Page 25 of Unspoken Confessions
10
Nick
Jameson was acting strange.
Okay, stranger than normal.
I thought that maybe we’d had some sort of breakthrough or been working toward something good. I wouldn’t go as far as to say friendship, because I was sure Jameson would kill me with his death glare if I even thought that, but I believed it was something close to that. I think some part of him liked listening to me. I really did. There were times I saw him smile, and occasionally, when he found me utterly ridiculous, he even snorted. I had to work hard to hide my happiness in those moments because I really liked cracking his hard, bitter, angry shell. And after yesterday when he’d grabbed my wrist and looked up at me as if to say all the things he couldn’t speak, I really thought we’d had some kind of big turning point right then. I mean, I got the feeling like he was a bit emotional. Just a tad. He’d let it through. He’d let me see it and more importantly, he’d wanted me to notice that little blip of emotion.
There was some sort of unspoken confession in that look.
I might have understood some of it. I think on a deeper level I did. I connected with it and more than anything, I was sure I wanted more.
What that one little move told me was that I knew nothing about the man. Not a damn thing. So everything I’d been thinking all along might have been wrong. Yep. That was what I’d gotten from that one move yesterday.
I’d left him alone after that, afraid that if I stuck around it would seem like I was pushing for more. I did want more, but he’d give it when he was ready.
When?
I rolled my eyes at the thought.
If was more like it.
Ifhe wanted to give it.
Ifhe even had it in him to give.
Ifhe thought I was worthy enough of it.
Oh, I didn’t think that I was, but I would work my hardest to protect whatever little piece of him he gave me.
Silently and without anyone knowing, of course.
Because I couldn’t go there.
Nope.
I couldn’t let myself think like that even if the man was constantly on my mind.
So with all that said, and how I thought that maybe we were headed in some kind of positive direction, I couldn’t for the life of me understand why he’d been distant all fucking day.
Okay, it started last night. I thought that maybe he’d eventually wander down and silently watch TV with me. It didn’t happen every night, but it happened more often than not. And it had happened the last few nights in a row, so why should I think last night would be any different? Most of the time he let me watch what I liked— you know, the stuff he wasn’t amused by in the least. And since I didn’t want to seem like a dick, sometimes I’d snatch up the remote before he had a chance to turn off whatever he was watching. Seriously, I didn’t mind it as long as it wasn’t about something that freaked me out. Like outer space things. Or tornadoes. Or ants— don’t ask.
But then he never came down. I wondered if I’d maybe missed him since I had taken my laptop up to the white room to get some stuff out of my head. Work on my secret project. The thing no one knew about— not even Jen.
I wasn’t exactly ashamed of the fact that I was working on a screenplay. I simply wasn’t ready to share that part of me with anyone. And maybe I was a little scared and embarrassed by it. I wasn’t sure why I was the latter though. I guess it could have been that whole ‘what if I’m awful at this’ thing. Besides, it wasn’t like I had plans to do anything with it even if I did finish it. But about a year ago, I’d woken in the middle of the night and something just called out to me. So I sat down and started jotting these little ideas down that kept popping into my head. I didn’t have a lot of time to work on it, but when inspiration hit me, I never ignored it.
So, yeah, inspiration might have hit sometime late afternoon yesterday and I got lost for a little while. But I didn’t think I’d missed him. I think he hadn’t even gone back downstairs after he checked out for the night. I had been so caught up that I wasn’t even sure if I ever heard anyone on the stairs. All I could say was that I’d had a productive night and that maybe I had needed to get lost for a while.
After I’d run out of steam, I’d gone down to the main floor and sat on the couch. A little lost and feeling slightly pathetic and stupid, I waited. But the only person that came along was Austin. While I enjoyed his company— surprisingly we weren’t all that different— he wasn’t the one I really wanted to see.
Here it was, the next day and I came down to… nothing. No Austin. No Jameson. Not even breakfast. I wasn’t saying that I demanded that he cook me breakfast but I’d begun to really enjoy and feel happy with the way my day started out lately. I liked the company while on my jog. I liked the three of us awkwardly eating breakfast together after. I liked feeling Jameson’s eyes on me every now and then during all of those things. Okay, and if I was going to talk about it, I might as well admit that I really,reallyliked the way he tried to look after me. Or take care of me. Though that felt a little strange. And I sure as hell would never say that out loud to him or let him think that was how I saw the whole thing.
Then I caught a glimpse of Jameson walking around outside. And I couldn’t stop tracking his movements. For hours. Yep, I was more than sure I’d been standing here that long.
“Um, what are you doing?” Jen asked as he walked up behind me. He stood beside me and looked out the sliding glass door that overlooked the backyard. “Is this a new hobby you’ve picked up? Let me guess, you’re either wishing you were brave enough to put that swim thong on I bought for you and go for a dip right now or birdwatching without binoculars like an amateur.”
I didn’t have to look at him to know he was hardcore smirking at me while thinking he was so damn funny.
