Page 133 of Rivals
I sigh again and stare at the door, hoping someone comes in at any second, so I don’t have to answer her question. I talk to Betty about a lot, but I don’t give her details. Lachlan is the only one who knows a lot about me, and I didn’t tell him half of it. He just inherently knew.
“I think we are both just stressed about the last project. We want to win. It could change everything for us. I want to do something, but he doesn’t want to, so we’re kind of in a standoff.”
“Hmm, and why doesn’t he want to do what you want to do?” she asks. I explain the exposure of it and the vulnerability it would take to paint us. “Honey, I don’t blame him. What’s between a man and his woman is sacred. You both have been through some things you may not have told me, but I can see it in both of you. Are you prepared for the questions that would inevitably come?”
She looks at me with concern in her shining eyes, which stirs the anxiety in my stomach. I take another sip of coffee, thinking about her question. It’s a hard one. “No, I don’t,” I say quietly.
“Then why do you want to do it?”
“Because it’s all we have,” I snap.
“Hm, I think you need to keep trying with him, Revna. Maybe it just hasn’t come to you yet. He doesn’t have any ideas?”
I shake my head no. “Well, honey, no one ever said it would be easy. Are you sure that’s all that’s going on?”
She waits for my answer. I don’t have the words to tell her that Lachlan is sinking, and it’s all I can do to give myself to him in an effort to help him keep floating. We both can’t stop swimming. If we do, I don’t know if we will ever rise above the surface again.
After my shift, I made the last-minute decision to go back to my place. I almost texted Lachlan, but he is at work and probably won’t see it. I know I need to go to NA, and then maybe if I sleep in my bed, it might ease the festering ache that’s grown bigger and heavier with the days. The only thing I could think of is giving each other space. He’s working through something that he won’t talk to me about. If it were me, I would want space, too. When I found out about my mom, that’s exactly what I wanted, but Lachlan didn’t care; he forced himself in anyway. Looking back, I realize it may not have been what I wanted at the time, but it is what I needed. I don’t know what he needs.
I decided before my shift that I would do this. I need it. But as my thumb hesitates over the phone number, I ask myself if it’s worth it. I should have deleted it before I left for Italy, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I hit send and ignore the guild churning in my stomach. It’s worth it right now. He responds immediately with a time. I head back to my place, and unsurprisingly, Joshua isn’t here.
I drop my bags and look around the empty space with my desk, dresser, and twin bed. It all feels so…empty. I feel empty. I change into the clothes I brought and then go to the meet-up spot.
I pace back and forth across the street from where I know he’ll be. I could turn around now and fight the urge, maybe stand in a cold shower until I can’t feel my bones. I bite my nails nervously, looking between two paths. I know which one I should pick, but I chose the one I shouldn’t. I stride over to Freddy, and he watches me approach him with a sly look on his face. “Revna, it’s been a while. You good?” I nod and hand him the cash, burning a hole in my pocket. We make the trade, and I spin on my heel to leave. “Good seeing you, sweetheart,” he says with an edge that makes my skin crawl. I force the fear down and keep my steps solid and consistent so he doesn’t notice how scared I am.
My demons nip at my heels the moment I turn the corner out of his sight. I take off to my place. With keys ready, I turn the lock quickly and sprint up the stairs.
The lights are still off and Joshua still isn’t home. I lock the front door and my bedroom door and toss the OBA on the bed like it’s on fire. My knees go weak, and I drop down, running my hands furiously through my hair. Tears brim in my eyes, and I know I can’t take it. I’m not strong enough. I reach for the bag, slip two on my tongue, and drink from my sink in the bathroom.
I shove the bag in my drawer, kick it shut, and collapse onto my bed to stare at the white ceiling. My lip trembles, and a sob bursts from me. I cry into my pillow, hating myself for what I’ve just done, and secretly wish it would work faster so I don’t have to feel this way. I want to feel good like I did with Lachlan in Italy. But we’re not in Italy, and Lachlan’s not here. Nothing is the same; everything has changed, and I wasn’t prepared for any of it.
Once the tears finally stopped, I pulled myself together and left a note for Joshua, telling him I was there. I don’t know when I’ll be back.
I lock the door behind me and head back to Lachlan’s. I don’t know why I do it, but I feel like I need to go back to him. I just broke my sobriety. Instead of helping me like I hoped it would, I feel like it just pulled the noose tighter.
You are not alone in this, Revna. You are loved anyway. You are not beyond help.
Chapter 79
Lachlan
Ihaveonemoresession tonight, and then I can go home to Revna. The days are getting harder and harder to push through, but at least I have her to come home to. My dad texted me again. I didn’t respond. He wants an answer, and I don’t have one. I can’t even bring myself to talk to her about any of it, and I hate myself for it.
The words keep getting stuck in my throat. It doesn’t help that we don’t have an idea for our last piece. My first go-to is sculpture. I could just start there and see what happens, but it feels like our recent piece, and I know neither of us wants to feel too repetitive. The concept behind Revna’s idea is beautiful, and I do want us to do it, but for us. Not for the world to see.
When I get home, all the lights are off, which is odd. I flip on the kitchen, assuming Revna isn’t home. I drop my keys and realize she’s in bed asleep. It’s only nine, but sleep sounds good.
After my shower, I slide into bed, careful not to wake Revna. She turns around, and her lips are parted on a heavy breath. I stare at her for what feels like hours. As my eyes droop, I feel her hand reach for mine. I check to see if she’s awake, but she’s still gone to the world. It helps ease the ache, knowing that she reaches for me even in her sleep.
***
The next morning, I woke up to find Revna watching me sleep. I groan and stretch. “Were you watching me sleep?” I ask her. She shrugs. Her hands are tucked under her face as she looks at me. “What?”
Her eyes are kind of glassy. I can’t tell if it’s because she’s about to cry or it’s from the thing she told me she would stop. Instead of asking questions, I don’t want to know the answer. I gather her to my body and throw my leg over hers. “Did you sleep good?”
“Yeah,” she sighs.
I frown at her tone. “You were out by the time I got home. I hope I didn’t wake you up.”
