Page 49 of Search My Soul
“It means I appreciate you for sharing, and I trust that if there’s something I need to know, you’ll tell me.” I continued to eat, grateful that his news was something I could handle.
“So that’s it? I just told you that I have a mental illness, and you shrugged it off as if it didn’t mean anything.” Contrary to his words, his tone gave nothing away. I wasn’t sure if he was upset or surprised by my response. Setting my fork down, I gave him my full attention.
“I would never want you to think that I’m making light of your condition. I’m someone who likes to do my research when it comes to the people I love, so I’m sure I’ll be an expert on you before the month is out. I just don’t want to bombard you with a lot of questions at once.”
“This doesn’t bother you?” He seemed genuinely concerned, which caught me by surprise.
“Why would it bother me? This isn’t something you have control over. It’s simply a part of who you are. How could I hold it against you? I mean, I’m curious to learn more about it, but it doesn’t have any effect on my love for you.” I shrugged, reclaiming my fork from my plate. I could feel him staring at me, so I glanced up to meet his gaze. I giggled because of the bewildered expression on his face.
“You love me, Juicy?” My eyes widened as I replayed my previous words over and over again.
“I-I didn’t say that. It was just an expression,” I blurted. Soul chuckled while I squirmed under his gaze. I’ve never told a man I loved them, and to be honest, I never thought I ever would.
“Come’re.”
I scooted my chair back and then made my way over to him. He pulled me into his lap, and I draped my arms around his neck. I couldn’t explain it, but this was where I felt the safest. Like nothing or no one could touch me as long as I was in his care.
My head rested on his chest, and I found myself getting lost in the rhythm of his heartbeat. We sat there in a comfortable silence for a while before Soul finally spoke up.
“My granddaddy was one of the toughest gangstas around in his day. If you ask him, he’ll tell you he still is. When we were kids, he used to always tell us how important it was to find a woman who would accept our darkness as much as our light. I didn’t get it then, but I’m beginning to understand it now. I’ve never wanted to date because I was always afraid they would use my darkness against me. My family has no choice but to accept every part of me, but with you, it’s different.”
“Did you honestly think I would look at you differently?”
“I wasn’t sure, but it wouldn’t have mattered either way.” My brows dipped in confusion.
“What do you mean?”
“I already told you, baby. We go together, and I’ll lock you in this house before I let you leave me. You ain’t never heard of Stockholm Syndrome?”
“I don’t know if I should be afraid or honored.”
“You don’t ever have to be afraid of me. Unless you do some flaw shit, then I can’t promise you won’t see the other side of me.” His tone was calm, but his words held an underlying threat. I wasn’t worried because I would never do anything to betray his trust.
My sisters had been planningthis day for months, but it hadn’t hit me until the moment I pulled into my grandparents’ driveway that this was really happening. All these cars on the sidewalk sent my anxiety through the roof. Being around large crowds made me uncomfortable, but it was even worse when the people were giving me looks of sympathy. My parents have been gone for over a decade, but the pain was still just as fresh as it was the night we got the news.
I was against this celebration because I still didn’t trust a soul after what happened. The family was divided after Uncle Fletch went missing, but no one really spoke about it. The only reason I even let this happen was because my sisters were my soft spot. Anything they asked for, I went out of my way to make sure theyhad. It’s been this way since we were younger. My father taught us that we needed to protect them with our lives, and I took my job very seriously.
If Adore and Lovely hadn’t ambushed me with their pouty faces, there would be no party. I sat in my car for a moment, trying to get myself together. Everyone knew I didn’t have a filter, and I spoke whatever was on my heart. However, in this setting, I was aware this wouldn’t be the right place or time. My sisters wanted this to be a beautiful night, and I wouldn’t dare take that away from them. Here goes nothing.
The moment I walked through the door, I wanted to walk my ass right back out of it. There were people everywhere in the house like roaches. As soon as my sisters spotted me, they ran over to me.
“Soulie!” Adore squealed as she hopped her heavy ass into my arms. I swear my sisters were like my children. They loved me regardless of my demons and looked up to me like a hero, even though I was the opposite.
“Adore, I’mma drop your ass on this ground in about three seconds. What the hell is wrong with you?” I chuckled. Her silly ass ignored me and proceeded to place kisses on my face. Her and Roro loved doing that aggravating shit whenever they saw me.
“Bruh, go on somewhere. I don’t even know where your lips have been. I might wake up tomorrow with blisters on my face or something,” I grumbled.
“Boy, bye. First of all, my lips haven’t been anywhere you wouldn’t approve of. Secondly, you should be lucky that someone wants to kiss your mean ass.” She scoffed as I placed her on the ground.
“You don’t even believe that. Mean or not, the bitches can’t get enough of daddy Soul.” Adore and Lovely both rolled their eyes at me.
“You need to grow up. Anyways, how have you been, brother of mine? I feel like I never see you anymore. What has been going on with you lately?” The judgment behind her eyes couldn’t be hidden, but I deserved that. I’ve been MIA at most of the family gatherings. I preferred to be by myself most of the time. I only showed up when I absolutely had to.
“You know where I live, chump. If you miss me that bad, you can always slide on me.”
“Well, I hope you keep that same energy when I pop up over your house with my pajamas on and a blanket. We haven’t had a sleepover in a long time.” The sadness in Lovely’s voice made me feel guilty.
“Well, y’all are the ones who like to plan shit, so I’ll leave it all up to you. Now, where are the drinks at? If you want to have me around all of these people, the least you can do is make sure I’m drunk,” I joked, even though I meant what I said. There was no way I would be able to get through this night without a drink or five.
