Page 178 of Dove
But here I was—alone.
The heaviness of that thought crushed me as I collapsed on Josh’s side of my bed, his scent immediately enveloping me and opening the floodgates. My chest heaved as I sobbed into his pillow, both comforted and tortured by it. Knowing he’d been here just this morning, holding me, and knowing that hewouldn’t be here tonight to wrap me up in his arms and protect me from my grief sent me spiraling.
I cried until my eyes were puffy and sore, completely depleted of tears. I laid there on his side of the bed, letting my thoughts spiral from one to the other. To Josh leaving, to running the farm, to being alone, back to Josh again. Pinging like a ball trapped in a pinball machine.
Until the rumble of thunder in the distance erased my thoughts like an Etch A Sketch.
I sat up in bed, ears pricked, wondering if perhaps I’d imagined it.
But no, a minute later came another rumble, telling me that a storm was rolling in—andfast.
Sitting upright was a challenge, but I forced myself through it, knowing that if a storm was coming, it was my job to bring the horses in. They couldn’t stay out, and I wouldn’t let them. Even if all I wished to do was drown myself in a pool of my own tears.
I ran on autopilot as I coaxed the horses in with treats, letting myself feel something other than sadness as Clover nudged me with her nose, clearly feeling better since we started her on her medication.
I led her to her stall, which was nice and clean thanks to Josh’s hard work this morning.
Had it really only been this morning we’d worked side by side, hearts in sync, lost in our own little world? Had it only been hours ago that I was on my knees for him, trusting him in the vulnerable way you trust someone you think will stay?
Sadness and anger settled like twin stones in my chest, heavy and unmoving, an ache I feared might never leave. The sting of his betrayal sat sharp between my ribs, like a dagger sheathed between bones. He’d been keeping secrets while I looked at him like he was my future.
Stupidly, I’d let myself love him like he’d be mine forever.
But he’d been making plans to leave me.
Clover snorted, shifting beside me. I rubbed her side, murmuring softly. She always grew anxious during storms, and her unease only fed my own.
How far had Josh gone? Was he still in town? Was he even driving right now?
Rain began to patter against the tin roof, soft at first, then steadier—like my panic finding rhythm.
What if something happened to him, like it did our parents? What if he got hurt?
I couldn’t lose Josh, too.
I didn’t want him to go.
Oh, god. What had I done?
Just the thought of never hearing his voice again, never feeling his lips on mine, never being wrapped in his arms—it made holding on to my anger seem foolish.
I’d let my pride and ego speak louder than the truth—that I loved Josh more than anything else in world.
If he didn’t want the farm, then neither did I.
If he wanted to leave, I’d follow.
I only wantedhim.
Slipping my phone from my back pocket, I pulled up his contact. It went straight to voicemail.
A jolt of panic shot through me, cold and sharp.
I clenched the phone tighter in my sweaty hand, forcing myself to breathe, to push the rising dread back down where it wouldn't take over.
Josh had never been great about charging his phone, I reminded myself, clinging to the hope that it was just dead and not something worse.
You’re the only one I want to get in contact with, Dove, and you’re right here.
