Page 75 of My Turn Petal
“That’s all I can have.” The struggle prances between her eyes.
“Frankie, you can have more.”
“Not according to my body. It’s an uphill battle every day of my life. You’re big, I can’t take your size even with my dilators.”
Those words still echo in my head. The lack of belief she had that day, two months ago, ended up being our first breakthrough together. I penetrated her for two minutes before she pushed me out and cried like a river for an hour.
I want her so fucking bad, why can’t she realize that? It feels like she’s still afraid I may go like the rest who abandoned her when things got tough. I’m not them.
All along, I have been what they could not.
Entrapped by the evergreen cycle, I pass through the trees, trailing the hiking track toward an incline. The river bank guides me as the trees multiply and the chirping heightens.
The crunches of twigs under my boots make me pause to prick my ears for her giveaway noises.
I grew up in Colorado and moved to New Jersey when I was seventeen after my mom got an opportunity to teach dance here. The mountains backdrop, the forests, and the hunting seasons were a regular view from where I came from. I’ll admit I miss the scenery, but I prefer my life here with the blond tattooed biker from across the hall.
“Shit,” her smoky voice fills my space.
Searching from afar, I catch her figure stumbling on a few acorns. She manages to pass without falling this time, continuing to hike forward. That’s my petal. Nothing is going to stop her. But I will reprimand her ass for not being careful next time.
“I just want someone to love me.” Reading those words written down in her journal makes my soul ache.
“Am I so hard to love?”
Not one bit.
“That no one even tries.”
Taking a turn through a glade, I gather a few sticks.
The place is pretty deserted today which means we get to be frisky.
Even though last night didn’t turn out to be our lucky night. I consider every day with her a lucky day. Being with her is all I care about. When I see her hurt, all I want to do is nurse her back to health and keep her cradled between my arms.
Passing through a narrower trail between wide leaves and vegetation, I remove some from my way.
She steps on rocky stones that tell me she’s only feet away and can hear me through the silence that is encasing us.
“I’ll smack your bratty ass for every disrespectful thing you said to yourself.”
I’m falling in love with her every single day but we haven’t expressed it in words yet. I don’t want to fuck up what we established and what we continue to build.
Those moments she’s searching my eyes for any reaction, I’m dying to unburden my heart and shower her with my love. And I do in other ways but with limitations because…
What if it will affect her progress?
What if it will be triggering?
What if it will drive her away from me?
I make her happy that I do know.
We make mistakes and sometimes get carried away when she’s not ready but I’m there as a shoulder she can lean on. I’m there to talk her out of that consuming void. I’m not giving up and I won’t jeopardize her progress either.
I’m invested in her. I want Frankie to know I’m not planning on disappearing, ghosting, or bailing on her anytime soon. Ever. It’s more difficult seeing her struggling and hurting than it is for me not to have penetrative sex with her.
As I’m taking the mile separating us as quietly as I can, I check my watch and confirm that it’s been thirty minutes since we started our game.
