Page 84 of Where the Dark Knelt
“I don’t want to lose you.” It was almost inaudible, and my eyes snapped up to his.
“Lose me? Alfie, you can’t lose what you don’t have.” His speech faltered.
“I know… but still…” He struggled with himself, trying to figure out exactly what he meant. His hand ran through his hair again.
“Let me ask you something. I don’t expect a reply, and if you walk away, I’ll let you, because it’s the best thing for you, but just let me say it.” I waited as his gaze fixed on mine. Reaching over, he took my hand. I stiffened, and his eyes looked pleadingly at me not to fight this, so I let him continue to hold it in his.
“I didn’t want last night to go like that. I’m really sorry, baby.” My eyes shot up at him.
“I’m not your baby.”
He gave me a half smile, and bit the inside of his cheek. “I know, sorry.” He looked a little embarrassed at his term of endearment.
Pleading with him, I asked, “Why don’t you just leave me alone, you can’t say you don’t know you’re hurting me?” He cradled my hand between both of his. I was tired, I couldn’t fight him because it felt comforting to have him touch me, even though I’d pay for it later.
“I can’t… I can’t explain it, but I can’t leave you alone.” He lifted my hand and brushed his lips across the back of it. It was an intimate, affectionate gesture, but at the same time he knew he was crushing my heart.
A tear rolled down my face. He brushed it away with his thumb, leaving his hand caressing my cheek. “I don’t want to use you, Lily, I don’t want to cause you pain. I want to spend time with you, I like you. I love being inside you, touching you, holding you. I wish I could love you, but I can’t.” His voice broke on the last word.
My heart cracked open at his honesty. I wanted to run away and never have to face him again. I sniffed. “Why, Alfie? If you can’t love me then you need to let me be.” He looked pale, his eyes sad.
“I can’t do love… I can’t offer you that. I told you no hearts and flowers.”
I felt furious from hearing the same thingevery time. “So you keep telling me. It’s so unfair. I can’t believe I agreed to meet you. Nothing’s changed, I don’t know why I let you do this to me.” Alfie smoothed his hand over his T-shirt, rubbing his chest.
“Maybe if we spent more time together, you wouldn’t feel this way. Maybe my emotions wouldn’t be such a focus for you if we were friends.”
A single tear dropped onto my T-shirt. “Alfie, don’t you get it? We have never been just friends. Friends don’t hurt each other like that. Do you think I’m your plaything, Alfie?” A sob escaped my throat. “You continually play with my feelings, toy with me, tease me. How about this? From now on you leave me alone. Let me have the chance to meet someone that can do all the things for me you can’t, Alfie, have you thought about that?” I picked at the napkin on the table. “You as much as told two guys last night that I was your girl, I’m yours to any man that pays attention to me. But it’s not true, is it? I’m notyoursand you most definitely aren’t mine. All this hot sexual tension then the cold-shoulder behavior is screwing with my head. I can’t do this anymore.”
Looking angry, he retorted, “If you were honest with yourself, Lily, you’d agree that when I’m near you, it gives you pleasure too. I’m not wrong about the way you look at me.”
Alfie shook his head at me, staring into my eyes. “You wanted me during those few moments. I could have had you every time. I didn’t take advantage of that.” Alfie struggled to express himself. “I can’t help the endless sexual tension there is around us. I suppose it’s because you gave me the best sex ever, but you feel it as well.”
“That’s just it!” I spat. “I don’t want to do that. Well, maybe I do sometimes, just for fun,” I said confused. He gave me a half smile and latched onto that last statement by widening his eyes in interest at me.
“If you are talking about your needs, mine count too. I’m not like you, Alfie. I need love as well as sex.” I stared at hisbeautiful, sad face and whispered, “I deserve the man I’m with to love me, to make love to me. I know that I couldn’t live without that for the rest of my life.” He held my gaze and nodded slowly, letting go of my hand, and gave me a resigned smile.
The alarm went off on my cell. I switched it off and stood up. “How are you getting back?”
Alfie hugged himself. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll get back okay.”
I couldn’t leave him standing in the middle of Orlando when I was going back anyway. “Come on, I’ll give you a ride, but you’re not to touch me.”
Giving me a small grin, he shook his head and crossed his heart with his finger, commenting, “I promise, most definitely not.”
I drove back, withmusic as our safe topic of conversation, and Alfie slept some of the way. He had been up all night looking for me, and I had been asleep. I know it shouldn’t have, but it kind of made me feel better that he was worried enough not to sleep, but I did feel a little guilty about that all the same.
Alfie had said he couldn’t give me up. I didn’t know he’d had me. It didn’t feel like I’d had him in any way, except the biblical sense, that’s for sure.
My heart squeezed to think of how fabulous we could have been together in all ways, but he just didn’t want me enough.So… I wasn’t enough for him. What I did know, was that our sexual chemistry made me vulnerable—Alfie himself had admitted that he was powerless to stop himself.
If I wasn’t careful, I could also end up in a strange relationship that relied solely on sex. I knew by then, that I didn’t want that. However, my body craved his touch, and I neededto take control to prevent anything from happening between us again.
It wouldn’t be a case of it may happen again. I, like he, knew it was a matter of when because my traitorous body kept overruling common sense.
We arrived at his house, and he stretched out. “Sorry I was such bad company.” He gave me a sad smile. I was glad he’d slept most the way. It saved yet another conversation full of angst. He got out of the car and walked around to my open window. He was holding my gaze, looking serious,alonging in his eyes.
“You’re not going to speak to me again, are you?”
