Page 60 of Between Then and Now
“The ocean waves. Just made me a bit woozy,” I say. I remove my shoes and sit on the iron floor, with my legs dangling from the rails. Ryan sits next to me, except he’s leaning on the rails so we’re facing each other.
“Yeah, waves are scary,” he says.
“What do you mean? You went in angry ones to save me.” I shrug. “Surely not too scary for you.”
“I, uh…” Ryan starts, his contemplation obvious on his face. “I’m scared of the ocean. Always have been.”
I knit my brows. “Yeah, I remember. But why? And how did you save me if you’re scared?”
Ryan sighs. I think he’s contemplating whether he should tell me this story. “You don’t have to tell me if you’re uncomfortable,” I say.
“No, it’s fine,” he says. He looks at me and I take him in. In the night sky, the blue of his eyes overpowers the gray, and it’s as if I’m staring into a vast expanse of the ocean again. Thisocean, though, is one I’d happily dive into. Ryan smiles and bends one knee, propping his foot flat on the ground. His arm then casually rests on his raised knee, and then he starts talking.
“When I was a kid—back before we even moved here—my family went on a vacation to the coast. It was supposed to be a fun trip, but I got caught in a riptide. I was pulled out so far, I thought I’d never see land again. I panicked, swallowing water, flailing around. My dad saved me, but…” He takes a deep breath. “His leg hit a jagged rock. He managed to get me back to shore, but the damage was done. He had to get surgery, and now he has a metal knee because of me. He… he never blamed me, but I could see the pain it caused him. Every limp, every wince, it was a reminder of what happened.
“I honestly thought it was one of the reasons why it was so easy for them to decide to live in a tropical country. Because winter made my dad’s knee unbearable.” He pauses for a while. “When my mom died, I knew he wanted to go back to Minnesota. Richard and I were growing up and he wanted to spend time with his siblings. But during one time we went on vacation there, his knee couldn’t handle the cold.
“It’s why I wanted to become a surgeon. I wanted to find a cure for his knee. Maybe discover something that can replace his bad knee. Long shot, I know, but worth it, I suppose.”
I stare at him, unable to hide my admiration. Admiration for what he’s trying to do for his father, admiration for opening himself and sharing a personal experience, and admiration for facing his fear to save me. “You’re incredible, you know that?” I tilt my head and place a hand on his outstretched arm.
“Says the woman who jumped into the ocean to save a random boy even when she didn’t know how to swim.” He smiles at me.
“I wouldn’t say that was incredible. Stupid, maybe. Reckless, possible. But incredible? Nah.” I stretch my arms behind me so I’m leaning on them. “You, on the other hand, are unbelievable. And surprisingly cheery tonight,” I say, lightening the mood. “Is this how it’s gonna be now that you’re not Mr. Grump?”
“I’m not a grump,” Ryan says. “I guess, at least not with you. You make me do things I don’t usually do.”
“Maybe I can finally convince you to try mangoes with pineapples on pizza.”
“Don’t push it,” he says, grimacing. “Anyway. As for your other question,” he says. “When I saw you in danger, I didn’t think of anything else. All I wanted was to pull you back to safety.”
“The waves didn’t scare you?” My voice trembles.
“Oh, they terrified me.” He chuckles softly. “But losing you was more terrifying.” His words hang in the air, and I feel a lump in my throat.
I’m not used to this. Nobody has ever spoken to me like this. Like I matter so much that losing me is terrifying. Like my eyes hold the answers to a million questions. Ryan’s looking at me like he’s waited for this moment, and that he had a million things to say. He’s looking at me like… like I’m looking at him.
“Bon, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you,” Ryan finally says after a few moments of silence.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, I–” he sighs. “I’ve tried to convince myself that I care about you because you’re my friend. That the reason I jumped into the ocean to save you was because I’m a good person. That, as a doctor, it was the right thing to do.” He pauses for a while, as if trying to find the right words. “I realized soonafter that moment that there was another reason I was terrified of losing you. And it didn’t have anything to do with friendship or ethics. I…” He takes a deep breath, his eyes locking onto mine with an intensity that makes my heart race. “I like you, Bon. Maybe more. Probably more.”
Remember what I said about his words killing me earlier? Yeah, scratch that. This is my real undoing.
My heart leaps at his words, as if it’s trying to get out of my chest. I can feel a rush of warmth spreading through me, mingling with the cool night air. I am a nervous pile of emotions right now, and I don’t know which one I should address first. Is it the confusion? The happiness? The fear? I open my mouth to attempt to make sense of things, but he cuts me off before I even start.
“Wait, let me finish,” he chuckles nervously, his voice trembling slightly. “You–you’re the only one I can be myself around. I don’t have to make those stupid notes on my phone so I can be guided of what to say. With you, I don’t worry,” Ryan says. “You make me feel alive, Bon. You challenge me, you make me laugh, you make me see the world in a different way. When I’m with you, everything just feels... right.”
His voice is soft as a whisper now. “You say you’re not enough. You say you’re too much. But you’ve always been just perfect for me, Bon. Even back when you were only my friend, there’s nothing I’d change about you.”
I don’t know how to react. My mind isn’t catching up to the beat of my heart; I think it’s stuck.
“And Alexa? The girl of your dreams?” I say, trying to chuckle despite the wavering of my voice.
“Turns out you’re the girl of my dreams, Bon,” Ryan chuckles. “And if I’m being honest with myself, you unconsciously have been for the longest time.”
“What do you mean?”
