Page 61 of Tell Me Everything
Before I could say anything, Alex pulled me closer. This time, his lips were hungry, and the pressure I'd felt before evaporated. When he was this close to me, my body went on autopilot. I couldn't tell how long we'd been there, or how we'd ended up on his bed, but it felt like time had slowed down. Like, there was no one here but us. Kissing him was addictive; every kiss made me feel drunk in the best possible way.
Just as his hands ventured to my chest, an alarm bell rang in my head. I recoiled. My vision was unfocused, and my head felt foggy. Being near him was dangerous. Loving Alex was so easy, and being with him made me forget that we weren't really a couple. The lines blurred when we were together. Even thoughI knew I couldn't let myself go completely, my heart struggled to understand. Alex was my better half, and it was impossible to fight it.
“Please, don't. I'm not ready.”
Alex's eyes widened, taken aback. He raised both hands to signal that he wouldn't do anything. I must’ve looked indecisive.
“I didn't ask you to be with me today to sleep with you.”
“I know,” I mumbled, running my hands through my hair. “That's not what I meant.”
The confusion on his face made my panic increase. How could I make him understand what I was feeling when my mind was turned upside down? The words poured out of my mouth like a tsunami. “It's not that I don't want to have sex with you, because trust me, I really do. Just not right now.”
Realizing what I just said, my cheeks and neck burned crimson. I hid my face in my hands. I really had a talent for making a fool of myself. Alex laughed, and I felt even more stupid. What on earth had possessed me to speak without thinking?
“I appreciate your honesty,” he quipped.
I wanted to disappear underground with my shame. “Stop laughing, it's not funny.”
“You're right. It isveryfunny.” His arms slipped around my waist, and I lowered my hands slightly to see his face, expecting a mocking look. Alex smiled at me, his gaze open.
How could I have doubted him for even a second? Alex was aloof and angry at times, but above all, he was kind and thoughtful. And deep down, I knew I didn't deserve him. “I'm sorry.”
“What for?”
“I ruined the moment because I panicked.”
Alex took my hands in his. He drew new little circles on my skin, and instantly my nerves calmed. “We have all the time inthe world.”
When did life start being so good to me? I hoped our lives weren't just meant to intersect but to travel a long road together. Alex placed his lips on the hollow of my neck. There was a certain pressure against my skin. By the time I realized what he was doing, it was too late. My eyes widened. He looked up, laughing.
“What the hell?”
“You’re the one who asked me to give you a hickey, not that long ago. There you have it. Now get off my lap, I'm hungry.”
Without giving me time to move, Alex pushed me off, and my face landed on the pillows. I glared at him, which didn't intimidate him one bit.
At supper, Lexi and Audrey were talking about something I couldn't focus on. Alex's hand was on my knee, making it impossible to think of anything but the warmth of his touch. If my life felt like an eternal winter, Alex was the fire that warmed my days. As if he could read my mind, my friend gave me a knowing smile I gave back.
“You two seem closer than usual,” Lexi observed. “Are you finally dating?”
“No,” I replied.
“Yes,” Alex said at the same time.
Audrey grimaced. Lexi just laughed. Her green eyes lingered on my neck before quickly focusing on her glass of wine. Alex chuckled while I felt like disappearing underground, never to come up again. How was I going to get out of this situation alive? I wanted his mother and sister to like me and consider me good enough. Right now, I looked like the girl who came here to fuck. I let my head fall between my arms.
“It's not what you think.” Alex sighed. “I only did it to annoy her.”
Unlike what I’d feared, Lexi shrugged, not caring that much.“You're grown-ups, you can do what you want. Just don't be too loud.”
His mother put a hand on my arm when she noticed my mortified expression. Lexi was so much more chill than my mom would ever be. If she saw me come home with a hickey, she'd go ballistic.
“Don't worry, my dear, you can hide it with concealer.”
***
After getting ready for bed, I returned to the bedroom and hid under the blanket, keeping a certain distance from Alex. Even though he'd had his tongue in my mouth a few hours earlier, which still felt weird, I couldn't figure out how or if I should initiate contact. I wanted to touch him. I just didn't know how to. This whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing was new. It was ironic, wasn’t it? I hadn't cared about my first time, but initiating contact with him scared me. I'd skipped steps and gone straight to “drunk sex” without having learned to love first, and without having learned to show my feelings to the person I loved.
