Page 68 of Unspoken Confessions
24
Nick
Reed Willis let us use his private plane to get to New York for the taping of the late-show I had to do. I didn’t need him to do that, but I was grateful all the same. I wasn’t picky when it came to travel. As long as I got where I was going without too much delay, then I was good. I had no doubt that it was Jameson’s doing, though he’d never come right out and say it.
It was Jen, Austin, Jameson, and me. Austin closed his eyes and took a nap the moment we were in the air. Jen was lost in a movie he’d downloaded onto his tablet. Both of them seemed to be doing their best to give Jameson and me a little privacy. But I could barely sit next to him. I kept getting up with the excuse that I needed to stretch my legs. And when I was sitting, I found any way that I could to look like I wasn’t paying him any attention. Seriously, I was that messed up.
Why couldn’t I just be normal? And I wasn’t talking about the normal that my father thought I should be. I mean, why couldn’t I just accept how I am and say fuck everyone else and hold Jameson’s hand like I really,reallywanted to right now? That normal. You know, when you had feelings for someone and you didn’t care who knew it. The normal where you hugged your love simply because you had to right then. Or kissed them because you couldn’t go one minute longer without kissing them.
“You’re stressing yourself out over nothing,” Jameson said low and in my direction but he didn’t move his eyes to look at me. “I’m fine. You’re fine. Don’t worry about it.”
“But I do,” I hissed. I wasn’t mad at him. I was mad at myself that I couldn’t just give him all of me. I wanted to so badly.
Sure he said he’d be there for me. And that he’d never push me. But in reality, that only lasted so long. There was only a certain amount of time before someone so open and nonchalant about who they were would hide away. Especially if you really loved them and wanted everyone to know it.
“Why?” he asked.
“Because I want to touch you and my stupid brain won’t let me. What if someone sees? There’s like no one even here and I’m pretty sure all of us back here know about it. But what if one of the pilots has to come in here for whatever reason. Like the plane is about to crash and they want to deliver the news personally.”
Jameson chuckled and it did nothing to help me relax.
“I’m pretty sure if the plane is about to crash it wouldn’t really matter if anyone saw anything.”
That was not the point but I could see where my scenario had gotten away from me.
He reached up and pulled my head down to his shoulder. He hissed at me to shush when I tried to speak. And then he told me to take a nap. I suppose it could have looked as if I fell asleep and unknowingly rested my head on the person next to me. Fuck it, I was going with it. Then I felt a blanket settle over me and a moment later, his hand snaked inside and sought out mine. Honestly, it was pretty obvious. But it was enough to trick my brain into quietness.
I must have been tired because the next thing I knew, I was blinking my eyes open as Jameson shook my hand like it was a can of whipped cream.
“We’re about to descend,” he told me and I wiped the sleep from my eyes. The blanket fell away but his hand was already slipping from mine.
With a sigh, I fastened the buckle.
“You okay?” he asked me.
“Yeah,” I whispered but didn’t look at him. I was afraid I’d see disappointment on his face.
Once we landed, everything was a whirl of craziness. Jen was on top of it all. I followed behind him, hat pulled down over my face, while Jameson and Austin were right at my back.
This part I hated. The interviews. And though I’d been sent the questions beforehand, I knew they could be sneaky. I was sure there would be one about the photos that would pop up at some point. I was expecting it but also trying my best not to think about it. I wasn’t sure what I’d do in that moment. Would I crack? Stand up and confess all that I’ve been hiding? Would I lock up and fuel the gossip even more?
Guess there was only one way to find out.
Since I never liked doing these things, I always made sure to get in, get it done, and get home. I rarely stayed over if I could help it. I wasn’t a huge fan of staying in hotels anyway. It was a little different if we had to go to LA since I still had a small condo there. I kept it after buying the house in Atlanta since I knew I’d be back and forth a lot. But with New York City, I wanted to get away as quickly as possible. Luckily the late-night show filmed during the day.
We headed to the studio after stopping quickly so they could grab something to eat. I was too stressed out to think about putting something in my stomach but Jameson made me promise that I’d eat as soon as it was over. A couple of hours later, my suit was on, my hair was done, and my make-up set. Now I just had to wait. Jameson and I were alone in the room. Jen and Austin were right outside the door, I could hear the low murmur of their conversation but I couldn’t make out the words. I looked up at Jameson and could read everything on his face. He was worried about me. Which meant that I wasn’t doing a good job hiding the fact that I felt like I was about to puke.
“I hate these things,” I said under my breath. “I’m always a nervous wreck.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m worried that I’ll trip, or answer the wrong question because I’m not really paying attention. Or forget English altogether.”
He snorted as if to say I was being ridiculous.
“If you trip, I’ll laugh at you.”
“Gee, that’s so helpful. Thank you.” I shot him an unhappy look.
