Page 17 of Sloth
“But you…You married my brother. Why?” He scrubs his face.
Because I was led into a false sense of security. Because I’m a fool are all answers I could give him, but I don’t.
“Because you never asked me.” I smile back at him sadly. “You never noticed me, Luke. Hell, I tried enough times to try and make you, but?—”
“Are you fuckin’ kiddingme?” He laughs. “Erin, I’ve been crazy about you since the first day I saw you.” He looks stunned.
“Then why did you never say anything? Why did you never carry my books and ask me to the movies, like you did the other girls?” I question him.
“Because you’re…you’re you! Every guy in school had a thing for you; you could have had any one of ’em you wanted carrying your books and takin’ you to the movies.”
“If that's true, why did I end up going to senior prom alone?” I point out.
“I don’t know; maybe they were all too scared to ask. I know I was.”
“You know, that was the night I met your brother,” I tell him, remembering that charming smile he gave me when he pulled over to offer me a ride.
“I’d driven me and Liza to the prom myself. We weren’t gonna let the fact neither of us had dates ruin our night, and after I dropped her home, my car broke down.” I keep poking at the food on my plate with my fork, not really knowing why I’m getting into this.
“Matthew was the first car that came along; he stopped to check I was okay and offered me a ride.”
“Sounds like something Matty would do.” He smiles to himself proudly, having no idea how much thatkindgesture shaped the next few years of my life.
“We started dating straight after.”
“I know how the story goes,” he tells me, looking all sad and guilty again.
“But the past doesn't matter; you're still my brother's wife, and what happened last night was?—”
“Don’t say it was wrong,” I beg him, knowing how much it will hurt. “I know it’s not exactly right, but please don’t call it wrong.” I stand up and move to his side of the table. “I don’twant you to feel guilty, and I don’t want to cause any hurt for you and your family, but can we agree that what happened last night wasn’t a mistake?” I look down when I realize that I’ve taken his hand and I’m squeezing the life out of it.
“You're my brother's wife, Erin.” He hisses the words through his teeth like he hates them.
“And Matty’s gone,” I whisper, wishing I could tell him the truth.
“Barely.” He quickly stands up and frees himself from my grip, putting distance between us and making my heart sink. “How am I supposed to live with myself? What would folk think of me, and of you?” He tries to remind me of how insane all this is, but I don’t care. I’ve had all day to think about what I want, and it’s him. “I don’t want people talkin’ about you that way.” He screws up his face like the thought hurts him.
“Nobody would have to know; not at first. We could explore this, see if it’s what we think it is.” I know how desperate I sound and that I run the risk of scaring him away, but I can’t help myself. I can’t go back to the way things were.
“I don’t need to explore nothin’, I know exactly what this is. I’ve known ever since the day he brought ya home, and I hated him for it. I’ve known since you came home with that big, shiny ring on your finger, looking like he’d given you the whole world; and I knew when I watched you walk up the aisle in that pretty white dress and vow to spend the rest of your life loving him.” Luke shakes his head and scrubs his hand over his mouth like he’s about to lose his mind. “The feelin’s I have for you are selfish and wrong. I should be struck down for ’em.” He shocks me when he throws his fist at the beam and makes the ceiling shake.
“But you still have them?” I calmly step closer to him, hoping he won’t reject me.
“Course, I fuckin’ do.” He looks back at me like I’m crazy, and when I reach up on my toes to kiss him, he doesn't stop me; he closes his eyes and allows us to make another moment.
“Then why can’t we let it be?” I whisper gently against his lips.
“Because…” He pulls himself away, and I watch him swallow heavily. “You’ll hurt me.” I can see how hard it is for him to admit. “I know you wouldn’t do it intentionally, but you will, and if hurt turns into hate—” He cuts himself off and shakes his head. “I never wanna hate you, Erin,” he whispers, and I hear the fear in it.
“I would never hurt you.” I take his hand in mine again to assure him.
“Darlin’, you’ve been hurtin’ me for fifteen years. I found a way to manage it, but this...” He points his finger between us. “This is something different. I can’t be the person to help you get over him. I can’t be his replacement.”
“Have you not listened to a single thing I’ve said?” I feel myself getting frustrated, even though I’ve caused all this myself.
“Yeah, but none of that changes the fact that you married my brother. You loved him, you lay with him. You planned a whole future with him, and he was the one supposed to make you happy.”
“Is that what you think?” I feel my anger brewing to the surface. A year of frustration, ready to come out and ruin everything Luke holds dear about his brother.
