Page 60 of Adrift Without You
Yesterday had been brutal. I’d collapsed into bed as soon as I’d arrived home from my course, but then slept erratically, repeatedly waking to the reality that Bren and I weren’t together and most likely never will be. I ache, body and soul, for him. The emptiness I felt before our night together grows larger, leaving me hollow and bereft. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more than a second chance with Bren.
I want the opportunity to look afterhim. I want Sunday mornings in bed and cuddling on the sofa, and, most of all, to grow old with him.
Worried I’ll be late to pick up Lu, I glance at my watch, my knee bouncing anxiously. The camp bus is scheduled to arrive at 5:00, so I’ll make it in time if my number gets called soon. James’s flight lands at 7:00 PM, which means I can spend some time with Lu before I have to deal with him—a husband who’s only texted twice while he’s been interstate. It certainly speaks to the state of our marriage.
“Number seven,” the nurse announces.
I stand, holding up the number card, then follow her into the treatment room, rolling my sleeve up as I go. I want this over and done with. I should’ve gone out and bought condoms or we shouldn’t have had sex. Coming inside Bren was reckless and selfish. Even though I’d asked for his consent first, it was unbelievably stupid. If I’ve passed something onto him and then he passes it to Chris…
Fear grips my gut because, let’s face it, the possibility of James indulging in extra-marital sex is a definite possibility.
The nurse checks my ID and details, then takes my blood, telling me the results will be available on Monday. Outside in the car park, I throw up in the gutter, the bile burning my throat.
Maybe I’m not okay. I need Bren. The thought of lying in bed with James tonight fills me with dread. I can’t fuck him, I just can’t. It would feel like I was cheating on Bren.
Slumping down in the front seat of my car, I swirl some water around my mouth to clear the bitter taste, then spit it out on the ground. In part, I regret my night with Bren. My need for him had seemed unbearable before, but now that need is ripping me apart.
I unlock my phone and find Bren’s number, my finger hovering over the call icon. Closing my eyes, I breathe deeply, trying to gain some control. I can’t call because I promised I’d stop. Tossing the phone on the passenger seat, I start the car and head towards Lu’s school.
A couple of weeks later, having signed a twelve-month lease on a modest three-bedroom house, I’m equal parts nervous and excited to discuss my plans with Lu. The second we arrive home from dance class I gently touch her shoulder. “Lu, I know you have homework, but I need to talk to you about something important.”
“Is everything okay?” She drops her school bag down on the floor and eyes me suspiciously. “Has something happened?”
“Come and sit down.” I lead her through to the kitchen, and we sit on opposite sides of the table.
“We’ve already talked about things changing around here,” I begin. “But now I need to tell you my plans so you can decide whatyouwant to do. I won’t be angry whatever you decide. I promise.”
“Okaaay,” Lucinda says.
“Pumpkin, you know Papa and I haven’t been happy for a long time, and I can’t stay married to him any longer.” I pause, waiting for a reaction, but she just stares at me as if I’ve stated the obvious, which I guess I have.
“So I rented a house, and, after I finish my course, I’m going to move in there. I want you to come with me. Papa may try to fight me in court for custody, but because of your age you’ll be able to tell the judge what you want, and they’ll take it into consideration. For now, I need to know if you want to leave with me in three weeks or stay here with Papa. Whatever you decide, I’ll make sure you don’t miss out on anything.”
Lu’s eyes search mine. “Doyouwant me to come with you?”
“More than anything.”
Lu reaches for my hand. “Of course I’ll come with you, Dad. Have you told Papa yet?”
Relief washes over me and the tension falls from my shoulders. “No, not yet. Tonight, I plan on telling him that I need some space and am moving into the downstairs guest bedroom. Then when I finish the course, I’ll tell him we’re moving out. I know I shouldn’t ask, but please don’t tell Papa I’ve already rented a place.”
“Yeah sure, I understand. I won’t say anything.” Lu chews on her bottom lip for a few moments. “Dad, has this got anything to do with Brendan? You’ve been kinda weird the last couple of weeks.”
“No. Me leaving has nothing to do with Bren. But I did see him again when you were on camp and we talked about our past, and it put a lot of things into perspective.”
“You still love him, don’t you?”
I consider lying, but she deserves the truth. She’s not a little girl anymore. I nod. “I shouldn’t, but I do. I’ll probably always love him.”
Lu puts her elbows on the table and rests her chin in her hands. “Dad, I don’t know if I should tell you this but…” She doesn’t finish her sentence, her expression uncertain.
“It’s okay,” I say. “You can tell me anything.” I offer my hand, and she takes it.
Sucking in a deep breath, she then blurts out in a rush, “I overheard something last week and I think Papa is cheating on you.”
I still and wait for the anger, or sadness, orsomething, to hit me. But it doesn’t. This could be the leverage I need. Although, thank fuck my STI tests came back negative! “What makes you think that?” I ask.
“A couple of nights ago, I came downstairs to get a drink, and I heard him talking on the phone in his office. It was pretty late and you’d already gone to bed. He said a whole lot of stuff like, ‘I wish I was with you,’ and ‘Sydney was everything,’ and I’m not sure if I should repeat this one…”
