Page 83 of Where the Dark Knelt
Cringing, I thought of the possibility of Will running into Alfie on campus and finding out what really happened.Saffywas with Will as he was dropping her off at her college campus. I was relieved that I didn’t have to lie twice. Alfie, I didn’t want to deal with at all. I deleted all his missed calls.
My voicemail envelope was flashing. I didn’t want to check it, but felt I should, just in case myparents had called. Message #1, Alfie’s voice—delete. I deleted the next six from him also. Message #8 was a little different, he sounded almost melancholic. “I won’t let you walk away without us talking this out.”
Feelingespecially angry about that message, I called his number. I don’t even think it even rang before he answered. “Oh, thank God. I was worried sick.” I smarted at that.
“Really, Alfie?That would imply you cared. Won’t let me walk away from what?” My heart was already broken by his treatment of me. I snickered.
“Why were you worried? We’re nothing, and anyway, I thought you didn’t do emotions.” He exhaled into his cell.
“This isn’t the time for glib remarks,” he said dryly. “Where are you?”
I sighed. “Oh, no you don’t, you don’t get to be in the same room as me again, do you hear me?” My voice got higher as I continued, I was so incensed. “I don’t want you. I don’t want anything to do with you. Why won’t you leave me alone? What the hell is wrong with you?”
His voice interrupted, “Meet me. We’ll talk, I promise.” My heart was thumping in my chest, my head bursting with anger.
“You aren’t listening to me. Goddamn it, Alfie. I’m not meeting you, I’m not… I’m just not… anything to you anymore. Correction, I was never anythingto you.”
Alfie sighed heavily. “That’s not true,” he snapped back at me.
I tried to sound calm.“Last night, on the bus, you had the opportunity to let me in.You avoided it.”
Alfie was silent,and thenhe let out a long sigh. “You want to know about me? Meet me, I’ll tell you anything you want to know.” I huffed, tired of this carousel we always seemed to be on.
“Why? Why should I meet you? What difference is it going to make? It’s going to be the same old circus. I’m walking away, Alfie. You’ve made me a mess, and I can’t allow you any more of my time. You’re not good for me.”
“Wait!” he shouted, sensing that I was completely serious. “I’m begging you, meet me. Please” His voice sounded desperate. I’d never heard any real emotion in his voice before except when he sang.
Against my better judgment I relented. “You have one hour of my time, and only because I’m curious. Fuck it upandyou don’t exist to me, got it?” He sighed again, but this time it sounded like relief.
“Okay, where are you?” I shrugged, even though he couldn’t see me.
“I don’t know, but my car will be here in a few minutes, give me a zip code and I’ll meet you… It needs to be somewhere public, Alfie. I’m not coming to yours.”
So an hour later,I sat observing him from my rental car before I went over to meet him. Alfie didn’t look up when I drove into the restaurant parking lot, but he didn’t know it was me in the rental. Sitting rubbing his thighs, rocking back and forth, Alfie cut a lonely figure. Tilting his head, Alfie looked as if he were deep in thought, before dropping it again, and shaking it.
Whatever he was thinking, it was troubling him.How could someone that looked that good make me feel this bad?I had to get past how he looked and what I felt for him and remember why I was here.
Smiling weakly at me, he stood slowly as I walked toward him. When I reached him, he almost put his hand on my waist as he greeted me. I threw him a look, and he dropped it to his side. “Thanks for agreeing to meet me, Lily.” His voice sounded soft and tired.
Alfie gestured to an outside table at the restaurant. The waitress brought coffee, and I set the alarm on my cell and placed it in front of me. “You have an hour, Alfie. Say what you want to say.” My tone was abrupt, I was determined this time.
“You want to know about me? Okay, I’m twenty-four years old. I live in my family home… alone. My parents are dead, my mom when I was eighteen, my dad a couple of years ago, one from cancer the other drank himself to death because he lost her… my mother. My sister won’t come home to see me because she can’t bring herself to come to the house that my parents died in. I can’t leave it for the same reason.”
I sat in silence, listening to him. For someone so young, he’d taken a huge hit emotionally, no wonder he was shut down.“There is stuff that I can’t talk about. Or that I’m not ready to talk about. I really like you, Lily, but trust me, I can’t and won’t get into a relationship.” He gave me a half smile.
So here we go again. Nothing’s changed.“So you think the way to deal with your grief is to fuck up someone else’s mind?” He looked pensively at me. “How many ‘fuck buddies’ have you had, Alfie?” He shifted in his seat.
“Honestly?”
I cringed when he said that, expecting at least double digits.
He looked asif he was counting then sighed. “One. You.” A tear rolled down his cheek, he exhaled heavily and looked down at his hands. I digested what he was saying. “And, the other women?”
“They’re… they don’t count.” I smirked at his dismissive tone.
“Me? What about me?” His eyes softened.
“When I touch you, Lily, my head goes into meltdown. I just want to feel pleasure, which isn’t the same feeling as love. I told you I wasn’t capable of a hearts-and-flowers relationship.” A silent pause passed between us. I just didn’t know what to say, nothing I could say would make either one of us feel any better.
