Page 36 of Spiralling Skywards
“What if I don’t like it?”
He was right in front of me.
“Baby, I’ll teach you to love it.”
His hot breath hit my ear and neck and goose bumps rippled out across my skin, making my scalp prickle and my toes curl. All traces of anger gone.
“But I’m scared. I’m terrified. I don’t let people in. I’ve never been in love, but at least I’ve never been hurt.”
His arms were around me in an instant. His lips on my face, my eyes, and neck.
“Don’t be scared, pretty girl. Don’t ever be scared. We’ll take it slow. Everything, all of it.”
His words and the look in his eyes matched in their sincerity, giving me no reason to doubt him. I’d never felt so secure and accepting of someone else’s feelings for me. He gave me a sense of self-worth that I’d never experienced before, and my chest and throat ached with the weight of emotion I felt.
Despite all of this— despite him and his words—there was still that voice. That ever-present little voice in my head. The one that had been put there by the selfish actions of my parents that told me I was undeserving and unworthy.
“I’ll teach you, bub. One day at a time, I’ll teach you everything that I know. And what I don’t know, we’ll learn together. I’ll hold you tight every step of the way, so please, don’t ever be scared.”
My emotions hit me like a tidal wave. Every self-doubt and insecurity were washed onto the shore of my naked soul, and for the first time ever, I let a man in and voiced my biggest fears.
“But I’m not lovable enough for people to stick around.” I had no clue the words would come out on a sob when I started to speak, but there they were. “People leave me, Liam. My dad left the moment he knew I was conceived and went running back to his wife. Then my mum, oh god, Liam, my mum.”
I felt like I would choke. It was as if the pain and emotion the words caused in my chest were living, breathing, tangible things that were escaping through my throat and out of my mouth.
“My fucking mother cared so little that she packed myself and Luke into a car to drive to a twenty-four-hour chemist so that she could get her prescription for Valium or Diazepam and her sleeping tablets filled. Getting her next fix of numbness was more important to her than the safety of her own children.”
I was gasping for air by the time I got the words out, my knees were week and my vision blurred. Panic began to set in.
I hadn’t had an attack like this in years, but this one was coming at me with force.
The sound of the cutting equipment, Luke’s voice telling me everything was going to be okay. He was singing. He sang a song to me and told me to keep my eyes closed. He would sing any song I requested, as long as my eyes stayed closed. I squeezed them shut. I squeezed and squeezed until my cheeks and my head ached. What did he sing? What the fuck did he sing?
“I can’t remember the song. What did he sing? I can’t remember. I can’t remember.”
I grabbed the front of Liam’s cardigan and held on for dear life as he lifted me and then sat down with me in his lap on the bed. He pushed my hair back off my face, stroking his fingertips across my cheeks as he rocked me in his arms, telling me everything would be okay.
“I’m here, Sarah. I’ll always be here. You don’t ever have to be scared again, pretty girl. I’m here, and I’ve got ya.”
I took deep breaths in through my nose and breathed them slowly out through my mouth. The whoosh of blood pounding in my ears began to quiet, and I knew if I opened my eyes, my vision would be back. I felt drained. Mentally, physically, on every emotional level, I was exhausted.
Feeling safe and secure in Liam’s arms, I kept my eyes closed and let the pull of sleep and dreams of neck-kissing husbands, big detached houses, and mangled cars claim me.
