Page 29 of Tastes Like Watermelon Moonshine
I’m done being sad. That sad feeling is gone. Pity party over. I’m angry now. I fling the tears from my cheeks as I stand up. I want revenge. I want to hurt him. I want his heart to break just like mine is.
My bare feet slap the floor as I pace the distance of the room.
“Wanna tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours?”
I’d almost forgotten that Chrissy was even in my room. “I’m plotting my revenge.”
“On Austin, or the girl who answered his phone?” Chrissy snickers. She knows I don’t have a vengeful bone in my body.
I turn. My eyes fall on my Bible, gathering dust on my dresser. “I know revenge is wrong. God doesn’t want me to do that.” But I’ve already sinned, what’s one more? I roll my eyes closed. “Who have I become?” I’ve never had thoughts like this before. “Chrissy, I feel so far from God.”
“I feel like that would be normal with what you’ve gone through.” She sits on the edge of my bed, kicking her sock covered feet like she’s a toddler. “But you know what the Bible says: God forgives. And He has forgiven you.”
“I haven’t really asked for His forgiveness yet. I mean,” I twist my lips up, a sour taste filling my mouth, “I’ve told Him I’msorry.” I dig my fingernails on one hand under the nails on the other.
“So, you’ve told God you’re sorry for what you did, but”—she pauses, tilting her head— “you still carry the guilt and the shame?”
I squeeze the back of my desk chair. “Yeah, that’s the simplest way to put it. I guess.” I look out the window over the desk, watching the sky darken as the sun sets. “I feel like there’s a wall between me and God.” I rest a hand on Baby Bean. “I want to have a relationship with God for Baby Bean’s sake, and for mine.” Running my foot along the leg of the chair, I sigh. “Do I have to ask Austin’s forgiveness to finally feel better?”
Chrissy pulls her feet up onto the bed and wraps her arms around her knees. “I have a feeling that’s what my dad would recommend. The Bible says to confess your sins, not just to Jesus, but to each other.” Her hands grip her toes as she rocks back and forth. “But don’t do it just to say the words, and check that box; do it when you feel like your heart is ready to forgive. Do it because you want to make things right with God and Austin.”
I nod my head and sniffle. “I am sorry, which God knows, but I’m not ready to tell Austin. Not yet.”
Chrissy hops off the bed and wraps me in a hug. “So, wait till you’re ready. Now, how ‘bout we go play games, and eat snacks, hang out and take our minds off all this drama?” She drops her arms and grabs my hand. “Come on.”
Chapter 14
Austin - The Present
Thepingofametal bat hitting a baseball rings through the batting cage set up in the backyard of my Dad’s house. Yeah, I know I said I needed a break from him. But in an effort to avoid anymore run-ins with Becca, I’ve given in to Dad’s requests to spend more time with him. And it’s actually been kind of nice. Dad bought the best pitching machine and batting cage he could find. I think in some ways he’s trying to make up for the years he ignored me when Virginia was in his life.
I pin my focus on the pitching machine, but I can’t focus, and my bat slices through the empty air with a whistling sound. The muscles in my shoulder bunch and tense under the frustration that comes from swinging and missing.
Some days, swinging the bat helps clear my mind, and other times, each swing seems like it’s spinning in a screw. A screw that sinks me deeper into thoughts of Raegan and thoughts of guilt.
“It’s my fault. All my fault. I should’ve been stronger. I should’ve been the one to stop us.” I know I didn’t force her into anything. But… I enjoyed it. And a part of me wanted to say it was okay. That’s theold mancoming out, right? I know sex is for marriage. But I didn’t grow up in a Christian home, so until I came to Christ… I thought sex before marriage was what everyone did. I just didn’t participate because baseball was better, and I didn’t have a girl.
“Is this my punishment? I got drafted so I couldn’t have sex again?” Did God take Raegan away from me so I wouldn’t drag her further from Him because He knew I would want to do it again? And it’s not that I want to just go and have sex with just anyone. I want it with Raegan. I don’t want anyone else.
I’m tempted to whack my head with the bat. Maybe it’ll knock some sense in. Make me not want her again. Man, when Paul talked about doing the things he didn’t want to do and not doing the things that he should’ve been doing… I had no clue that I would ever feel that way.
“I gave my life to you, God. What am I doing wrong?” I trusted in Him to be my Savior. Believed that He would make me a new man. So, why am I struggling like this? Why do I want her that way?
The weight of guilt and shame weighs on my chest, like I’m wearing three pairs of catcher’s chest protectors. I want God to take it off me, but there’s a deep chasm between me and Him, and I don’t know how to cross it. I settle into my stance and press the button for the pitching machine to start again. I watch the ball go by, my mind too busy to pay attention. With my mind focused on Raegan, I forget to press the stop button and the next ball comes out of the machine with a popping sound and then thunks me in my right shoulder. I curse under my breath and mash the button to stop the pitching machine.
Right after I got saved I was on a high. I took everything to God. I was attracted to Raegan from the start, and had the struggle with my thoughts that Coach told me nearly every guy dealt with. When I had taken those feelings, thoughts, and desires to God; He had answered in a huge way. And now… I feel like I’m unworthy of coming before Him. Of asking anything of Him.
Had that one mistake taken it all away? No, Coach said that no one could take us from God’s hand… But what if that’s not true? “No one, nothing can take me from Your hand… Right, God?” And if you can be taken from God’s hand, can you get back into it? And can this cycle be repeated over and over?
The bat bounces a few times as it falls from my hand. I rip the helmet from my head and throw it on the ground beside the bat. Pain shoots up my jaw as I grind my teeth.
“Ahhhhhh!” My yell bounces off the fences surrounding the backyard as the toe of my shoe connects with the bat, sending it flying against the netting.
“Y’all right there?”
The muscles in my back tense. I don’t recognize this voice. I glance at the fence, expecting to see the top of an older guy's eyes peeking over, like the neighbor fromHome Improvement. No one stands at the fence directly behind the batting cage. My dark curls hit my forehead in a sweaty mess as I turn and check the other two fences. No one. Strange.
With a sigh, I fall to the turf, my head dropping into my hands. The cool grass under my knees grounds me, helping to shift my mind away from Raegan, just for a minute.
