Page 48 of Sexy Beginnings
Chapter Thirty-Three
Lucy
It’s been two weeks since I tried to kill myself and everyone has been watching me around the clock. I have a shadow at all times. Apparently, I missed the major artery I needed to hit.
Jordan found me and freaked out. He called Doc who was magically able to save me. I wish they would have just let me go. Doc has been coming over, trying to talk to me every day since then but it doesn’t help. I don’t want to be like this but I don’t know how to change it. I can’t make myself have emotions. I can’t make myself have feelings.
I don’t know where they all went or how to get them back. I’m being forced to leave the clubhouse today and go into town with Tracie. Jordan’s words were that I go willingly or he will carry me and be my physical shadow the whole time. The idea of him touching me scares me so much. It’s not that I’m scared he will hurt me, but the act of anyone’s hands touching me makes me panic.
I get dressed in more than just pajamas for the first time since everything happened. When I look in the mirror, I don’t even recognize the person looking back at me. I’ve lost so much weight that my clothes are almost falling off me. My complexion is pale, my hair a stringy, horrible mess. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. Nothing does. I have two huge scars from my time with Uncle Simon. The brand on my side from the cattle iron. Then the one on my hip where my tattoo used to be. It’s jagged, and ugly. It’s almost poetic because I swear it matches the way I feel inside.
My door opens and Jordan is standing there. “You ready, beautiful?”
I turn toward him. It’s a nice lie with the beautiful line. I grab a sweatshirt and walk toward the door.
“Luce, wait.” I freeze in front of him. He holds up my property jacket with a hopeful smile on his face. “Wanna wear this?” I just look at him. I used to love the man standing in front of me with all my heart. Every part of me screamed for him when he was close to me. He could bring a smile to my face without even saying anything. The way he is looking at me right now always put a smile on my face. Now I am completely unaffected. Nothing gets through to me. This is why he should have just let me die in that basement.
The Lucy he loved did anyway.
I walk past him being careful not to brush against him. I just want to get today over with.
Tracie has taken me for a day of shopping and now we are eating lunch at our favorite restaurant. She is trying to tell me a story about some of the new girls as I push around some of the food on my plate trying to make it look like I’ve eaten something so we can leave.
That’s when someone across the street catches me eye and I freeze. She is laughing and happy. Talking with another girl. Carefree and enjoying her life. Everything she took from me.
Amy.
Memories flood my mind. Things I forgot or chose to hide from myself. As they come rushing back a sharp pain hits my head. Emotions flood through my body everything I have fought against. Guilt for leaving that night, for forcing Danny to come with me. Betrayal for her lies. I scream as the pain intensifies. I crumble to the ground retreating to the fetal position.
I can’t handle everything that’s coming back to me. Regret for the way I’ve been treating my friends. The way I have pushed away the man that I love. I tried to kill myself. I scream again from the pain. Tracie is calling my name. I can hear her I just can’t focus. I’m overwhelmed. Everything I have forced into a box over the past month and a half has just crashed down on top of me.
I hear heavy footsteps. “Lucy!”
I scream again. The pain stabbing at me as I take in everything that has happened. I look around at everyone standing over me and do something I haven’t done in over six weeks.
“Jordan.” My voice is barely above a squeak, but they all hear me. Tracie starts to cry. I see Torch pulling out his phone and yelling into it.
Twisted crouches down next to me. “Luce, you need me to help you walk? Get you to the truck?”
I nod. Bracing my body for the impact. As his hands lift my body, I let out another scream my hands grasping his shirt. Tears falling fast from my eyes.
“Am I hurting you?” His voice is tight.
I shake my head. He is, but to no fault of his own. Now that I’ve started to cry, I don’t know that I can stop. I’ve opened a box that’s been closed for way too long.
The drive back to the clubhouse is fast. Twisted sits in the back with me, but keeps his distance. No one says anything to me. I think they are all scared that they will set me off.
As we pull into the lot, I see Jordan waiting. He runs toward the truck worry etched across his face. My door flies open and he moves to grab me but quickly stops himself just inches from me. I look at his face and see all of the fear, worry, and love for me he carries. I think back to how much this man has endured for me. How I have treated him, yet he still has this love for me.
What I am about to do scares me and tears start to fall faster at the idea of doing it. I reach out my hands on either side of his face. I slowly move my face closer pressing my lips to his. He doesn’t move. After a minute, I pull away.
“I-I love you.” Sobs break through me.
“Lucy, can I take you inside?” His voice pleading with me. His hands gripping the sides of the truck.
I nod. My muscles tensing once more.
His arms wrap around me. A strangled moan escapes me and he freezes. I rest my head against his chest, my tears falling fast onto his white t-shirt. He carries me through the clubhouse into our room and places me on the bed.
