Page 35 of My Turn Petal
The way he belts out his words makes me wetter. Theo picked out on it and he uses the method to get me into the mood.
The serious and progressive scenarios he describes create a liquid mess between my legs.
When I had my first breakthroughever, I relaxed to the point I was a little dreamy and orgasmed a few times. I didn’t intend to feel the vibrator penetrating deep inside me, but I also didn’t stop. It hurt and stung a bit, but after that, I couldn’t even bring myself to try again.
Terrified.
Panicked.
Bleeding for two days.
Dealing with all of this on my own.
Not from the act though. It only lasted a minute or so but my reaction—the same old paralysis I often deal with.
The malfunction in my system.
Did I heal?
Just knowing my body doesn’t react the way others do is enough to put me on guard at all times—alarm me whenever the chances rise.
“I want you to do all those things.” I drag my body closer to him, needing to bathe myself in his warmth, in the feel of his soothing touch, everything about him feels right and consoling.
“Not yet.”
Disappointment covering my features.
The question—when—sails through the air alongside the beating of my heart.
Racking my fingers through his thick fluffy hair, I stare at him, magnetized by the fervent energy we communicate through our gaze.
I want to let him in. Be able to feel him deep inside me with no interruptions by my venomous thoughts. I’m still afraid to try. Afraid that after everything I’d put us through, I’d still have no breakthrough.
Numerous variables hang in the air encapsulating us.
A daunting feeling of me wasting his time and him regretting helping me tugs at my heart. Spending my time with him is fun. I like our little bond. There’s something between us. Attraction, sure. Excitement. Mutual desires. Peace. Understanding. Friendship.
I feel like I’m being myself around him, not pretending to lift a smile on my face. I’d done it my whole life, pleasing my closest environment by smiling when deep inside, I felt broken. Impaired by these agonizing circumstances. My ongoing fractured status.
Knowing that there are people around the globe that dealing with far worse conditions than I am makes me feel like I’m being a giant baby for no reason. Yes, this is a hard place to be in. Yet, it’s treatable.
It just might take time.
The lack of enlightenment on various topics with my family made it hard to explain and share things with them as I got older. I know that they love and care about me, yet they have always been the type to judge before they get the full picture. Or get mad at things that don’t revolve around them or out of their control.
That’s a hard space to be around.
They don’t give anyone a shot, even if they’re right at times it doesn’t justify their ignorance in the first place. Without it impacting me directly it somehow did. They never made me feel less than I am. They always supported me and stood beside me when I needed them.
They just focused on their problems and made it about them when I tried to explain my side of things.
I’m not one to ask for help and share what’s going on with myself.
Emotions flood me.
My palm rests on his jaw, feeling the roughness of his stubble.
Our faces mere inch from each other.
