Page 20 of Tastes Like Watermelon Moonshine
I sit up, putting my elbows on my knees. “Hey, God,” I whisper into the silence. “I know we haven’t talked recently. I’ve been distant. You know why.” I drop my head and pull at my hair. “I am sorry, God. I don’t like feeling so far from You. I’m sorry for not doing it Your way. I’m sorry for hurting Rae.”
If only God could answer me in an audible voice.
Chapter 10
Raegan - The Present
Steamcurlsintheair above my mug as my hands encircle it. Warmth transfers from the porcelain to my skin, as my thumb and index finger create a circular pattern while I run them around the handle on the mug. There’s just something cozy about sitting at Ms. Rosa’s island and drinking hot cocoa. I’m wearing my favorite fleece lined pink flannel hoodie, even though it’s not really that cold out.
Bing Crosby croons in the background as peppermint and spruce perfume the air. Everything about this moment spells out Christmas.Ahhhhh. Robert’s off key voice joins Bing’s and the peaceful moment is shattered.
“Outside, boys.” Ms. Rosa shoos my brothers out the door. “Help Coach hang the garland on the porch.” She closes the door to the wraparound porch and turns back to me. “How about we go sit in the den by the fireplace? These bar stools just aren’t as comfortable for me as they used to be.” She laughs as she rubsher backside. I’m game with that idea. Bring back that Christmas feeling.
I slide easily off the stool. I’m not quite to the waddling stage yet, but I know that it’s coming. I rub a hand over my baby bump. I’ve picked out Baby Beans name, but I’m not telling anyone until she’s born. But the connection that I already share, and the love that I feel for her… It’s unmatched by anything I've ever felt before. It’s grown slowly. I’ve had to work on ignoring the embarrassment and guilt that crop up every now and then. Focusing instead on the soul that is growing inside me. This whole other person that I get the privilege of knowing, of loving, of raising.
My feet slide easily across the hardwood floor as I pass the crackling fire and make my way toward one of the recliners. Shifting my hips a few times, I wiggle around until I’m comfortable. The baby bump does get in the way every now and then, but right now it’s the perfect spot to rest my mug. Rosa lowers herself into the other recliner with a sigh. The signs of her cancer slowly grow more obvious every day. Pain filters across her features and it pricks at my heart.
“How have you been feeling, Ms. Rosa?” I know she won’t give me the truth. She’s quick to turn it around and ask how I’m doing instead. I’ve never once heard her complain. Not about the cancer, or about anything that she’s gone through in her life. I rock the recliner into motion and Baby Bean flips around and kicks me, as if to say that she is enjoying this new movement pattern.
Rosa’s lips tip up in a tired smile. “The Lord gives me strength to get through every day and complete all that I need to complete. But how are you?” There it is. She plays off her problems as if they are nothing. I can’t remember a time when Ms. Rosa hasn’t taken a trial, or stressful life moment, and turned it around to show God’s greatness.
“How do you keep trusting?” I find myself asking as tears prick at my eyes. Tears, my constant companion these days. “Even when it hurts? How do you keep smiling and still say that God is good?” I stare up at the ceiling, willing the tears to stay put. But they don’t obey. One makes its wayward journey to the tip of my nose.
“Oh, Raegan.” I hear the compassion in her voice. I look over and see it shining through her dark eyes. “Something I’ve learned from my Bible reading, and from all the other things I’ve gone through in life, is that God never promises happiness, or health, or good times, or a great life.” She shakes her head and sniffles. “But He promises eternal life, and joy if we put our focus on Him. When we put our faith in Him, and Him alone.”
I know all these things. They’ve been taught to me, and ingrained in my soul since the moment I was born. But all it took was one moment. One action.He loved me more than baseball.Now my faith is a fragile thread. I dangle by one hand over a great abyss. My other hand grasping at the open air. “How do you focus on God when you feel like you’re drowning? Or hanging from a fraying rope?”
Rosa gets up from her recliner. “Come sit on the sofa with me.” She pulls a worn Bible from the end table and sets it in her lap after situating herself on the old floral couch. “Come on. Right here.” She pats the spot next to her.
Grabbing a fleece throw I settle right next to her. Her frail arm wraps around my shoulders, pulling me close to her. The once large and grandmotherly woman seems so thin and frail now. I’m almost afraid to return her hugs these days. Scared that I might break her.
“I know you’re hurting.” Rosa pulls her arm away and settles back against a large pillow. “But God is still here. Even in the pain.”
“I know He’s there. I just feel so distant from Him.” A lump rises in my throat, and I try to swallow it back down. Shame and embarrassment try to cloud my thoughts. “I messed it up, Ms. Rosa. And I don’t know how to fix it.”
Her thin fingers are surprisingly strong as they find my hand and squeeze tight. “Everyone messes up, sweetheart. That’s part of being human.”
I snuffle back the tears, but it’s no use. “It just feels like the worst mess up ever though.” I feel a tissue being pressed into my hand. “I ruined a relationship. More than one. I ruined a human relationship. I ruined my relationship with God, and I ruined—” I pause, not sure I want to name Austin. I feel like I’m giving him up. Telling a secret that isn’t mine to tell. We did it. Together.
“I know it was Austin, honey.” Ms. Rosa whispers the words, but I feel like they echo around the room. In some ways a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. But that feeling in the pit of my stomach doesn’t leave.
Your sin will find you out. And look, now it’s found out someone else. Look how bad you messed it up. You messed it up for you. You messed it up for them. And now other people know. What if they tell everyone? What if everyone looks down on you? What if you bring them shame?The voice echoes through my head. No! I won’t listen.
“What if he never forgives me? What if he doesn’t want to be a dad?” I mash my lips together then bite them as I twist my fingers nervously in my lap. “He doesn’t know, Ms. Rosa. And I don’t know how to tell him.” The words come out through sobs. “I haven’t even talked to him since…” I flush red. “Ithappened.”
Ms. Rosa drags me close, pressing my head to her shoulder. “I’m sorry that you have to experience this pain.” She presses a kiss to my forehead. “And I know this doesn’t make it better. But God lets things happen for a reason. Things that hurt, God means them for good. To make us more like Him. To grow us. Tostretch us.” She pulls back. “Some day, as a mom of a teenager, you might be sitting with a friend of hers, who is feeling the things you’re feeling right now. Who feels so alone, so far from God.” Her eyes twinkle and sparkle with joy as she talks about God. Passion for Him and His glory fill her. “Just think of how much comfort you’ll be able to provide to that girl, and to her mother. They won’t feel as alone. They’ll feel seen. And you’ll get a chance to direct them to God, possibly for the first time in their life.”
God means them for good.Those five words echo through my brain. Somehow my brokenness can bring someone else to Him. As a child I promised to let my light shine for God, but never did I think that a painful moment would be the one to shine His light. My biggest fear is losing Austin. I was certain he was the one. No, that’s not why we ended up having sex; I still intended to save sex for marriage. But why did I have to lose Austin at the cost of glorifying God?
“I want others to come to Christ. I want to help them know Him.” My fingers grasp my horseshoe necklace as my chest heaves. “I just never saw it coming at the cost of my two most important relationships.”
“Oh, darlin’.” Ms. Rosa tips my chin up, her frail hand shaking, “Don’t think of it that way. Let this strengthen your relationship with Christ.” She wipes a tear from my cheek. “I know it hurts. And it will for a while. But, this can be used for your good and God’s glory. Put your focus back on Him. On healing your relationship with Him.” Her warm eyes caress my face.
“It’s so hard, Ms. Rosa.” The guilt and shame on my shoulders seems to grow heavier everyday. “How do I get back to God? I feel like I’m on the edge of the sea shore. The waves are sucking me out to sea, covering me in shame. And I can’t get a handhold. The sand is washing away.” Wow, I don’t knowwhere that analogy came from. But it’s accurate. I can’t find firm footing anymore.
“And that’s when you just cry out to God. And you let others in the body of Christ surround you and pull you back in. Don’t forsake gathering together. Iron sharpens iron. Christians need each other.” She hands me another tissue. “I’m here for you. Your mom is here for you. Coach is here for you. Just don’t hide. Not from God, at least. But I promise we’re all here to help you, and we’ll do everything we can.”
I set my head back down on her shoulder. “Thanks, Ms. Rosa.”
