Page 60 of Indecently Employed
She knew he was trapped. Still, she silently begged for him to refuse.
“Very well, then,” he said, looking away from her. “I can take you to the station tomorrow.”
She wanted to cry, to stand up and upset the table with her urgency, just as she had at tea that afternoon. She wanted him to take her in his arms and declare his love for all to see. But instead she nodded, the picture of docile propriety. The perfect, invisible governess. Forgotten by everyone, cherished by none. It felt so incredibly unfair. She could scarcely believe he’d let her go like this, without fighting for her to remain. True, it was possible she might return, but if his family had caught wise to what was going on between them, this was the end of everything for her.
Mr. Rickard cleared his throat. “No. I’ve been meaning to be off to Trenthide, to visit my sisters. I’ll escort Miss Abbotts on my way.”
Susanna’s heart sank even more. She wouldn’t even be able to say a proper goodbye. She offered Mr. Rickard a wan smile. “Thank you.”
The meal gradually picked back up, the conversation drifting away from the subject of her and her family, but Susanna felt one apart, stuck in place even as the family returned to their normal rhythm. She could not even look at Ajax. Glumly picking up her fork, she caught Charlotte watching her from across the table.
Charlotte’s large, dark eyes widened, as if to impart something to her, but Susanna couldn’t read them. It wasn’t until after the meal, when they’d retired to the drawing room with Mrs. Hartley and Mrs. Rickard, that Charlotte plopped down beside her on the settee.
“You’re upset.”
“What do you mean?” Susanna straightened her spine, but kept her gaze downward toward her book, the third volume ofEast Lynne, even though her eyes were unfocused, unable to read a word.
Charlotte ignored Susanna’s dissembling. “Are they loathsome? Your family?”
Susanna sighed and shut the book. “That is not a charitable way of speaking about anyone, Miss Sedley.”
“What about Napoleon? He was loathsome.”
Susanna smiled despite herself, too exasperated and wrung out to maintain her usual herculean patience. “I am glad to be visiting my family.”
Charlotte studied her face, looking at her so intently that Susanna began to feel a bit uncomfortable. Finally the girl stood up in front of her, pausing for a moment before speaking. “You will come back.”
“Of course I will. It’s only to allow the family some privacy as they spend time with your Uncle Tiberius.” She didn’t sound very convincing, at least not to herself.
“Worry not, Miss Abbotts,” Charlotte said, with such authority that Susanna found herself wanting to ask for clarification. But the girl had immediately walked away to the other side of the room, where she now sat at Mrs. Hartley’s feet petting Walter, the small lap dog who was sprawled out on his side, snoring at a volume Susanna would never have thought possible for such a diminutive creature.
She returned to her book, blinking away the hot tears building behind her eyes.
She’d made a point to retire before the gentlemen rejoined them. She would be gone the next morning, and after the dinner conversation she didn’t feel there was much more to be said. The thought that Mr. Rickard and Mr. Hartley knew about Susanna and Ajax, along with the face Mr. Hartley had made when inquiring after her situation, had horrified her.
And him—she could not bear to face him.
She clutched her book against her middle, meandering through the maze of wide hallways. She would allow herself this morose feeling; it seemed the only emotion she had the capacity for right now. So committed was she to her doleful drifting that she nearly didn’t see him, waiting for her at the door to the narrow staircase.
“Mr. Sedley,” she said, her voice breathless in surprise. She’d halted a respectable distance from him, though she still couldn’t help but glance behind her.
A look of pain crossed his face. He’d been waiting, leaning against the doorway. Now he straightened up and cleared his throat.
“Miss Abbotts, I…” He paused, dipping his head in thought. “I apologize for not thinking; that is, for not offering…” He sighed, cutting off his sentence again. Something broke in his face, and he closed the distance between them, reaching for her.
With his caress on her cheek, everything melted away. Susanna shut her eyes and leaned into the surprising coolness of his hand as his thumb traced a line along her jaw.
“I know I’m constantly apologizing, but it’s absolutely merited in this instance,” he said, his voice raspy.
She opened her eyes, confused. Her heart was thrumming in her chest, but she held steady, remaining at arm’s length even as every cell in her body yearned for his nearness.
“My family are a pack of vicious vipers. I should never have brought you here, that much is clear. I only wanted to keep you for…” He swallowed, his hand falling away. “I meant to keep your company only for us, for Charlotte and myself. Not to make you run the Sedley gauntlet. I was selfish. You had told me you’d be bereft without your father’s presence on the eve of your wedding, and even still I didn’t offer to take you home to visit. But then again, perhaps I’m not sorry. You’ve been a gift to us, a treasure. For myself and for Charlotte.”
“Oh,” Susanna managed, turning her book about in her hands. This felt an awful lot like a goodbye.
He released a long, drawn-out sigh. What would he do, or say, were they not at the mercy of prying eyes and eavesdroppers? Now that they’d potentially been exposed, everything felt so strained and impossible.
“They’re keeping you from me,” he whispered, his voice a quiet rumble. “That’s all. Don’t worry, I’ll sort it out. I’ll let them know, I’ll tell them that—”
