Page 57 of Every Sunset
“Anna?”
I cried out when a hand landed on my shoulder, and was halfway to throwing myself to the ground to better protect myself when I realized where I was, and that the voice was just Madd.
“It’s me! Just me, Anna!” he called to me when I let out a huge gasp of fear and teetered on the brink of falling over. Thankfully, he just grabbed my arm in time before I went down and pulled me to his side, supporting my shaky body against his.
“Oh God! Sorry…” I breathed, between panicked gasps for breath.
“Just breathe, baby. You’re okay. I’ve got you,” Madd soothed as he just held me.
“I don’t know wh-what’s wrong with me…” I panted as tears filled my eyes. “I f-feel like I’m losing my fucking mind, Madd.”
“You’re scared, Anna, and you have a right to be after what you went through. You’re not losing your mind. You’re dealing with trauma in the best way that your brain knows how.”
“This isn’t me though. I don’t freak out. I don’t live like this all of the time….scared and fucking crying. I’m so sick of it all, Maddox. I was strong before and I need to be strong again, damn it!”
“You will be, baby, but it’s gonna take time. It doesn’t matter how much you want to just put the memories of what you went through behind you – it’s just not that easy, and trauma doesn’t work that way. Trust me, I know.”
“I just feel so out of control. It’s like my emotions aren’t even my own half the time. I just want to feel like myself for a while – like I’m in control of something, you know?” I sighed, tiredly.
“You’re exhausted, Anna. How about we get done here so you can rest a while? You’ll feel better when you’re not so tired.”
“I don’t want to sleep anymore, Madd. It’s all so much worse when I close my eyes.” Tears ran silently down my cheeks and in an instant Madd had moved to grab me at my hips and lifted me in his arms. He led me to wrap my legs around his waist, and I automatically linked my arms around his neck and nestled into him. He was so warm against my chilled skin, and he smelled so comfortingly familiar. Home. He smelled like home and safety.
“Tell me what you need, Anna,” Madd coaxed gently.
“This,” I sighed as I pressed my face against the soft skin at the nape of his t-shirt. “You. The fear all gets so much quieter when you hold me like this. Your touch lets me feel just a little like myself...for a while at least.”
“I’m right here, baby. I’ll hold you as tight as you want me to, for as long as you need me to,” he promised.
“And what if I want more than that?” I asked shyly as I lifted my head just enough to glance up and meet his eyes. Madd took ina deep breath and seemed to hold it a moment before blowing it out loudly.
“You’re tired, Anna….” He lowered me down, setting my feet on the ground, but I refused to let him go from my hold around the back of his neck.
“Don’t, Madd. Please don’t. I wouldn’t ask you if I weren’t sure. Please don’t make me question what I know, without doubt, I both want and need right now. Everything else is so messed up. I need this. I need you. Us. That’s one thing I do see clearly. You, me, and Logan. I want that. I want us.” Before he could utter a reply, or more likely an argument, I pulled back just enough to press up onto my tiptoes, then I pressed my lips over his and kissed him hard and fast.
For the first moment he seemed unsure how to respond, and I thought he was going to push me back, worried I wasn’t thinking clearly, but when I grabbed his forearms and clung to them almost desperately, he instantly responded, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me closer as he passionately returned my kiss.
I moved my hands to his shoulders and pushed as close to his body as I could, needing to feel his strength and warmth all around me as he drove me higher with need. I squeaked in protest when I just couldn’t seem to get close enough, and Madd must have heard me, because before I knew it I was in his hold again, my legs wrapped around his trim waist and clinging to him like he was my life raft in a wild sea.
I felt almost frantic as I grabbed onto his arms, his shirt, his shoulders…anywhere I could touch. I wanted him closer, despite the fact I was already clinging tightly to his top half and writhing against him with no regard to how frenzied and desperate I hadto look. I just wanted to hide from the world with Maddox in tht moment. I wanted the two of us to come together in a way that would block out everything but us, and that moment.
“Easy, Anna. Just slow down a little. I’m gonna give you what you need,” Maddox soothed after tearing his lips from the frantic kiss I had us locked in.
“I need you Maddox,” I panted.
“You’ve got me already. I’m right here,” he told me as he moved over to my bed which sat in the center of the room and held me in one arm while he used the other to move the bag, which I had been in the middle of packing, to the floor.
“That’s n-not what I mean and you know it,” I gasped as he started to kiss down my neck, as if he were trying to distract me from his quick movements to clear the bed.
“I do know,” he chuckled a little between kisses against my flushed skin, then he lowered me onto the center of my mattress and took a step back from the bed. “Take your clothes off for me, beautiful,” he told me, before I could protest his stopping touching me.
I didn’t hesitate to pull off the sweater I was wearing, and I made quick work of shucking off my yoga pants too. The whole time Madd just stood off to the side watching me with so much heat and need in his eyes it was just making my need even more desperate.
I didn’t even pause enough to think until I started to pull off the cami I wore. I barely touched the hem before I froze and looked back up to Madd with some uncertainty.
“What’s wrong?” he asked as his expression turned to one of worry and he bent to sit on the edge of the bed beside me. “It’s alright if you’re not ready for this, Anna.”
“I…I am. It’s just….my body. The scars….they’re not even scars yet. They’re red and angry and s-so ugly, Madd. I sh-should keep this on,” I explained shakily as I released the hem on my cami and resolved not to remove it.
