mermaid. All of them had committed magical offenses, as well. Unable to withstand the scorching temperatures of the deadly beach, they lapsed into unconsciousness and slipped away. They were the lightweights. Or maybe the lucky ones.
Everyone else hung on through the night and into the next golden afternoon. Their bodies were staked to large poles, their arms suspended over their heads. They suffered from heat stroke and dehydration, with the Pool of Tears just a few hundred yards away. The cruelty just made it more fun.
Two mock-turtles perished the following evening. Not even their shells could give them adequate protection from the searing sun. Then, a sentient nesting doll went. Each of its little pieces perishing, one-by-one, biggest to smallest. Then, a wizard, who prayed to gods nobody had ever heard of. Then,a regular human magician. That dumbass had hosted an unbirthday party. He should’ve known better. On the sixth day of the execution, the ogre finally gave in, his huge body lax in the unbreakable chains.
That just left Bluebeard.
“You’ll never get rid of me! Better Good folk have tried and I’m still here!” Bluebeard bellowed up at the Queen of Diamonds’ massive sand castle. He’d lived on the sea for so long that going without fresh water was commonplace. He could endure thirst better than any of the dead pussies surrounding him.
“You invaded our land, with your dirty magic!” The Queen of Diamonds shouted back from the safety of her shaded porch. The nasty bitch was lounging under a harlequin-patterned umbrella, drinking margaritas and willing him to die. She was bone-skinny, with yellow hair, and sunscreen smeared all over her nose. “You’ll pay for what you’ve done!”
“I don’t even want to be here! I fell through a rabbit hole, back in the Four Kingdoms. Itoldyou that.”
Not that it had helped his case. Rabbit holes were magical too, after all.
“The Four Kingdoms is filled with evil magic!” The Queen of Diamonds shrieked. The tiara on her head glinted. A gigantic diamond-shaped garnet was situated in the center, with hundreds of brilliant white stones surrounding it. “Everyone there is tainted.”
“Hey, I’m right on board with hating that shithole! I’m pretty sure I have a death sentence back home, too. But, there’s no reason to killmeforthembeing dicks! I don’t even have any magic.”
That was a lie. He had magic, but nothing worth dying over. Well, unless you were one of his six wives, anyway. He couldn’t fight or fly or do anything that would help him out of this mess. No one else even understood his abilities. If he directed his mystical energy towards the Queen of Diamonds, all that would happen was…
Hold on!
His eyes widened, as it suddenly occurred to him that hecouldwhammy his way free. He should’ve thought of it days ago! Bluebeard’s colossal powers were limited in focus and big on results. He couldn’t do a lot, but he was real, real lucky with the ladies.
Bluebeard’s magic was all about marriage.
It dropped the panties of his many fiancées, got him plenty of free drinks from well-wishers each time he got engaged, and convinced scores of rich women to say “I do.” Even if they didn’t technically marry him, with all the troll-shit laws and whiny parents getting in the way, he could stillconvincethem they were married. That was just as good, most times. He’d had six legal wives, but his temporary “wives” numbered in the thousands.
There was no reason his gift shouldn’t work on the Queen of Diamonds.
“You are looking lovely today, your highness.” He smiled widely, his magic pulsing out over the sand, aimed right at her. “We should go to dinner, tonight.”
A familiar blank look came over her face. His spell had reached her, even over the distance separating them. “Dinner?” She repeated in a faraway tone. “With me?”
“I long to be with you. Forever and ever.” Sincerity radiated in his voice. “I want to marry you. Today! This minute. We’ve waited long enough.”
The other spectators of the execution stood in uffish thought and exchanged baffled looks. Bluebeard ignored them. Nothing would get in the way of his proposal to his newest bride.
He vaguely wondered if she wasalreadymarried. Well, he could make her forget that interloper quick enough. No one could remove a wedding band, except the person it belonged to. But, Bluebeard’s magic was unique. Specialized. He could make the ring invisible, so that not even the individual wearing it knew it was there. His magic hid the ring on a person’s finger, as soon as he erased their spouse from their minds.
He really should get more respect from the other villains, becauseno onecould do what he did.
“Marriage?” The Queen of Diamonds’ voice rose in a hopeful, excited way, her hands clapping together.
Sure enough, the wedding band glinting on her finger vanished into nothing. Her current husband might protest such a hasty end to their royal union, but no matter. Breakups zipped right along when you had an axe to cut through red tape and the inconvenient ex’s neck.
“Say you will!” Bluebeard begged. “Make me the happiest man in Wonderland.”
“Callooh!Callay!Yes, I accept!”
“I hoped you would.” Bluebeard told her honestly. “We’ll have a wedding, as soon as I’m untied. Iloveyou…” What the fuck was her name? “…my dear. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” Which wouldn’t be much longer if he didn’t getout of the sun pretty damn quick. His citrus-colored captain’s uniform and turquoise beard were baking him alive. “Hurry! We haven’t a moment to lose. Our whole future is waiting!”
His upcoming-wife was dazzled by the very idea. “Let my husband go!” The Queen of Diamonds sprang to her feet, her face alight with beamish joy at her impending nuptials. “And someone find me a red and white wedding dress. Oh, this will be positively mimsy!”
Whatever the hell that meant. “Positively.” He agreed anyway.
“You’ll wear red and white too, of course.” Not even married yet and already she was bossing him around. Typical. “And the cake will be red and white. And then we’ll…” She stopped mid-word, like she was frozen.
