Page 39 of My Turn Petal
Feeling nice and cozy, I grab my journal. After I spent the majority of the day with Theo on our yoga session and our movie marathon, I didn’t have time to write my thoughts today.
Pen in hand, I dive into the blank pages.
It’s hard to do it all on your own, all the time. Relax yourself, arouse yourself, play with yourself, get inside yourself, and calm yourself when things get too much.
I wanted this to change, yet, the fear inside me won every single time.
Do I believe I’m broken and that is what sabotages my progress?
Did I already heal myself and then my overthinking brain threw me under a bus?
But if I healed I wouldn’t be in this situation.
I wish there was a way to circumvent the obstacle of this condition. But there are no shortcuts in the process of getting better and unraveling what is causing this reaction to begin with.
Everyone knows what it’s like to fight against themselves on something you want so badly to give in to. One step up and two or ten steps back. This is what it comes to.
Don’t let that barrier stop you.
Do the work and heal.
That’s what I always say to myself, at least I try.
Knowing you deserve better is a good place to be in.
Being alone, having time for yourself, and giving yourself what you need, putting your needs first, putting yourself first is therapeutic.
It’s how it should be.
I love the idea of a relationship but it terrifies me.
I’m so used to being alone and taking care of myself. I’ve done it since I was a little girl.
My parents were two hard-working people, that had bills over their heads and I didn’t want to be another burden. I didn’t feel like they could understand me anyway.
No one held my hand and told me it was going to be okay. No one noticed how broken I was inside, how many walls I built around myself, and how much trust I lost in everyone.
I didn’t want to bother anyone.
I just kept going by myself.
Giving away my freedom and peace of mind to someone who might break it, was something, I promised myself I would never do again.
I can’t deal with it.
I can’t get hurt again for something that is out of my control.
I exhale while a tiny laugh slips past my lips.
I’ve always been a little bit of both, a lover and a fighter.
A hopeless romantic who felt trapped inside a dark cloud.
A little girl who wants to dance in the rain and be herself when others put sticks under her legs.
A person with good intentions who always draws the wrong crowd.
And I often asked myself—did I do something to deserve all of this?
