Page 76 of Hunt for the Roses
Kate: Hey, what happened last night? I meant to text you, but I got a little too drunk at Shippers and Trent had to take me home. And before you ask, no we didn’t sleep together. But Trent said you and Dane left early? I wanted to make sure everything was okay.
The dreaded text.
Last night, Dane and I discussed what our little white lie would be if Trent or Kate asked why we left Shippers so early. Let alone, without a goodbye. Although we had a plan devised and I should feel prepared for this text and conversation, I don’t. Instead, I stare at Kate’s text in emotional disarray, and my hang-ups about Dane and I are clearer than ever.
Kate’s text only reminds me of the guilt that casts a shadow over my heart that begs to shine. My heart feels like it’s being held captive in my own body as it beats for Dane, and every heartbeat meant for him feels like it’s being silenced a little more each time.
Until the beats for him can’t be heard anymore.
Agitation claws at my soul when I think about being forced to live with a heart that beats mechanically rather than authentically. Like a machine carrying out necessary functions to keep me breathing, instead ofliving. Like the parts of my heart that beat for Dane are being dulled and pushed back on.
Finally, my thumbs type out a message to Kate.
Me: Hey, hope you’re feeling better. Everything is fine, I just wasn’t feeling well so Dane took me home. Nothing to worry about. ??
I place my phone back in my pocket and prop my elbow on the railing ledge as I rest my chin in my palm. The wind laces through the loose waves of my hair as I inhale the salty air of our beach town and look and listen to the waves collide on the shoreline. Screams of excitement and laughter sound off from all angles around me, and the happiness taunts me once again.
It’s so close to me, but so out of reach at the same time.
My face starts to tighten with tension, and soon enough, another lone tear glides from my eyelid and down the length of my cheek. One single tear that represents the sorrow that comes along with the weight of my world.
The weight of my past.
When do I get to walk through life without dragging the chains that have been fastened around my wrists?
I feel another vibration from the back pocket of my denim shorts, and I pull my phone out to look at Kate’s response.
Kate: Ugh, that’s the worst! How are you feeling?
Me: I’m alright now. It was just one of those random headaches that pop up out of nowhere.
I swallow as I place my phone back and rest my elbows on the ledge of the railing as I place my hands on top of my head. I’m looking at the wooden planks of the boardwalk as I submerge myself in self-condemnation. The more I lie to Kate, the worse I feel. And the worse I feel, the more I blame Dane and I for being so careless.
Because Kate is just the tip of the iceberg our ship is about to crash into, and my throat constricts as I think about my family finding out about Dane and me. The thought strangles any shred of optimism I may have possessed beforehand.
Then Kyle’s blue eyes flash before me.
And I suffocate.
* * *
When I approach my house, I gasp when I see Dane sitting on the top of my porch steps, his elbows perched on his bent knees as he hangs his head down to stare at the ground.
I pause my movements momentarily and swallow a nervous lump in my throat before moving my feet toward the house again. When I’m only inches away from Dane, he doesn’t bother to pick his head up to look at me, so I just break the silence.
“Hey,” I say softly.
Seconds go by before he responds, and my nerves start to make my heart race with anticipation. “Where did you go?” Dane asks while still looking at the ground.
I inhale as I smooth over my fitted white short-sleeved crop top. “Out on the pier.”
Still not looking up at me, Dane responds. “To go be with him?”
I furrow my brows. “I wasn’t with Blake.”
Finally, Dane looks up into my eyes from where he’s perched on my porch steps. “I wasn’t talking about Blake.”
I stare at Dane in surprise. Not only am I taken aback that he’s bringing up Kyle, but I’m surprised he knows exactly what’s going on in my head without me having to explain it to him. Then I exhale an exhausted breath and turn my head to the side, trying to piece together my next words before looking back in Dane’s direction. “You can’t do this. You can’t use Kyle against me.”
