Page 77 of Shame Me
“Dani…I know I hurt you. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I’d had a couple of drinks and that girl offered me some Ecstasy and, before I knew it, she was—”
“Stop. Don’t say it.” I fucking knew what she’d done. I didn’t need the goddamned reminder. More than that, he’d simply let it happen, according to his story, and that didn’t make it any more acceptable. “This isn’t like I got a cut on my finger and I just need a little Band-Aid to cover the wound. You cheated on me, Zack…so it’s gonna take me some time to get through everything I’m feeling before I can really talk about it.”
“Babe…” he said, putting a hand on my shoulder so that I felt his forearm against my arm and back, “I get why you feel like Icheated on you, but I’m telling you I was like a helpless victim. I could barely move and then when she started—”
“Avictim? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you actually trying to imply that she was raping you with her mouth?” Finally, I had to look at him, to confront his face full on so I could try to get a read on what the hell he was thinking.
“Well, no…not when you put it that way.”
“How would you feel if I had some male fan in my dressing room and I was drinking and doing Ecstasy with him—and then he started eating me out?” His eyes widened—maybe because, in all this time, we as a couple hadn’t moved to oral sex. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to try, but any creativity Zack had—not much, thanks to the booze—was spent on music. Did I have to initiate these sorts of things to keep him?
Now wasn’t the time for that discussion, though. And I simply stared at him, waiting to hear how he’d feel if the tables were turned.
But he looked down at his lap, silent.
I couldn’t help myself. “That’s what I thought.” Standing, I wasn’t sure where I was going to go, but I knew one thing—I had to get the hell away from him. The tears were threatening to spill again, and, more than anything else, I needed to be strong.
“Dani, wait.” Zack caught up with me and, placing his hands on my shoulders, looked me straight in the eyes. His face was sincere, sweet, his eyes filled with tears. This was vulnerable, open Zack—the man I hadn’t seen since the night we’d made love in Orlando and woke up as a couple.
My face, though? It was steel. Zack had stabbed me in the heart, and it was my duty to safeguard it.
He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them up again along with his heart. “You’re right. I’ve…been burying shit inside and trying to numb it with alcohol and whatever drugs I can get my hands on. I don’t want to talk about it and I knowthat’s a big part of the problem—but I don’t know how. I’m…really sorry and I get it if you can’t forgive me, but…”
It was then that the tears spilled from his eyes, hitting his cheeks before dropping to his coat where they might freeze. I couldn’t bear to see him hurt like that, even if it was his fault.
So I pulled his head to my shoulder and let him cry. Even if it wasn’t words he was letting out, he was at least releasing emotions. That had to be good for something.
CHAPTER 23
By the end of the second leg of the tour, we were exhausted. And, worse, it ended in Tampa, Florida—meaning we were a long way from home when we were done. We stayed the night in Tampa and then were cooped up in the bus for the entire next day, except for fast food and restroom breaks. That night, we stopped in Missouri and then got back in the bus for another long day—and when we hit the Colorado border, I almost asked Schultz to pull over so I could jump out and kiss the ground.
Home.
It was the evening of December 20 when we got there, just a few days before Christmas. Zack and I were back together and, since then, we hadn’t spend a night apart, but I didn’t fully trust him anymore, and I wasn’t sure how to resolve that.
On January 2, Mick sent a text message to all of us, asking when we could meet. In the group text, Cy said,Only if you come to us. I can’t even drive to the grocery store right now.
Braden added his two cents:Yeah, I think I’m still feeling a little road trauma myself.
So Zack, still our leader, although he’d slipped a bit over the past couple of months, weighed in.Can you come to us, Mick?
Mick was pretty cool about it and typed,I can do you one better. Let’s meet over Zoom.
We all agreed—so Cy, Braden, and I met at Zack’s for pizza and an online conversation. I’d already spent the night at Zack’s house, so I put in an order with the Pizza Hut in Dalton and then picked it up. It was starting to snow by the time I got back to Zack’s, but at least I’d recovered from the cold I’d had a few days after Christmas. My mom had fed me chicken soup and made me drink hot tea with honey. “I’m not surprised. You were in Minnesota one day and Texas the next—and surrounded by hundreds of people. You’re lucky you didn’t get sick till now.”
I agreed, thanking my mom for her care and attention.
Still, the last week of the tour had put us in warm environs—from two stops in Texas to New Orleans and landing in Florida. And then we had to come back to freezing temperatures, ice, and snow.
Now that we’d been home for a week, though, I was starting to feel more like my old self…and I remembered that I actually liked snow.
When I walked in Zack’s house with the pizza, he kissed me…and there it was.Vodka, his old friend. He’d seemed to lay off the booze for the first few days we’d been back, but he was apparently hiding it from me when he could. I asked, “The guys aren’t here yet?”
“No. But I put the dishes in the dishwasher and swept so mom doesn’t have to.”
I smiled, placing the boxes on the counter and deciding, for now, not to say anything about the alcohol—but I was wondering if he’d have to go into rehab soon. I wished I didn’t have to be the one to notice these things. Then again, Braden and Cy didn’t make a habit of kissing Zack.
Cy got there first and had to brush snow off his leather jacket before coming inside. Braden pulled up just as Zack was shuttingthe door against the cold. Soon all four of us were sitting around the table eating pizza and drinking soda, and I could almost believe we were back in high school again—fresh-faced, eager to grab the future by the horns, no adult worries.
