Page 83 of The Infiniteness of Yesterday
“If you go and you really don’t like it, then it’s okay to decide from there. But I think T.J. would want you to try.”
I know she’s right. T.J. wouldn’t want to see my wallowing. He’d snap his fingers in front of my face and tell me to get the fuck out of this funk. But grief is a hard thing to navigate, especially when the death was entirely unexpected.
“What time do you have to be home?”
She checks the time on my dashboard. “Not until ten-thirty.”
I back out of the parking space and head toward one of my favorite spots. I haven’t brought her here yet so now feels as good of a time as any.
“Where are we going?” she asks as I drive down the coast.
“It’s a special lookout spot. Not a lot of people know about it. It’s where I go when I need to think. I want you to see it.”
She smiles and looks out the passenger window as I zip down the highway. When I reach the area, I exit the highway and turn onto a sandy dirt road. It barely looks like a road even though it is one.
At the end, I turn into the small parking lot and back into a spot. The sun is long gone, but the full moon is bright in the sky along with the stars.
Popping the trunk, I climb out and motion for Harlow to follow me. We sit in the open trunk, and I grab a blanket I keepthere, wrapping it around her shoulders. It might be summer, but the nights are cool by the ocean.
“This is your spot, huh?”
The waves churn below, crashing against the shore. It’s a small beach, not a place a lot of people know about or even come to. It’s mostly only known among surfers since it has some great swells.
“Yeah.” I swing my legs back and forth. I don’t know why I feel nervous. “It’s quiet here and the ocean always helps me think.”
“It does me too. I’m lucky our house is on the beach. When it gets to be too much I sneak out on the beach and sit for hours.”
I smile over at her and press a kiss to the corner of her mouth.
“You know you can talk to me about things, right?” she probes, eyes wide and serious. “I’m never going to judge you for your thoughts and feelings.”
I take a deep breath. “I just keep wondering why him and then I feel horrible for thinking that, because then I feel like I’m wishing for some stranger to die in his place and that’s not it at all.” I hang my head. “It feels like a nightmare I’m just waiting to wake up from.”
They left an empty chair for him at graduation. It made me want to throw up seeing it. I know it was a kind gesture and probably meant something to his parents, but to me all it did was symbolize the emptiness that lives inside me now.
“Life feels that way a lot of times,” she whispers. “I remember when Willa first got her diagnosis, she would cry at night. I’d hear her through the wall, and she’d beg for it to be a bad dream that she could just wake up and be fine.”
“I’m learning life tends to be cruel. I feel like I was living with rose-colored glasses before and now they’ve been yanked off and I … I’m seeing things for the first time, and I don’t like it.”
She reaches over and takes my hand, squeezing it. I turn my hand palm up and wrap our fingers tightly together.
Harlow leans her head against my shoulder, and I rest mine against the top of hers.
I close my eyes and soak in the feeling of her. It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell her I love her, but I swallow the words back because I’m afraid of scaring her off. But I see it all with her and I hope she sees it with me too.
CHAPTER 28
HARLOW
Ifollow Poppy into the pottery place. It had been her suggestion to paint some pottery and grab lunch since we both happen to have the same time off. I have a million other things I should be doing, but I need the break to not think about school, or Roe, or Jameson, or even Spencer. Although, I know inevitably some of that will come up in conversation.
I browse the items, trying to find something on the semi-cheap side.
“No, none of that.” Poppy swats my hand when I turn yet another piece over to check the price. “I told you; this is my treat. Pick something you’d enjoy.”
I arch a brow. “Even if it’s hundred dollars.”
“Even if it’s that.” She pats me on the head. “You deserve a guilt free day. Besides, I’m not a mom and I still live with my parents because rent prices are brutal around here as you know. I can afford to treat us today. Promise.”
