Page 80 of Loathing Ryan
“No,” she said firmly. I stared into her eyes, trying to determine if she was actually telling the truth. I was relieved when I found no hint of deceit, but I did pick up on the way she cowered slightly under my hard glare, and I knew. She tried to catch herself from faltering, but it was too late.
“But you do like him.”
Izabel’s arms wrapped tighter around herself, and she cast her eyes down at the floor. I felt my heart crack as she slowly nodded.
Izabel
I watched Ryan as he let out a harsh breath and moved over to the edge of my bed. He sat down and gripped his fingers in his hair. I stayed there for a second, trying to catch my bearings. Slowly, I walked over to the bed and sat down next to him. I carefully placed my hand on his back. I could feel his warmth through his shirt, almost like he was radiating heat.
Ryan washere.
I could hardly believe that this was real life and not a dream. I had to be dreaming. Because he washere.
And he looked incredible. I hadn’t seen Ryan since last summer, and since then, he had filled out considerably. He still had scruffy facial hair, which made him look much older than his twenty-one years. He must have been hitting the gym because he was much more muscular than I remembered.
I would have given anything to be in a different room right now, having a different conversation. Preferably without clothes… But we had to get through this.
I took a breath and then readied to explain myself. “No. I don’t like him like that. It’s just—Mark has pretty much been my only friend here. I don’t seem to get along with any of the people in my classes, so all I have is him. And I barely get to talk to you anymore. I don’t want to hurt you. I’d rather die than hurt you. But?—”
Ryan stared at me, trying to piece everything together. Then he let out another sharp breath as he popped off the bed. His fingers dug into his hair as he paced back and forth. “How did this happen?”
I wasn’t entirely sure if that question was rhetorical or not, but I answered anyway. “It’s just been sohardwithout you here. We’rehoursapart. I can never talk to you when I need you.”
Ryan stopped pacing and turned to look at me. I wasn’t sure if it was the words that got him or the tone of my voice when I whispered them. But the thunderous expression melted away, and he calmed considerably. Ryan came and sat beside me on the bed, waiting for me to go on.
“This has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I miss seeing you. I want to be with you more than once or twice a year,” I told him. I could feel the telltale sting of tears in my eyes and knew they were not far off. I looked up at the ceiling to try to ward them off for as long as I could. “It’s just been so hard, Ryan. I’ve been struggling. And Mark has been here this whole time, seeing me struggle and helping me cope. I feel like I’ve been pulling apart at the seams, and he’s been helping hold me together.”
“Bells…” Ryan’s voice broke after my confession. He reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
The first tear slipped out of the corner of my eye and trailed down my cheek. I shook my head back and forth. “I’m not going to be why you don’t have a successful future. If I told you how I felt, you’d come home.”
“Damn right, I would. I’d be on the first flight out.”
“Which is what I didn’t want,” I said honestly. “I don’t want you to come home and forfeit all the work you’ve done. I know you love it over there, the culture, the school, the work. You love it all.”
Ryan reached for me and pulled me into his lap. I wrapped my arms around his neck and let him hold me as I allowed the tears to fall. “I loveyoumore, Bells. I don’t care about any of that if I don’t have you. Ask me to come home. I’ll drop out, drop everything if that’s what it takes.”
“You’re not happy.” It wasn’t a question. Ryan’s whole approach deflated like he was putting down his weapons and admitting defeat.
I slowly shook my head and closed my eyes. I heard Ryan let out a sigh, and I finally looked back at him. “No.” He gave me a tight-lipped smile and placed me back on the bed next to him. “Are you happy?” I asked him right back.
Ryan begrudgingly shook his head. I could tell it wasn’t what he wanted to admit, but we were here together, baring our souls. It would only hurt us more to lie at this point.
“Then what do we do?” I asked shakily.
He hesitated, and I watched him closely, waiting to hear his solution. Finally, he stiffened slightly and dropped his head. “Maybe we need to take a break.”
My chest ached, but I nodded twice. “For how long?”
“I don’t know,” he responded with a disbelieving laugh. “I never thought we’d be here. This definitely wasn’t how I saw this visit going today.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, my voice breaking.
“Hey,” he said before placing his pointer finger under my chin and bringing my gaze up to him. “This isn’t your fault.”
More tears welled up in my eyes, and I pulled away, laughing without humor as they started to spill down my cheeks. “I feel like it is.”
Ryan wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. In a swift motion, he maneuvered us from sitting on the side of my mattress to laying flat. I cuddled closer to him, breathing in the smell of his laundry detergent mixed with the telltale scent of travel. His arms tightened, and he held me close.
