Page 37 of Never Started
I'd rather be numb than feel this heartache.
Jett still called consistently. I finally blocked his number the day after my last doctor visit, which confirmed the termination.
Getting his calls became too much.
Part of me wanted to answer each one. That same part of me wanted to tell him everything, including how sorry I was about pushing him away, how I've loved him all along, how I've never slept with anyone else since I've been with him, and it was all a lie to hurt him and push him away. Mainly, I wanted to tell him about the life our shared love created.
However, the part of me that has officially shut down and turned into an abyss of numbness ultimately won that war. I couldn’t keep getting his calls and thinking of him.
It was too fucking hard.
Our baby may have never stood a chance and was never going to make it, but our baby was just that.
Ours.
The one good thing that came out of the chaos that I created.
Yet, I was destined to lose that, too. It just goes to show that nothing good is meant to last for me.
"It's pretty fucking bad,” Via says, pulling me back to the present with her. “But if anyone can make this garbage of an apartment look and feel like a home, it's us!"
I force a smile, turning to meet her gaze.
She looks... better.
Not necessarily back to herself, not by a long shot, but it's amazing what being out of Sugarland has done for her already.
That alone makes the move worth it.
I'll never be thankful that Via has gone through the things she has, but I am thankful that she's yet to see through my front. She's too deep into her own struggles to notice the flaws in my performance.
Ifshe were to ever find out about what I'm hiding from her, she would be hurt. Yet, I know in my heart that I'm doing the right thing.
I'm tough.
I can handle this on my own.
I need her to focus on herself and get better mentally. I know she won't be able to do that if she's concerned about me.
"Well, this should be a shit show." I sigh with a laugh that lacks humor. "I'm in. Let's fucking do it!"
NOVEMBER 2017
The first few months of classes have flown by in a blur.
I've become so invested in forcing myself to be okay that I've forgotten to feel anything at all.
Numb.
It's a weird feeling, but I'm fucking owning it.
I refuse to wallow in it.
So, instead, I drown out the noise the only way I know how.
I attempt to gain control of it.
"No kissing!" I snap, pushing his face away from mine.
