Page 45 of Joker
He looks up from the plans he is going over with Cass and Nitro.
“Sure, I’ll catch up with you guys later,” he says.
Getting up, he follows me outside. I need space for this conversation. Sitting at the same picnic table I’d sat at earlier with Dad, I wait for him to sit.
“I spoke with Prez earlier. I know about the house. I want you to know I appreciate you doing this for Beau and me, but this is something you should have spoken to me about. I should have been asked if this was something I wanted or needed. You made all these decisions for me without talking to me first.”
He looks taken aback by my comments.
“I did what I thought was right and what you needed. You don’t sound grateful,” he says, sounding confused.
Yeah, I knew this was not going to go down well.
“I need you to see this from my point of view, Joker. Men have taken my choices and right to choose away from me for so long. I need to reclaim my right to decide. I understand why you did it, and I honestly am grateful. I just need you to understand how you not talking to me makes me feel,” I explain.
Taking a deep breath, I hope he’s listening and understanding what I’m saying. Running both his hands over his head in frustration, he replies with
“Fuck, Carrie, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m only trying to make sure you and Beau are safe. I’m doing what I can. You keep me at arm’s length. You won’t let me in.”
He’s getting angry. This is not what I wanted. I knew he wouldn’t understand.
“I understand that, but honestly, I’m just trying to reclaim me. You mean a lot to me, Joker. We have our history and Beau together. I’m not the same girl you knew. But I need to be able to stand on my own. Why can’t you understand this?”
I’m getting angry now, and from the look on his face, he’s getting angrier.
“What, am I not good enough for you anymore? You don’t need me? You’ve got Beau, so who cares about me. Jesus, you’re even calling me Joker. I’m not Joker to you, never have been. I’m Jason. Your Jason. I’m supposed to mean something to you. You mean everything to me, Carrie. I never stopped looking for you. I never gave up. Why can’t you just let me the fuck in,” he exclaims.
By the end of his rant, he’s standing shouting at me. His hands are flying around. I can’t help my natural reaction, and I flinch.
The horror that crosses his face when he realizes I flinched is heartbreaking. I can’t cope with this. I jump up and take off running. I can hear Joker screaming my name, but I keep running. Running through the woods that surround the clubhouse, I keep running until I hit the fence and then run along it. The land the clubhouse is built on is massive, so I have plenty of places to hide until I can get myself together. I feel like I’ve been running for a long time. I come across what seems to be an old shack of some kind. The door is locked, but one of the windows is open. I pull it open more so I can fit through. I pull myself through the gap, closing the window behind me.
There is a room in the back with an old cot in it. Sitting on the cot, I try to catch my breath. Clearly, I need to start exercising more as I didn’t realize how unfit I’d gotten. It’s starting to get dark and looking around the room, I find a cupboard that has some blankets in it. I wrap a blanket around me to keep the chill in the air away. I know I’m not going to stay here all night. I just need some space. Between Joker and my dad constantly needing to know where I am and what I’m doing, I’m starting to feel a little suffocated. I need room to think and collect my thoughts.
Hearing someone outside the shack, I keep really still. There are no windows in this room so they can’t see in.
“Keep looking as she can’t have gone far,” says one voice.
“The shack is still locked and the windows are all closed and locked, so we’ll keep moving,” says another.
I keep still and try to keep my breathing slow. I’m not sure who the voices belong to, but I know Joker and my dad would have all the brothers looking for me. Great, they couldn’t even let me have a little peace and space to myself. I know it’s because they care and just want me safe, but I’ve been trapped for so long, I need some freedom.
I’ve been in the shack a while now, so I decide it’s best to head back and face the music. Beau will be worried. Climbing back out of the window, I slowly make my way through the woods. Coming across the clearing, I find a newly built street with the makings of a couple of houses. These must be the houses my dad and Prez were talking about. One house does look finished, and it’s beautiful. A wrap-around porch at the front leads me to a large front door. Trying the door, it opens. The entrance is bright and has a warm feel, leading into a living space. A huge fireplace takes up one wall. There’s no furniture yet. An arched opening leads off the living space into a huge kitchen dining area. The first things I notice are the granite worktops and a huge oven. Opening another door, I find a larger room with a massive fridge and freezer, plus a laundry room. It’s all so beautiful with hardwood floors. Making my way upstairs, I find a huge bathroom and 3 bedrooms. The master has an ensuite bathroom too. It really is perfect. Looking out the window of a bedroom at the rear, I can see an enclosed garden with a barbeque and seating area. Whoever had designed this house put a lot of thought and effort in.
I could see myself being happy here. If only Joker would have talked to me. I don’t need someone to care for me. I need someone who will treat me like their equal. Jason is a biker, the alpha male, so I know he’s always going to be a caveman. I was afraid of this and knew it would hurt too much when we wouldn’t work out. Leaving the beautiful house, I find Pip sitting on the steps outside.
“I knew you would find your way here,” she says without turning to me and patting the step next to her. I take a seat beside her, and I wait quietly.
“That boy loves you, but he’s an idiot. They all are,” she states.
Okay, that is not what I had thought she was going to say.
“They always have your best interests at heart, but rarely do they use their brains. Bloody alpha biker cavemen,” she says exasperated. “I’ve been warning them all to give you the space you need.”
This has me smiling.
“Is everyone mad?” I ask.
“Why would they be mad at you? Reck was after killing Joker. Brothers had to hold him back. They’re mad at Joker for being an idiot. Kate gave him one hell of an earful, and Beau is refusing to speak to him for upsetting you,” explains Pip.
