Page 57 of Tastes Like Watermelon Moonshine
Josh pulls his arm away from Rachelle and slowly pushes away from the table. “Why don’t we all hang out in the living room?” He grabs Rachelle’s hand, tugging her away from the kitchen, “The dishes can wait.” She leans in and gives him a kiss, and I turn away. I’m tired of the PDA at this point.
I settle onto the faded and worn, but cozy, sofa in Josh’s living room. A fireplace takes up all of one wall, and Josh squats in front of it, stoking the fire that adds to the coziness of the space.
The warmth of the fire combined with the coziness of the friendship makes me think of the Carter house. There’s just something about being with people that you know care about you.
“So, Austin,” Rachelle speaks up after Josh settles down next to her, “I hear you’ve got some family in Texas. Are they in this area, or further out?”
I clear my throat, and rub my palms on my pants. I’m not a big fan of being put on the spot. “My mom and sister are about two hours away, in Clear Creek.” I stare at a crack in the coffee table. “My dad is in Atlanta.”
“Oh, so did you grow up here in Texas, or how did that work?” Rachelle bites her lip, “Sorry if I’m intruding. I grew up with both parents in the home. So split families are just so different for me.”
“No, it’s fine.” I mash my lips between my teeth. “I have to talk about them sometime. My parents were together until about two and a half years ago. My dad had been having an affair with a coworker. So Mom, Izzy, and I moved to Clear Creek just before I started my senior year of high school.”
She smiles a sad smile at me, but her eyes are still warm. I know it’s compassion and not pity. “I can’t even imagine going through that.” She shakes her head. “Did you find a good church, and support?”
I think about my Clear Creek “family.” They stepped in when I had no one. Mom had her own grief to deal with and, even though I was standoffish to Carson at first, it didn’t scare him away. “My mom’s house is actually really close to one of the churches in town. I went there the whole time I was there. Got saved because of my baseball coach.” My pulse picks up as I think about Raegan. “My girlfriend went there as well. Met her my first day of school.”
I consider just blurting it all out… But how do I talk about possibly being a dad after only having sex once with a couple who has tried to have kids, but has miscarried every time? I don’t want to hurt Rachelle’s feelings.
“I won’t make you share anymore than you want to share.” Rachelle smiles at me and looks up at Josh. “Josh has told me a little about what’s going on. Girls are mysterious creatures.”
Josh interjects, “Some are, not all.” He tweaks the end of her nose, a secret look passing between them.
Rachelle laughs, “Okay, some are. I know relationships aren’t always easy. Life can get messy. But through it all we have to remember that God is good, and everything that happens inlife is for His glory.” She pauses, raising her eyebrows. “And sometimes it hurts, bringing God glory. We’re never promised happiness and fun in life. But as long as we accept Christ as our Savior, we’re promised eternal life.”
I nod, not able to think of a response. I glance around the room, anywhere but either of their eyes. I finally meet Josh and Rachelle’s gazes again. “My girlfriend and I… We had boundaries set, and we…” I struggle to get the words out. “We messed up. Messed things up with God too. I kind of don’t know where I stand with Him anymore.” Jared pats me on the shoulder. He gets it. Neither of us like to talk about our feelings.
Josh and Rachelle don’t look at me with judgement. I don’t feel, or see, anyone pointing fingers. And I realize that the shame and guilt I feel isn’t because of anyone else. It’s mine. I’m standing over myself, glaring down and pointing fingers. I’ve assumed that everyone else will do the same thing. Especially those who claim to be Christians.
“I haven’t been back to Clear Creek since I left. I haven’t even spoken with my girlfriend.” I shake my head. “I don’t even know if I can call her my girlfriend anymore.” I sigh. “Anyway, my mom called the other day, said she’d seen Raegan. And she had a baby with her.” I drop my head, a mixture of relief and trepidation squeezing my chest. I’ve finally blurted it all out. “So now there’s possibly a child without a father, and it’s my fault. On top of my messed up relationships.”
I scrunch my toes inside my socks, sweat coating the bottom of my feet. I refuse to meet anyone's eyes after the bomb I just dropped. I don’t want to hurt Rachelle. I don’t know how much of my story Josh has shared with her.
“Austin?” Josh’s voice is gentle, not like he was talking to a child, but it’s clear that he’s not upset and he’s not mad, or judging me.
I raise my head, meeting his eyes. I’m certain that mine are red with emotion. “Some days I wonder if God can even forgive what I did. Well, what Raegan and I did. Am I even a Christian? And what if she’s moved on. What if she’s just babysitting? And I go and ask her if she has a kid, and just make a stupid mess of everything.”
“You remember Jacob, in the Bible, right?” I nod in response to Rachelle’s question. “He cheated his brother out of his birthright, and he deceived his dad into thinking he was Esau. And he was later named Israel. He’s part of Christ’s lineage. There’s so many more examples!” She leans forward, “there’s no sin that God cannot forgive.None.” She clasps her hands over her knees. “Life can be messy, but God is always there, willing to pick you, willing to forgive you. He’s given you the Holy Spirit to convict you, but also to speak to you and lift you up. Your guilt isn’t meant to be carried forever, it’s just the signal that something between you and God isn’t right.”
“And all we have to do to make things right is go to God,” Josh says, laying a hand over Rachelle’s hands. “We’ve got to take that guilt and that shame, and put it all at His feet. Then we work on fixing what’s wrong between us and God.” His eyes light up as he leans forward. “I think talking to Raegan might help with your healing.”
“I just don’t want to cause her pain, and if she’s moved on…” I don’t want to entertain thoughts of Raegan with someone else. “I don’t want to create unnecessary drama. And I hate confrontation.” I run a hand through my hair. If I keep doing this, I’m going to go bald.
“Life is messy.” Rachelle turns to Josh. “I think that’s my new phrase.” She smiles and laughs. “Avoiding the messy parts doesn’t make life less messy. It just means eventually that closet door won’t hold the mess, and it’ll spill out everywhere. So, asmuch as it hurts, we’ve got to wade through the mess, ask God for help cleaning it up, and keep stepping forward in faith.”
I know what I need–no–what Ihaveto do now. This Christmas, I’m going back to Clear Creek. Even if it hurts. Even if Raegan is seeing someone else. Even if she doesn’t have a baby. I’m going to open the closet door and take care of my mess.
Chapter 27
Raegan - The Past
Isitup,clutchingmy shirt, trying to figure out why I’m lying in the bed of Austin’s truck. The light of the sun is little more than a nightlight, reaching over the trees and painting the clouds. Why is my shirt off? Why is my mind a haze?
Every touch. Every caress. Every breath. All of it comes rushing back. Pouring over me. It’s a bucket of ice cold water on my flaming skin. All the bliss. All the guilt. All the love. Austin sits up beside me. He’s missing his shirt and his eyes are half-lidded, as if he just woke up for the best night's sleep he’s ever had.
“No.” I gasp and choke on my breath. “No. No. No.” I’m numb. It didn’t happen. It didn’t.
I look at Austin. And he smiles.Smiles.
