Page 50 of Adrift Without You
He pulls me back into his arms. “I will. I’ll figure it out.”
We remain on the floor, Bren caressing my back until my breathing settles and the shudders subside. When I finally sit up, embarrassment flushes my cheeks, but Bren’s eyes are red-rimmed too. He gazes back at me, concern etched into his face, then cups my jaw and presses his lips to mine.
“We’ve got time. It’s okay,” he assures me before standing and locating his boxers and T-shirt. I follow suit and slip mine on too.
“Do you want to lie on the sofa for a while? I can get us a blanket.” I head out of the room without waiting for an answer, grabbing a blanket from the linen closet then a box of tissues from the bathroom. When I return, Bren is on a call, facing the window with his back to me.
“Yeah, he’s really sick, Chris. I think whatever shit he took was laced with somethin’. There’s no way I can leave him alone tonight.”
Bren’s head drops while he listens to Chris’s response.
“Yeah, that’s what I think, too. He’s a fuckwit. I’ll stay here tonight and keep an eye on him. I’ll see you in the mornin’ for breakfast unless I have to take him to the hospital.”
More silence. I place the tissue box on the coffee table, take a couple and blow my nose as quietly as possible.
“Thanks for understanding. Love you too. Bye.”
When Bren turns around, his eyes drop to the floor, guilt all over his face. Guilt for lying to Chris or guilt for being overheard,I can’t be sure. I push my jealousy aside because what right do I have?
I motion for Bren to join me on the large chaise lounge, which is the size of a double bed. He blows his nose and then settles under the blanket, folding into my arms like it’s second nature. Our bodies have matured, yet Bren still slots perfectly under my arm, his head nestled under my chin.
Everything feels different now, as if we can never be the men we were before. To me, this doesn’t feel like cheating because I stopped loving James many years ago, but for Bren, I know it’s a different matter.
“Whose house are you supposed to be at?” I ask.
“Steve’s. I said he came down to the pub and took a hit of somethin’ bad.”
I’m surprised Bren’s still in frequent enough contact with another of Bruce’s foster kids to use him as a cover story. They’d never really gotten along, and Steve was only there for three years, but perhaps they’re bonded in some way.
“I’m sorry you had to lie for me.”
Bren shifts uncomfortably. “Not lyin’ for you, I’m lyin’ for me. And I’ve been doin’ a lot of that lately. Well, maybe longer than just lately, if I’m bein’ honest.”
Bren relaxes his weight against me, then throws his leg over mine, the familiarity of the action calming me.
“Ky, you know this can only be one night, right?” Bren squeezes my hand. “We should talk and face our past, then say our goodbyes the right way this time. But that’s all this can be.”
I kiss his forehead, my lips lingering. “I know. I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m leaving James. I’d rather be on my own if I can’t be with you. I’ll wait for you, even if it’s forever.”
Bren presses a kiss to my collarbone. “Don’t say that. I don’t want you to be alone.”
“I won’t be. I have Lu, and I’m doing my damnedest to repair my relationships with my siblings.”
“I’m glad you have Lu. I—I sometimes think of Ethan. You know, wonder how he’s doing. I hope he’s happy.”
“Why don’t you contact him?”
“Cos I fucked it up and by the time I got outta prison it seemed too late. The kid was always better off without me.”
“Hey, that’s not true. Bren, look at me.” Bren twists his body to face me. “I know you never wanted Ethan, and that’s fair. But you learned to love him, and any kid would be lucky to have you as their dad.”
“Sometimes I think I only loved him cos you did. You treated him like he was our son, ofourflesh and blood, and that made me see him, you know, separate from”—Bren drops his eyes—"from the fucked-up way he came into this world.”
We’ve never spoken about this. When we were boys, we were unable to face the truth of it, so it sat between us, a festering and neglected wound. I turn away, old pain welling up.
“Hey, did I say somethin’ wrong? I’m sorry.” Bren gently presses his thumb to my chin and turns my face back to him.
“It’s me that needs to apologise for causing all that shit in your life,” I say. “I always wanted more because I loved you so much, but I was a dumb fucking teenager who only cared about myself. That very first night we had together was everything to me. After that, everything went to shit. I didn’t protect you, Bren, so what does that say about me?”
