Page 14 of My Turn Petal
I remember the first day I stepped in here, and the first person I saw, was Theo. He looked sharp as always in a black suit, it seemed like he had come back from an event, yet he stopped to greet me and offered to help.
He looks like one of the many men I read about, and mostly hear in audiobooks as part of my routine.
I grin to myself.
A wave of shivers surges through my body before I go to take a long shower.
I climb on my comfy bed, lying in the aftermath of this confusing day. I list all of the reasons why I shouldn’t take him on his offer while I also count the reasons this might be a good alternative for me.
There are so many ways this could go wrong.
Starting with him getting tired of me and my dysfunctional body.
The disobliging part of this condition.
My emotional state before, during, and after.
It is intimate.
We live a few meters away from each other. This could end in a disaster, not to mention how too clusterfuck it is.
I simply don’t trust anyone anymore, dealing with my condition is enough and I don’t want to deal with heartbreak in addition because of my inability to have sex.
I know myself, I’m good at orchestrating a strong appearance when in reality I’m emotional and I take things to heart.
My kinks and fantasies could not match his own. I always wanted someone to chase me down and have his way with me. Play with me and morph our dark fantasies into reality. It’s fun and extremely sexy.
The thrill of the unknown, expecting something to happen, knowing it’s coming your way but not fully grasping what it is thrills me.
Too bad it’s hard to find that person.
When my first boyfriend ran after me all over the park, slinging words in the air, I knew it wasn’t just a game, it was a wild dream coming true. He didn’t know it, yet, I learned something about myself.
Theo.
I’m always relaxed around Theo.
He’s tactic and down to earth.
I love the fact he loves kids and always glows when he talks about his students.
It’s exactly what I need. I don’t want to say I need a man. Yet maybe, if someone will hold my hand and guide me through it, calm me down, it will help. It’s better than doing it myself and picking my pieces after another panic attack.
I’m a walking contradiction on a bike, holding a machine in my hand.
I want a relationship but I love being on my own.
My soul is calm but my brain is chaotic.
I have a lot going for myself but I still feel so empty.
I’m a powerful woman but I feel weak inside.
I make an exasperated sound, pulling the orange fluffy sheet up to my chin as I snuggle against it.
My phone screen lights up with a text message.
I hesitate for a moment before I grab it and read.
