Page 7 of Treehouse Whispers
Jamie crouched at his side and rested a hand on his leg, rubbing his thumb back and forth. “You okay there?” he asked.
Benji took a deep breath and stared at Jamie, wondering, not for the first time, why Jamie stuck by him as he had. The staring match steadied him as he knew it would and as nothing else ever did. He nodded, pulling himself out of the car quickly, making Jamie jump out of the way.
“Let’s go.” Jamie grabbed his hand again and, locking the car behind them, strode to the door. “Mum! Dad! We’re here!” he shouted as they shuffled through the unlocked front door.
“We’re in here!” a voice called from the direction of the kitchen, and they followed the sound. Jamie pulled away from Benji as his mum dragged him into a hug.
“Hello, boys! I’m glad you could make it, Benji.” Jamie’s mum embraced him. As she pulled back, she said, “I’ve made spaghetti carbonara for you.”
“Oh, not for me, then?” Jamie quipped back, light shining in his eyes as the corner of his mouth quirked up.
“Of course not, dear. This is for Benji,” she replied, just as quickly, their sense of humour, and expressions, identical.
“Thanks, Mum,” Jamie deadpanned.
“You’re very welcome, dear.” She giggled. “Come, sit. Tell us what you’ve been doing.”
Jamie led Benji over to the table, squeezed his elbow once and let go, making Benji feel the loss immediately. He must have made a noise because Jamie stroked his back and sat on the chair next to where Jamie had led him. “Sit here, Benji.”
Benji sat, taking deep breaths and wiping his hand across his damp forehead. He’d been in this house many times, but it still managed to make him anxious. He had no idea why. He knew everyone, he knew the place, he knew the conversation would be nice… why did he always have to be worried about everything?
They sat eating dinner, a pleasant conversation in which Benji didn’t have to partake unless he wanted to. Their voices appeared louder than normal, and Benji blinked rapidly to dispel the noise as he picked at his favourite meal. Knowing Leanne went to the trouble of making his favourite made him attempt to eat more even though his stomach was rolling with the thought.
Everyone knew his coping mechanisms, and no one was offended when he had to head to the bathroom for a breather, or when Jamie spent twenty minutes trying to coax him back out again, or when he told Jamie he needed to go home after a couple of hours.
After another quick hug from Jamie’s mother and a refuted apology from Benji, they were back in the car, heading home.
“Sorry,” Benji muttered. His throat closed up as he said the words, muscles tensed and jaw clenched. He shook his head. He should be over this by now. They were family for god’s sake.
“You don’t need to be sorry. You did well tonight. I’m proud of you.”
Benji took a deep breath and sighed as he watched the passing scenery. “Yeah, it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. I just wish…” He didn’t finish the sentence; they both knew what he wished. In the car on the way home, as they were, he could replay the evening and identify where he could have interacted with the other people, instead of flying off the handle, at least in his head, and leaving. He sighed again, rubbing his hands over his face.
His mind went back to his first all-out panic attack. It had happened at the supermarket of all places. Benji had been fifteen at the time and had gone with his mother to get the weekly shop. He had been studying the magazines and trying to decide which one to buy with his well-earned pocket money when some kids from school had come into the shop and headed straight for him. They had all been pushing and shoving each other and had jostled Benji some before surrounding him. He had no idea whether it had been intentional or not, but Benji couldn’t get out from between them, and his breathing had come faster and faster until he couldn’t speak. He remembered the feeling of dizziness and weakness and had felt himself fall to the ground.
He came to with his head rested in his mother’s lap and holding her hand. Worry had creased her face, and he couldn’t understand what had happened. It was only after, in the hospital being checked out, that it was explained to him it seemed he’d had a panic attack. The doctor had gone on to say panic attacks were common, and there wasn’t always a tipping point as to when they happened.
Benji hadn’t understood what had happened, but he’d begun to understand the symptoms over the following years. By the time he’d reached eighteen and was considering uni, he was fairly set in his ways and routines were vitally important. Once uni was done, he didn’t have to leave the house if he didn’t want to, and it was easier for him to stay at home.
Luckily, the job he had was one he lived for and earned enough to pay the bills, which was all he could ask for. Well, he could ask for one more thing…but he was fine with the way things were. His dreams, though, that was another matter entirely.
