Page 92 of Shame Me
Braden didn’t take long getting ready, because he didn’t spend time shaving. He just brushed his teeth, washed his face, and put on deodorant. My bag was packed and I was scrolling through our Facebook page when he announced he was ready to go.
Before we walked out the door, he kissed me. “I hope you’re feeling better today.”
I wasn’t sure that I was—because, in addition to the heartache still nesting in my chest, I felt…not quite guilt, having worked through that, and not regret—butsomethingheavy.
So I lied—because sweet Braden didn’t deserve having to deal with my ambiguity. “Yeah. Thank you.”
Once we were walking down the hallway, he took my hand. That told me everything I needed to know.
He was ready for a relationship with me. But was I ready?
I didn’t love him—that much I knew—although I was grateful to him for his comfort and the love he’d shown me.
CouldI grow to love him? I was positive I could—with time. A man like Braden—kind, strong, caring—would be a prize for any woman. And, after last night, I felt truly seen, validated.
Worthy.
I owed it to him to at least try.
So I squeezed his hand as we made our way to the elevator, but I couldn’t help feeling some relief that no one else from the band was around.
The bus was already near the front of the hotel and waiting. Mick and the roadies were on board, but Cy and Zack hadn’tarrived yet—and I was surprised at myself because I again felt enormous relief. As we walked on the bus, Braden and I were no longer holding hands, but he didn’t let go until we’d stepped on.
It wasn’t long, though, before everyone was on board and we were heading north, a long day ahead of us.
It would be especially long with none of us talking to each other.
But Braden, across the aisle from me, sat closer to the edge. I wanted to be nice, but already his lovesick puppy act was getting on my nerves. Yes, we’d fucked and, yes, he’d been exactly what I’d needed, but that didn’t mean it was time to say wedding vows or anything.
Besides, I’d decided that I didn’t want Zack to know what we’d done—and if Braden kept looking at me like that, Zack would figure it out.
Well, I was an idiot if I’d thought he wouldn’t anyway, because when we stopped at the BK in Thornton, still deep in the never-ending city, Braden took my hand as soon as we were off the bus. If I snatched it away like his skin was burning mine, it would hurt his feelings. And, of all the people I knew on the planet, Braden deserved to be treated like a prince. The last thing I wanted to do was make him feel used.
I’d felt that enough myself.
As we ordered our food, I felt Zack’s eyes on me—but it must have been my imagination, because when we all sat at various tables next to each other, Zack looked everywherebutme. Or Braden, of course, who sat right beside me.
He sensed my unease and, when he asked a question, I immediately felt like a jerk. “Is everything okay, Dani?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“I can back off if you want,” he said quietly. “I just…really care about you, and last night meant a lot to me.”
My cheeks started to burn as I stared down at my sandwich, hoping no one was eavesdropping on our conversation. Mick and the bus driver sat across from us, but they were talking about what a boring drive lay ahead of us. Suddenly, I wished I’d been chatting with them.
But sweet Braden deserved more from me than being blown off. After all, he’d been there in my moment of greatest need…and, if I bothered to look back over the past few years, I saw that he’d always been there—if not with an encouraging word, with open ears and heart. I remembered the time back in high school when Cy had told me Zack wasn’t worth the torch I carried for him, and if Cy had seen it, Braden would have seen it too.
So had Zack.
Zack had told me over and over by his actions and sometimes by his words that he didn’t want me as a girlfriend—and our trial run as a couple had proven he’d meant it all along. I’d been stupid and shameless, wanting to believe he could care about me as much as I did him, and now—if I could be open to it—I had to accept that it would never be.
It hurt. God, it hurt, but I had to stop being a fucking dumb ass about it. I’d cried enough tears over him, and it had to end today.
Braden…hewas worth my heart, and if I were smart, I’d give it to him without another thought. I had to try. I just had to figure out how to do that.
So I said, “No, that’s okay. I just…am still processing everything, you know?” And I kissed him on the cheek as if to seal the deal.
It wasn’t long before Mick was telling everyone we’d be leaving in five minutes, so we needed to use the restroom or refill our drinks now if we wanted. As I was exiting the restroom, Zack was entering the men’s—but he stopped and faced me, and there was no avoiding him.
