Page 36 of Never Started
I'll never be okay with the decision I've made.
I was in no way ready to be a mom, but finding out life was growing inside of me didn't necessarily make me sad. Yes, it scared me. It scared the shit out of me, but it was the one fear I didn’t want to run from. The one fear my instincts saw and screamed at me tostay.
I would have loved this babyso much, despite everything.
No one knows. Not even my family, not Via, and definitely not Jett.
It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I made it all alone. Finding out the pregnancy wouldn't last either way was even harder. The way Dr. Reys explained it, ending the pregnancy before things could get worse was the most selfless thing I could do for my baby.
However, that doesn't make me feel any better about it.
The bleeding has begun, which confirms that I did indeed go through with it. I never thought I'd be capable—that is, until I was in the situation.
The amount of tears I’ve shed could end a drought.
A knock sounds on the door, and Via's voice calls through. "Izzy?"
I clear my throat before speaking, "Yeah, I'll be out in a minute." I try to force my tone to stay even, masking everything I'm feeling inside, but I falter.
"You okay?" She wiggles the doorknob, but I locked it when I first came in here.Thankfully.
"V, I'm taking a piss. I'm coming, okay?!" I snap impatiently.
"Yeah, okay.Sheesh,sorry," she says apologetically, then I hear her footsteps retreat down the hall.
Before collecting myself, I rub my belly one last time.
"I'm so sorry, little baby. I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you needed. You deserved so much better than me." I whisperthe words quietly, keeping the conversation between me and the child I'll never get to know.
Chapter sixteen
Izzy
August 2017
"I can't believe I let you talk me into this shit," I grumble, my face screwing up in disgust. "Look at this dump!"
Via huffs, sharing in my disappointment as we take in the apartment we will now call home. The stains on the wall, the busted up flooring, and the pungent scent of lingering cigarette odor hit us both all at once.
Maybe signing a lease on an apartment we didn't actually view in person ahead of time was a bad idea, but we had limited options and were pressed for time to find something since all the dorms were taken. Yay for being late admissions.
I still can't believe I'm starting college.
I don't know how I feel about it. Yet, here I am.
I decided to follow Via to Nursing School in Arkansas. At first, the thought of myself, who is freaked by the mere sight of blood, becoming a nurse seemed stupid to me. However, after experiencing the compassion and care my medical staff showedme during the most challenging time in my life, I couldn't help but want to be that person for someone else.
Also, I couldn't let Via leave on her own.
Truth be told, after everything, I needed a change, too.
I still haven't told anyone about the baby. I can tell they all see the change in me, although I try my hardest to fight it off.
My sarcasm and snarkiness have been entirely on point.
It's only been a few weeks, and I still haven't completely processed everything.
I should want to get through it and learn how to cope. Yet, I just want to forget.
