Page 56 of A Wrench in the Plan
My eyes tracked her as she stepped inside my room and gently shut the door behind her. She shuffled to the end of my bed and stood there wringing her hands for a minute.
“I wanted to check on you,” she finally said.
“I’m fine,” I told her. My automatic response since I’d gotten home eight days ago. I’d said it so many times now that I felt like a robot every time it came out.
“You’re not,” she said boldly. “I love you, Cat, but you’re notfine.”
“I’m working on it,” I said, blinking blankly.
I didn’t want to think about it. Not how my life had been turned upside down or how I was dealing with it after. Not how I was sitting in bed, scared to leave the house. Not how I was avoiding everyone, including my own family. Which was hard to do when you had four sisters and lived in the same house.
“You’re not. And, not for nothing, but no one believes that you are either.”
I scowled at her. She just shrugged at me, not even a little bit sorry about saying it.
“For one, look at what you’re wearing,” she said. Feeling bold, she moved to sit on my bed.
“What?” I asked, pulling at the hoodie I was wrapped up in.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a hoodie.”
“I’m at home and I want to be comfortable. So what?” I shot back defensively.
“It’s black,” she pointed out with a raised brow.
Evan had given it to me in the hospital. It had become like a security blanket of sorts.
And it wasn’t yellow. It wasn’t bright and cheerful. It wasn’t full of innocence and naivety. It wasn’t stupid and ridiculous.
It fit me now.
“I don’t know what you went through,” she said softly. “And I’m not asking you to tell me unless you want to. I’ll always be here to listen. I’m also here to tell you that it’s okay if you’re not fine. Not a single one of us expects you to be. Andyoushouldn’t expect to be. But I’m worried that if you keep spiraling down, you’re not going to know how to get back up, and you’ll truly lose yourself in… this blackness.” She pointedly looked at my hoodie.
It caused a small smile to tip up the corner of my mouth— the side that didn’t have stitches in it, that was.
Those were not fun. They pulled and itched, and were a constant reminder of what I’d gone through. Every time I drank or yawned or rolled over in bed, I was hit with a physical punch that forced me back to that nightmare. And when I tried to sleep to escape that reminder, I was hit withactualnightmares.
My sister had a point.
Her words had been unexpected and caught me off guard. I wasn’t sure what to do with them. I was comfortable in the “blackness” but I didn’t think I wanted to stay there forever. Was I ready to give up the girl I’d been? The one that smiled at everything and saw the best in any situation. The one that looked at the bright side too much to probably be healthy.
I didn’t want to lose myself, but I wasn’t sure how to bring the old me back. Those parts of me were buried pretty deep under the darkness taking over my soul. I was tarnished. Tainted. Ruined.
Broken.
“How about instead of thinking about it tonight, we… forget about it for a while?” she suggested, half-smile lighting up her face.
“What do you mean?” I asked, my eyes narrowing in her direction. “What did you do?”
“You know me too well, sister dear.” That smile was full-on devious now. I didn’t like it.
“Party’s here,” Sparrow said as she pushed open my door and strode into my room like she owned the place. “I was told to bring pizza.”
She set the four boxes down on my desk before turning to me.
“Hey,” Fate’s voice timidly came from the doorway. Though I hadn’t known her that long, I considered her a good friend. “Can we come in?”
“We?” I asked, but Evan was already busting in. He ran at me and dove on the bed, pulling me into a hug like he hadn’t seen me in years instead of a week or so. I had been a crappy friend, ignoring his calls and barely texting him back. “I’m sorry.”
