Page 146 of Game Changer
“I’m so sorry,” Scott whispered into Kip’s shoulder. “I never wanted you to leave. Please give me a chance to make it better.”
“Shh.” Kip kissed the top of Scott’s head.
They stayed that way for a while, wrapped up together and breathing each other in.
“Let’s sit,” Kip said, taking Scott’s hand. He held it gently, brushing his thumb over the bandages as he led him to the couch.
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking,” Scott said.
“Me too.”
“I’ve been miserable.”
“Me too.”
“I’d be lying if I said that the idea of coming out doesn’t still terrify me.”
“I know,” Kip said. “I’m putting too much pressure on you, especially now. So maybe I can back off a bit and be more patient.”
“But you wereright, Kip. You were right about everything. You shouldn’t have to hide. You shouldn’t be my secret. You deserve so much better than that.”
“Youdeserve so much better too, Scott.”
“I know I do. I’m just...scared.”
“Can I ask,” Kip said carefully, “what exactly it is you’re afraid of? You keep saying, your career, or your privacy, but I know the NHL has, like, Pride nights and stuff.”
Scott scrubbed a hand over his face. He looked exhausted.
“Sorry,” Kip said quickly. “I just... I guess I feel like maybe there’s something I’m not understanding here.”
“You’re right,” Scott said, “about the league. Theyaretrying. And teams are supposed to have a zero-tolerance policy about homophobia, but...” He sighed. “When I was a kid, I mean, hockey was my whole life. And, in that world, being gay—that was the worst insult. The lowest thing you could be. I can’t even tell you how many times I had to hear...well, every homophobic comment imaginable. It was pretty relentless.”
“Aimed at you?”
“At me, at everyone. It was just what you said if you wanted to get under a guy’s skin. Or if you were mad. And everyone accepted that. But when I started to realize that I mightbethat thing that my teammates all considered so repulsive...”
Kip took Scott’s hand. Scott swallowed and continued, “You have to remember, I went to boarding school—a hockey-focused boarding school—so there was no escape. And I hid. I hid my secret as deep as I could because I couldn’t hide the rest of me. I was the biggest star at that school, with NHL scouts coming to watch my games even then. And I knew—I mean, I thought, but I probably would have been right about it—that if I was caught with another boy, if anyone eventhoughtI wanted another boy, it would all be over.”
“Was there a boy?” Kip asked quietly.
Scott smiled sadly. “There was a boy. Later. In Junior. My teammate, Jacob.”
“Did you guys...?”
“No. I don’t know if he was... But I think, maybe. He might have been looking at me too. But neither of us would have acted on it. The risk was way too high.”
“But you wanted him.”
“Desperately.” Scott laughed, humorlessly. “I thought I was in love with him.”
“God. That must have been agony.”
Scott shrugged. “I forced myself to ignore it. Focus on what was important. Get to the NHL.”
“And the NHL wasn’t any better?”
“I can’t really explain it. It’s one thing for the NHL to wave the Pride flag and talk about inclusion—and that’s great, really, I’m not saying it isn’t—but the locker rooms, and on the ice, and on the road with the guys... I don’t know. I never felt comfortable being honest about that part of my life. I don’t think I’d be looked at the same way again.”
