Page 67 of The Beekeeper's Cottage
‘Grace,’ he said. ‘You came.’ And then he stood, pulling her with him, pulling her closer, and his arms welcomed her in as he cradled her head against his chest. ‘You came,’ he whispered again.
Around them the world continued to turn, the birds sang, the breeze rustled the trees at the churchyard’s edge, but for Grace there was just a quiet and peaceful, perfect calm. She was home.
They stood that way for a few minutes, Grace revelling in the warmth of his skin through his tee shirt, but then she pulled away and stood, looking at Amos, drinking him in; his hair, his dark eyes, his red boots. He looked the same, but different. Or perhaps it was just the way she was looking at him, or he her. They stood for a couple more moments until suddenly Amos laughed and it was just like the day they first met when he came into the village shop and she had rescued a bee from his shoulder. A bee that hadn’t wanted to be rescued at all. She now knew exactly how it felt.
‘How did you…?’ he began, but then he touched a hand to her arm. ‘Maria. Of course.’
Grace nodded. ‘How else would I know where you were?’
There was a pause while time seemed to stand still again as Amos’s eyes searched hers. His face softened. ‘And do you love her just as much as I reckoned you would?’
‘I do.’
She slipped her hand inside Amos’s and rested her head on his shoulder. ‘And although I’ve never met Beth, from what Maria said, I think that I’d have liked her very much too.’ She lifted her head. ‘Maria told me how close they were, so very different in looks but in all other respects two peas in a pod.’ Her eyes searched Amos’s, and he nodded, just slightly. ‘And she told me what happened, on the day that Beth died.’
Amos’s fingers wound tighter in hers. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said simply, head bowed.
She stared at him. ‘Whatever for?’
He didn’t answer but gazed out across the churchyard.
‘What, Amos? For leaving? For keeping your past a secret from me? Or for killing Beth?’
He flinched but held her look. The seconds ticked by and he still didn’t answer. He didn’t need to.
‘And how long are you going to continue being sorry for? Your whole life?’ She sighed and touched a hand to his face. ‘Let it go, Amos,’ she added. ‘You’ve suffered enough.’
‘I know…’ His voice was barely above a whisper. ‘But I don’t know how.’
‘By setting your guilt free, Amos…’
‘Grace, I—’
‘No, let me finish. I can’t begin to imagine what that time must have been like for you, or how you ever move on from something like that, but what I do know is that you’ve let your guilt be your prison. You couldn’t see a way to live without it, so you took it with you everywhere you went, like a snail sheltering inside his shell, praying that some blackbird wouldn’t crack it wide open.’
He gave a rueful smile. ‘I never pictured it quite like that,’ he said. ‘But you’re right, I know that.’
‘So then you also know that every once in a while it’s okay to put down your burden and take the weight off your shoulders. Or let someone else carry it for a while… someone who knows how precious it is and will care for it just as you do…’ She touched a hand to his cheek. ‘No one can wave a magic wand, Amos, and these feelings aren’t going to leave you overnight, but Maria is right, it’s time to forgive yourself. And, knowing how alike Beth and Maria were, I know that Beth wouldn’t have wanted you to live your life like this either, Amos, she’d have wanted you tolive…’
Amos closed his eyes and swallowed hard. Grace brought his head to rest against her chest and they clung together, a shuddering sigh giving way to quaking sobs as Amos finally released the pain he’d had tethered inside him for so long.
When Grace could feel his breathing start to ease, she straightened slightly. There was a question she needed to ask, although she was rather afraid of what the answer might be.
‘Amos… I know that Paul recognised you from his time on the news desk and that he threatened to reveal what he knew, but why did you leave the farm? Was that the only reason, because you were scared?’
He was silent for quite some time before answering, lifting his head to look at her. ‘I was just listening to your heartbeat,’ he said, finally. ‘And I think I’m finally beginning to listen to mine… but that’s a scary place for me, Grace. I’ve travelled all over the country, some beautiful places, some run-down, desperate places, but I’ve never been anywhere as daunting as the place that’s inside of me. In fact, I’ve tried to deny it even exists, but since I came to Hope Corner Farm I find it’s been poking at me, inviting me to visit, and there’s only one reason for that, Grace. And it’s you.’ He looked around him, spotting a bench a little distance away and motioning towards it.
Grace waited until they were seated before continuing. ‘That didn’t quite answer my question,’ she said.
Amos hung his head. ‘No, I know… Iwasscared about what Paul would tell you. I was terrified actually. That’s why I left in such a hurry, something I promised I’d never do. But you’ve been let down enough and… well, I couldn’t bear the thought that you might think I’d let you down too. That everything you thought about me was a lie, and in a way it was.’
‘You never lied to me, Amos. In fact, everything about the way you’ve acted only points to the goodness of the man inside, not the other way around. But that wasn’t the only reason, was it?’
‘No,’ said Amos quietly. ‘I wanted to stay… I wanted to stay withyou, but Grace, you’ve seen the way I live. I can’t remember the last time I slept in a bed and I’ve got used to that, the freedom, the open road and the possibilities that opens up. What started off as a means to assuage some of my guilt has also allowed me to discover who I really am, and I enjoy that way of life – not being tied to one place – the materiality of possessions but I—’
‘I’ve lost the house,’ said Grace, abruptly.
Amos’s head shot up, his eyes full of apology. ‘Oh my God, the weekend…’
