Page 34 of The Rake I Wished For
Rose laughed. And belatedly Jocelyn realized how that sounded. As if he couldn’t possiblynotbe in love with her.
“I only mean…” Jocelyn ducked her head. “I know him so well. As well as he knows me. And part of me thinks this love has always been there, beneath the surface. Some part of me feels like he must feel it too because it’s so strong and so undeniable and so…so true.” She shrugged. “But I didn’t want to know that it was there before. I ignored it, and tried to push it away because…”
Jocelyn drew in a deep breath. It all seemed so obvious now in hindsight, it was hard to believe she hadn’t seen it before. The way his presence always made her feel alive. How they sought each other out. How she never felt more like herself around anyone else.
How she was stupid enough to tell him she wanted to be kissed.
She closed her eyes, temporarily lost in emotion. Some part of her had wanted to shock him. And some part of her had wanted to make him see her that way…
And he did now. She was almost certain that he did.
“Because what, Jocelyn?” Rose encouraged. “Why did you try to push him away?”
Jocelyn turned to Rose with a sigh. “Because I thought love would hurt. I thought it would kill me the way it brought about my mother’s end.”
“Oh dear,” Rose said, pulling her in for another embrace.
“She was miserable, you know,” Jocelyn murmured against Rose’s shoulder. “Heartbroken and maudlin for the last few years of her life. The doctors said a sickness claimed her, but I always knew she wanted to go. She didn’t try to fight for life because love had ruined her.”
Rose reached for her hand and squeezed. “And now…”
“Now I’m realizing that I had it all wrong,” Jocelyn said. “Love doesn’t have to ruin. Love can be good and kind. It can light you up and make you feel like you belong. It can form a family, it can forge a friendship…” Her mind called up memory after memory of her conversations with Harlow, the way he made her feel understood and heard. The way he made her laugh at her own foibles and how he encouraged her intellect.
“I think I’ve had love all along,” she said. “For years now I’ve been in love and didn’t even know it. And it didn’t hurt me. It only made me stronger, happier…it made me feel whole.”
Rose smiled. “Then it sounds like your mind is made up.”
Jocelyn nodded, a smile tugging at her lips as she squeezed Rose’s hand in thanks. “I don’t know why Harlow is acting like a bigger fool than I am right now, but I plan to find out.”
Rose’s voice was filled with laughter when she said,“I suppose it goes without saying that Harlow had best watch out.”
“Just so,” Jocelyn said with a sharp nod that made them both laugh. “If Harlow loves me as I love him, then I’ll do whatever it takes to make him realize it. And he should know better than anyone that when it comes to strategic battle, he doesn’t stand a chance against me.”
CHAPTERTEN
This wasa new and unusual form of torture, surely.
Harlow watched Jocelyn laughing with Rose in the parlor as they returned from an afternoon walk. As if she could feel his gaze on her, Jocelyn glanced his way and smiled.
This smile was different from the others he’d grown accustomed to.
This one was a little shy, very sweet…and utterly breathtaking.
Harlow swallowed hard and looked back down at the correspondence he’d been perusing, but the words were a blur. Guilt rippled through him as his words from the day before came back to haunt him.
I cannot be your friend…
What a horrid thing to say to the woman he adored. But emotion had gotten the best of him, and as he’d looked upon her and faced the undeniable future in store for them, he hadn’t been able to stop himself from speaking the truth.
He wasn’t sure how he’d bear it when he inevitably got the news that she was to wed. No doubt the fellow would be the Marquess of Northbridge—Jocelyn almost always got her way. The poor lad didn’t stand a chance.
But no…
He frowned down at the parchment between his fingers that was crumpling in his too-tight grip.
Who she married was none of his concern. And one day…
He glanced over at her, his heart twisting with pain as he took in her bright smile, the long curve of her neck, and that elusive dimple.
