Page 103 of Mark Us Little Bear
The three of us eat ice cream against the ocean backdrop.
And another one of us on the roof.
I squeeze Teddy to my chest, needing to hold on to something while my heart swells.
They have been so busy this week, running errands and working nonstop. I took night shifts for the chance to write during the day. The appetite to get more words out grew after we returned. I can’t keep my fingers off the keyboard, any chance I get, I steal the laptop and fill in more blank pages.
I even snatched it one time when Ronnie was about to take it. I let him finger-torture me afterward so win-win.
Inhaling deeply, I let my mind dictate the rhythm in which my fingers move.
The day that I met you I let my shit go. I let my guard down. I felt that a hand strangled me, and maybe it was mine all along. Trying to find yourself or your worth is an endless journey.
I learned it with you.
Like a freight train on its journey, I was led to a new track and who knew I would be crossing state lines to get back home?
What is home?
It’s here and there.
It’s you and our families.
It was so easy to get lost in our fantasy but it seeped into reality more times than we could count and turned our world upside down. It doesn’t matter which side I wake up on, one of you is already there, keeping me warm.
Staten Island will always be at arm’s length but I finally found a place where I belong.
Everyone comes from somewhere, a story is written on our backs and reflected in our eyes. And one day, down the road, when our paths cross, we will write a new story together.
We all needed to take a break to get a new perspective on what mattered to us and where we wanted to go from now on.
I’m still figuring it out but… I’m at peace.
My fingers halt over the keyboard as I take a deep breath. Tears fill my eyes when I read the last words.
I finally have someone who calls and text me every hour of the day to see how I’m doing. Double that.
We offered our broken hearts to each other and healed wounds we didn’t know existed. I’m still replaying everything and picking them up as we go.
This past year I had moments when I felt nothing. It scared me and brought me to tears, and I still didn’t know what I was feeling or if I even felt anything at all. Were they empty tears? Was it frustration? It was a dark place to be in, especially all alone.
When I rode from my apartment, royally pissed, heading toward a door I’d never been to before while a door closed behind me, I didn’t know I was already on my way to the next chapter of my life.
You.
Funny enough, I almost hit Ronnie, bumped into Bradley, and snatched his cigarette. But the most important thing here is that italmosthappened.
My most chaotic day has led me to happiness.
I’m happy.
Truly.
I’m still anxious about certain things but that’s okay because I finally accept it. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. I don’t want to exhaust myself about what is to come and worry about things that are out of my control when I can live right here, in the present. I spent so much time overthinking that I forgot to put myself first, above my endless thoughts.
In a short period, you reminded me how strong, capable, and fierce I really am. You will always have a special place in my heart because when I found you, I found myself.
A knock on the door startles me. I push to stand and put Teddy on the floor. He strides beside me, waiting when I peek through the peephole.
